ah
beautiful day i'd call it
perfect but it's missing something
don't you think ah there it is this
morning just wasn't complete until your
first cup of coffee
right yeah there's nothing quite like a
steaming cup full of an addictive drug
in the morning i'm roger
and i'd love to tell you about horton
brand warm addictive brown stuff
please enjoy this footage of velvety
smooth beans
followed by a well shot close up of a
hot brown
liquid that's brewed by mixing heated
water with the roasted
smashed up seeds of a flowering shrub
native to southern africa and tropical
asia
i only showed you that to remind you you
desperately need your fix
how could you forget you see these small
brown seeds are a naturally occurring
source of the world's most
widely consumed central nervous system
stimulant
caffeine while most brain altering
substances are outlawed or at least
tightly controlled by the government
this entirely legal psychoactive drug is
enjoyed by basically every person you
know
on a daily basis completely unrestricted
and with zero cultural stigma in fact
it's openly celebrated by your friends
family and morning television
personalities
smells so good i can't wait to add
flavors and sweetener
to distract from the natural flavor of
this thing i claim to love and not be
addicted to
i do like it it's just that two sugars
and that hazelnut creamer make it
i'm not a dick junkies like him keep me
a harvester of brown
seeds in business but not just me
also me a distributor of overpriced
addictive sludge
it also comes in pumpkin flavored if
you'd prefer
that to the wet cigar boiled asphalt
flavor that occurs naturally
i do great that'll be 11
and here's a cup with your name just
butchered on it to prove that you will
let literally anyone treat you
literally however they want as long as
they're handing you a
cup of the chemical reward of an
unregulated psychoactive
drug enjoy your drug disguised as a
universally
celebrated touchstone of human culture
randor
randor that's not even a name
i didn't even try
now i understand that you wouldn't want
to associate that chemical reward with
the knowledge that
people with far less money than you are
severely underpaid to grow and harvest
these
bitter drug-laden seeds so i'd like to
show you some more footage
this time of a hard-working
happy-looking person in
ethiopia or guatemala somewhere hot it
doesn't really matter
i'm also going to say some words that
combined with these images
should make you feel better organic
cooperative sustainable
ethical ethics
i could bore you with the details and
complexities of the international
commodities
market or i could just say hey
look this burlap bag of beans has fair
trade stamped on it
that's good right sure
or at any rate it lets you plausibly
deny that your happiness fix relies on
somebody else's misery
now the only thing that'll keep you up
at night is this central nervous system
stimulant you consume on a daily basis
via this mix of heated water and roasted
smashed up seeds
why are you doing this why are you
telling us this you're really
cranky when you haven't had your coffee
you know that
there you go a nice
warm cup of your personality
drink it up i'm roger by the way
hey i'm roger thanks for watching
like and subscribe
hey what other terrible aspects about
coffee did i miss put it in the comments
and
i'll read them and we'll get back to you