With ten Democrats lined up and ready on the stage,
it was time to begin the third Democratic presidential debate.
And while most of the candidates used their opening statement
to pitch their version of America,
Kamala Harris decided to fast-forward straight
to her debate with Trump.
First, I have a few words for Donald Trump,
who we all know is watching.
So, President Trump,
you've spent the last two and a half years
full-time trying to sow hate and division among us as--
and that is why we've gotten nothing done.
And now, President Trump, you can go back
to watching Fox News.
(cheering and applause)
Ooh, Kamala, coming with the fire.
You hear the crowd? Hear how happy they were?
You know Trump is pissed off wherever he is right now, right?
Yeah, he's probably shouting at the TV.
"Joke's on you!
I got picture-in-picture!"
He was super furious. He's like, "You know what?
"Actually, you're fired again, Omarosa.
I'm done with you!"
So, Kamala Harris used her opening remarks
to go directly at Donald Trump.
But Andrew Yang... Andrew Yang went with a different approach.
He just went with cold, hard cash.
It's time to trust ourselves more than our politicians.
That's why I'm going to do something unprecedented tonight.
My campaign will now give a Freedom Dividend
of $1,000 a month for an entire year to ten American families,
someone watching this at home right now.
If you believe that you can solve your own problems better
than any politician, go to yang2020.com
and tell us how $1,000 a month will help you do just that.
This is how we will get our country working
for us again, the American people.
Oh, look at Asian Oprah over here!
Just giving everybody money?
Yeah. And clearly, Yang's not willing to wait
for the presidency to enact his policies.
He's just gonna do them now.
Uh, and I mean it was a cool moment, but I'm glad
none of the other candidates went with this approach.
Can you imagine if Bernie was like,
"And I... Okay, I will do my health care,
"free health care right now! Drop your pants!
"Everyone's getting a prostate exam!
"You getting an exam! You getting an exam!
Everyone's getting an exam!"
Speaking of free health care,
I hope Bernie has a voice doctor,
because something was definitely off with his throat.
(with a hoarse voice): This country is moving
into an oligarchic form of society
where a handful of billionaires control the economic
and political life of this country.
No! Bernie!
What happened to your voice?
Sounds all raspy and scratched up.
It sounded like someone gave Bernie a comb, and they're like,
"Sir, I think this could help," and then he swallowed it.
(laughter)
Yeah, I'm sorry, but I miss his voice.
Bernie with a diminished voice is just not the same, man.
It's like Luke Skywalker, but with a butter knife, you know?
Or O.J. with a butter knife.
(laughter)
And I'm not the only one who missed Bernie's voice.
I bet he did, too, because the most contentious topic
at tonight's debate was Bernie's Medicare for All plan,
specifically whether it's a good idea
to replace all private health insurance
with a government-run insurance plan.
When it comes to our health care
and when it comes to our premiums,
I go with the doctor's creed, which is, "Do no harm."
And while Bernie wrote the bill, I read the bill,
-and on page eight... -(audience clamoring)
On page of the bill, it says
that we will no longer have private insurance as we know it.
The problem, Senator Sanders,
with that damn bill that you wrote,
and that Senator Warren backs,
is that it doesn't trust the American people.
I trust the American people to make the right choice for them.
Why don't you?
Yeah, Bernie, why don't you trust the American people?
And Bernie's probably thinking, "I'll tell you why.
"Because one in five Americans believes in Bigfoot.
"That's why. You want those people deciding health care?
That shit is crazy!"
And while Buttigieg and Klobuchar were going
after Bernie's health care proposals,
Julián Castro decided that this was the perfect moment
to try and take down the king.
The option I'm proposing is a Medicare for All in...
Medicare for choice.
If you want Medicare...
If you lose the job from your insurance comp...
from your employer, you automatically can buy into this.
The difference between what I support
and what you support, Vice President Biden,
is that you require them to opt in.
And I would not require them to opt in.
They would automatically be enrolled.
They wouldn't have to buy in.
They do not have to buy in.
-You just said that. -No.
You just said that two minutes ago.
They do not have to buy in if they can't afford it.
You just said two minutes ago that they would have to buy in.
You said they would have to buy in.
Your grandmother would not have to buy in. If she qualifies
for Medicaid, she'd automatically be in for it.
Are you forgetting what you said two minutes ago?
-(audience groaning) -Are you forgetting already
what you said just two minutes ago?
Damn! Castro took it there!
No, because he knows Biden's battling the narrative
that he's a forgetful old man.
Yeah, so he jumped on this opportunity
to make Biden look old.
"Are you forgetting what you just said?
Are you forget...?"
And it didn't help that Biden seemed confused.
'Cause he couldn't hear, right, so he couldn't come back.
So then Biden was like, "What did you just say to me?!
"No, really. What did you just say?
I forgot. What did you just say?"
So that was health care.
The next topic of the debate was criminal justice reform,
right, which was one part of the debate
that had all the Democrats pretty much on the same page.
