FOLKS, OF COURSE, CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES
TO DOMINATE THE HEADLINES.
IN FACT, I'VE NOW INDEFINITELY SUSPENDED MY BELOVED TRAVEL
SEGMENT "STEPHEN COLBERT: INTERNATIONAL NOSE
LICKER."
( LAUGHTER ) WE WERE GOING TO ITALY NEXT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE VIRUS HAS BEGUN TO HIT US AT
HOME.
AFTER DIAGNOSING TWO NEW CASES FLORIDA DECLARED A PUBLIC HEALTH
EMERGENCY.
HEALTH OFFICIALS WANT TO CAUTION ANYONE LIVING IN FLORIDA THAT
THEY'RE LIVING IN FLORIDA.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WATCH OUT.
WATCH OUT.
SADLY, OVER AT DISNEY WORLD, TOUGH NEWS FOR THE SEVEN DWARFS.
DOC HAD TO PUT SNEEZY DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY.
>> Stephen: I SAID TOUGH NEWS.
I SAID TOUGH NEWS.
HARDEST HIT SO FAR IS WASHINGTON STATE.
GOVERNOR INSLEE HAS DECLARED A STATE OF EMERGENCY.
THOUSANDS ARE SUSPECTED TO BE INFECTED, AND THERE HAVE BEEN
MULTIPLE FATALITIES.
EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT THE VIRUS MAY HAVE SPREAD UNDETECTED THERE
FOR WEEKS, AFTER PERFORMING A GENETIC ANALYSIS.
GENETIC ANALYSIS IS ALSO HOW THEY FOUND OUT THE CORONAVIRUS
IS 14% FRENCH CANADIAN ON ITS MOM'S SIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S KIND OF FUN.
IN THE FACE OF THIS VIRUS, TRUMP IS FOCUSING ON THE MOST
DANGEROUS THREAT TO AMERICA: THE DEMOCRATS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> NOW THE DEMOCRATS ARE
POLITICIZING THE CORONA VIRUS.
ONE OF MY PEOPLE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "MR. PRESIDENT, THEY
TRIED TO BEAT YOU ON RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, THAT DIDN'T WORK
OUT TOO WELL.
THEY COULDN'T DO IT.
THEY TRIED THE IMPEACHMENT HOAX.
THAT WAS ON A PERFECT CONVERSATION.
( BOOING ) THEY TRIED ANYTHING, THEY TRIED
IT OVER AND OVER.
THEY'VE BEEN DOING IT SINCE YOU GOT IN.
IT'S ALL TURNING-- THEY LOST, IT'S ALL TURNING.
THINK OF IT, THINK OF IT.
AND THIS IS THEIR NEW HOAX."
>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT A HOAX.
IT'S A CRISIS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP'S MORE CONCERNED WITH
COVERING HIS ASS THAN PROTECTING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
IT EXPLAINS HIS NEW EMERGENCY BROADCAST MESSAGE.
(AS TRUMP) "BEEEEEEP.
THIS IS ONLY A HOAX.
IF THIS WAS A REAL EMERGENCY, I WOULD CALL IT A HOAX.
BEEEEEEP."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) BIG FANS OF THE EMERGENCY
BROADCAST SYSTEM.
THIS WEEKEND, THE FIRST CASE IN NEW YORK CITY WAS CONFIRMED.
IT'S A WOMAN IN HER 30'S WHO IS ISOLATED IN HER MANHATTAN HOME.
A WOMAN IN HER 30'S ISOLATED IN HER MANHATTAN HOME FOR THE
WEEKEND?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE MORE
SPECIFIC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SHE'S OKAY.
I HOPE SHE'S OKAY.
( PIANO RIFF ) NEW YORK BUSINESSES ARE ALREADY
TAKING PRECAUTIONS TO TRY TO STAY OPEN DURING A POSSIBLE
OUTBREAK.
ONE BAR OWNER HAS WRITTEN TO THE MAYOR TO SEE WHETHER THE CITY
CAN OFFER LICENSES FOR TAKEOUT COCKTAILS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: FEED A
COLD, MARGARITA A FEVER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW.
IT'S THE SALT.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE SALINE LEVELS UP.
AND NEW YORKERS ARE EVEN CHANGING THEIR BEHAVIOR TO AVOID
EXPOSURE BY REDUCING HANDSHAKES AND HUGS AND CONTORTING
THEMSELVES ON THE SUBWAY TO KEEP FROM TOUCHING THE POLES.
HOT TIP FOR ANYONE VISITING NEW YORK CITY: NEVER TOUCH THE
POLES.
( LAUGHTER ) NEVER TOUCH THE SEATS, THE
DOORS, THE FLOOR, THE OTHER PASSENGERS, OR THE GUY
PLEASURING HIMSELF IN THE CORNER-- EVEN IF HE ASKS...
AND HE WILL ASK.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TY
BURRELL.