-Wow! [ Cheers and applause ]
How exciting is this?!
Hello.
So, here is a little bit of fun
for you to have at the airport, okay?
Little prank for you to play.
All you need to do is go down to your local fancy dress shop,
hire yourself a pilot's outfit, pop it on,
then head down to your local airport,
sit in the bar, and get completely wasted.
[ Laughter ]
Just watch people around you losing their minds.
"Hey, where are you going?
Ooh! That's my one!
Don't worry. I know a shortcut."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
I'm a nervous flyer.
I get very nervous when I fly.
And they don't do enough to help us, do they?
The safety demonstration -- can we drop that already?
It's 2017.
We've got the seat-belt fastening down.
We don't need any of it.
Why do we have to start every flight
with a cabin crew performing a little play
entitled "The Horrific Ways You Could Die on this Aircraft"?
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's...
It's 'cause we have this routine on planes,
and we're used to the routine, so no one questions the routine.
Well, I'm the guy who questions the routine.
[ Laughter ]
I was on a plane the other day.
I was doing something we have all done
loads of times before on the plane --
lifting up the blind for takeoff and landing.
For the first time ever,
I decided I would ask the stewardess
why I had to lift up the blind for takeoff and landing.
It is a question that I regret asking...
[ Laughter ]
...'cause this is the genuine reason.
I said, "Madam, out of interest,
why do I have to lift up the blind for takeoff and landing?"
She looked at me. Do you know what she said?
She went, "Well, sir, if something were
to go wrong with the engine, then you are the pilot's eyes."
[ Laughter ]
"I beg your pardon!"
[ Laughter continues ]
"I'm not ready for that level of responsibility,
and no one told me that when I purchased the ticket.
I was very much led to believe
I was traveling in the capacity of passenger,
not bloody co-pilot!"
[ Laughter ]
"Also, I think you may have picked the wrong guy.
Let's look at the evidence here.
I've had a sleeping pill, two glasses of red wine,
and I just cried whilst watching 'Inside Out.'
I'm not your man!"
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
How does this --
How does this scenario play out in your head?
As we're nose-diving towards the ground,
and I look out of the window
and see smoke billowing from the engine,
I'm meant to, what -- just amble up to the cockpit,
pop my head through the door, "Awfully sorry, gents.
Your eyes in the back here.
I don't know whether you're aware of this,
but one of the wings has fallen off."
[ Laughter ]
"You might want to buckle up.
I will send someone through to show you how it's done.
Thank you!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's crazy!
[ Cheering continues ]
That very much made it sound
like I said something to the stewardess.
Obviously, I didn't actually complain.
I'm British.
I wouldn't dream of causing a fuss.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think I'm capable of complaining.
I hate complaining.
If I'm with someone that's complaining in, say,
a restaurant, I die inside.
I'm like, "Just, please, don't say anything.
Just don't make a scene.
Just eat the nut, all right?
We have an EpiPen at home. We will deal with it later.
What? No! Everything's wonderful!
Thank you. No, no! She loves it, as well.
Her neck is always that big. That's normal. Thank you."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Social anxiety -- that's my problem.
I have social anxiety.
That's why, hands down,
the hardest bit of traveling for me -- Passport Control.
Oh, I hate Passport Control.
I cannot deal with being questioned
by a figure of authority.
[ Laughter ]
Every time, I fall apart --
under the most basic of questioning, as well.
I walk up, they're like,
"Where are you traveling from today, sir?"
"France. No, Spain -- Italy!
Damn it! Sorry, England.
Don't know why I said that, didn't sleep on the plane.
Drugs didn't work.
Not drugs like 'drugs' drugs!
I mean, drugs like sleeping-pill drugs.
I don't have any drugs on me. I'm not a mule.
Please don't look in my bottom.
I have explosive diarrhea. Not explosive like a bomb!
Oh! I just said 'bomb' in an airport!
No! It's not a -- It's a phrase!
I keep saying 'bomb'!
Bomb, bomb, bomb!
The more you say it, the less offensive it becomes!
Bomb, bomb, bomb! Ooh! It's like a song!
I'll stop saying 'bomb' now 'cause you're all looking at me
like I'm a terrorist.
I promise you, I'm not a terrorist!
I'm just Jack, plain old Jack.
Hi, Jack! Not 'hijack'!
[Bleep] No! Don't shoot!"
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Thank you very much!