Uh, they all agreed on reduced sentences,
uh, the need to fight racial bias
and that snitches should get stitches.
So, it wasn't the most exciting topic,
but things did get tense
when the moderator shanked Kamala in the yard.
Also a concern for people of color
is criminal justice reform.
Senator Harris, you released your plan for that
just this week, and it does contradict
some of your prior positions.
Among them, you used to oppose the legalization
of marijuana. Now you don't.
You used to oppose outside investigations
of police shootings. Now you don't.
You've said that you changed on these and other things
because you were, "Swimming against the current,
and thankfully, the currents have changed."
But when you had the power,
why didn't you try to affect change then?
(applause)
Ouch.
I didn't believe in black-on-black crime until now.
(laughter)
'Cause that question was hard-core.
In fact, it was less of a question
and more of just, like, a public shaming.
And Kamala was clearly not impressed.
I mean, that's the face you make
when someone walks into the middle of a staff meeting
and just starts reading your browser history.
It's just like, "penispumps.com.
"hamsterporn.net,
Myspace..." You're like, "Take that back!
-I was never on Myspace!" -(laughter)
I mean, just look at Kamala's face.
You can see she was like, "I don't lock anyone up anymore,
but I'm willing to make an exception tonight."
And another topic, another topic that had Democrats, uh,
on the same page was the need for stronger gun control laws.
But one candidate stood out amongst the rest.
You said, "Americans who own AR-15s and AK-47s
will have to sell them to the government, all of them."
You know the critics call this confiscation.
Are you proposing taking away their guns,
and how would this work?
I am, if it's a weapon that was designed to kill people
-(cheering) -on a battlefield.
Hell yes, we're gonna take your AR-15, your AK-47.
-(cheering) -We're not gonna allow it to be used
against fellow Americans anymore.
That is a ballsy statement from Beto O'Rourke.
'Cause I don't think any other candidate has said flat-out
they're gonna confiscate guns.
And he said it with such confidence as well,
which is not the way I would talk about taking away
assault rifles from people who like to shoot.
(laughter)
Yeah. If I was gonna take someone's AR-15,
I'd be a lot more sneaky about it.
Be like, "Trevor, are you here to take my rifle?"
I'd be like, "Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
"We're just here in the neighborhood, you know.
"Just hanging out. Just, like... Oh, what's that?
-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" -(laughter)
So, that was guns.
Next up came immigration.
All right? The candidates told the audience
how they planned to undo the policies enacted by Trump.
No more kids in cages. Increase legal immigration.
Uh, give everyone free ladders to climb over the wall.
But when it came to Joe Biden,
the moderator was more interested in hearing
his opinions on President Obama's policies.
You served as vice president in an administration
that deported three million people,
the most ever in U.S. history.
Are-are... are you prepared to say tonight
that you and President Obama
made a mistake about deportations?
Why should Latinos trust you?
This is a president who came along with the DACA program.
No one had ever done that before.
This is a president who sent legislation to the desk
saying he wants to find a pathway
for the 11 million undocumented in the United States of America.
Yeah, but you didn't answer the question.
Well, yeah, I did answer the question.
No, did you make a mistake with those deportations?
The president did the best thing that was able to be done
-at the time. -How about you?
I'm the vice president of the United States.
Oh. That was not a good look for Biden.
Because... This always happens, right?
When Obama is being praised,
Biden jumps into the picture with him
But then when Obama is being criticized,
Biden's like, "Look, man, I was the vice president.
"I didn't do shit. Vice president doesn't do shit.
"Yeah. They don't even give you the keys to the White House.
You have to wait for someone to come unlock it for you."
But, like, you can't take all the credit
and avoid all of the blame, right?
It would be like if people all of sudden came to Robin,
and they were like, "Batman is a deranged vigilante
"destroying Gotham with his rocket-launching cars.
He's a bad man!" And Robin's like,
"Hey, man, I'm just the sidekick.
"Like, do you see Robin signals in the sky? No, no.
"It's not the Robin-mobile. We don't have a Robin-cave.
Yeah, yeah. By the way, I'm underage."
This is actually creepy when you think about it.
But even though Biden was happy
to run away from Obama's record on deportations,
for the most part, the candidates on stage tonight
wanted to make one thing very clear.
They roll with Barack.
I want to give credit first to Barack Obama
for really bringing us this far.
We would not be here if he hadn't the courage.
We all owe a huge debt to President Obama.
What I favor is something that what Barack Obama wanted to do
from the very beginning.
Well, I'm for Barack.
I'm fulfilling... fulfilling the legacy
of Barack Obama, and you're not.
-(laughter, gasps) -Wow!
That's the power of Barack Obama.
Almost four years later, so many Democratic candidates
are still trying to wrap themselves in his legacy.
He was getting so much love at tonight's debate,
I bet Michelle was looking at him,
like, "Is there something you want to tell me?"
Huh? Were you smashing all these candidates?"