-No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.
-None taken. People love their pets.
Sergeant, why am I here?
I'm always incredibly appropriate.
In high school, I was voted "Most Appropriate."
-Ooh, self-burn. Those are rare.
-Like any other 16-year-old girl,
all I wanted to do was sit in my room alone
reading books on US history.
-God, you must have been the worst 4th grader ever.
-Joke's on you. I skipped 4th grade.
-Santiago, anything else? -No.
-No? -Mnh-mnh.
-You don't know who you're dealing with, do you?
I was student chaperone at every dance from middle school on.
I've stopped more horny teenagers from making out
to Savage Garden than you can count.
That's right. I am a NARC --
a nationally accredited and registered chaperone.
I was president of the stenographers' club
in high school for a reason.
-Was the reason because you were the only member?
-Yes.
I just want a quick peek at your attendance record.
Zero absences?
Oh, mama.
Printing this for later.
-Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
-Oh, that's exactly where it's going.
I'm almost done with this project
but [Scoffs] I don't need to finish it,
because what matters is that you are going through something,
and as your wife and love of your life --
-Are you vamping so you can finish that?
-I only have two molecules left. Come on, man.
-Jake, we need to talk.
-Yeah. You guys do need to talk.
That sounds excellent. Friendship. So much history.
I'm just gonna get this out of your way.
-God, how long is that?
-Eight pages. -Single spaced?
-Double sided. -Santiago style.
Didn't you just get a joint library card?
-Don't remind me. I'm gonna be untangling that web for a month.
You think you can tempt me with the T-150 button maker?
Sir, you've got to see this.
It doesn't even make mirror backs.
This is a joke.
I took a seminar on conflict resolution,
and...
I have been waiting weeks to bust this bad boy out.
[ Sniffs ] Mm. New binder smell.
I got a little going-away present for you.
Don't worry. It's nothing big.
-Oh, my goodness. Wow.
-Okay.
-There was a binder.
-Not anymore. -No!
-Show me the binder.
-Okay, but it's not a binder.
It's a virtual binder,
and it's encrypted on this flash drive.
-That's my girl. Now, where's the 3-D model of the precinct?
-Inside the key chain.
It's a frickin' hologram. -Yes.
-We are officially transition from the month-of binder to...
[ Thud ] ...week-of binder.
There's a binder?!
Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot?
-We're gonna need to use the binder.
-Oh, mama.
-They come out with any new binders recently?
-I don't want to talk about binders, Rosa.
-Alright, that was my big gun. She's just gonna feel this.
-That means no more laminating, Santiago.
-Oh, that's fine.
It's not the thing that gives me the most pleasure in life.
Interacting with other people -- that's what gets me going.
Oooh, that's a nice lam job.
This one goes on the blog.
Cruise itineraries hot off the laminator.
Who's ready for some nonstop,
totally scheduled fun? -Oh.
-Sticky notes -- 3 sizes, 10 colors.
Permanent markers -- clickable only.
I don't want caps slowing us down.
And I need garbage bags -- 33 gallon, blackout, cinch top.
Are we gonna be graded or is this just some pass/fail garbage?
-Scale of 1 to 5.
-That's how many letter grades there are.
Feels like they're just being weird
using numbers instead of letters.
-Yeah, they're being weird right now.
-Oh, my God. She's totally gonna flunk us.
I haven't gotten an "F" since I failed recess in second grade.
"Teachers need a break too, Amy."
-It's a grade for your performance these past two days.
A letter grade so as to not be weird about it.
-Oh, my God. You really shouldn't have.
An "A."
Thank you.
Just curious, does your system have pluses in it,
or is, like, "A" the highest?
-There are several compelling anecdotes.
The fonts suit the tone.
Good work.
I did feel, however,
the word choice could have been improved in spots.
I marked them "awk" for "awkward."
-That was the best thing anyone's ever said to me.
-"I marked them 'awk' for 'awkward'"?
-It's advice. He's mentoring me.