-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, let's get to some good news.
Today gas prices in the U.S.
hit a two-month low coming in just under $4.50.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That story again -- gas prices are still high.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, gas prices are on the way down.
This morning, a White House aide said,
"Good news, Mr. President."
And Biden was like, "Is today April 1st?"
Of course, Biden can't catch a break.
Gas prices are finally down,
but thanks to the heat, Gatorade is now 7 bucks a gallon, yeah.
I don't know if you've noticed, but it is hot!
It is hot. -Yeah, how hot is it?
-Not just here in the U.S., but there are record
high temperatures all across the world.
Seriously, it's so hot, people on TikTok were slapping
each other with tortillas just for the breeze.
[ Laughter ]
-Oy! -Pshew!
It's so hot right now,
the Fantasy Suite on "The Bachelorette"
is just the back of an ice-cream truck.
Hey! -Oh, hey, oh!
Mr. Softee! -Yeah, yeah, that's --
[ Laughter ]
It is so hot, people are ordering Chipotle
just so the E. coli can give them the chills.
That's what I'm saying.
People are doing this 'cause that's how hot it is.
All across Europe, the heat is brutal.
Today actually was the hottest day in the history
of the U.K. at 40 degrees Celsius.
Yeah, Americans heard that and were like,
"Yeah, we have no idea what that means.
Is that hot? Is that hot?"
Yep, the heat has been breaking records around the world,
and we're all trying to beat the --
[ Thunder crashes ]
Oh, what --what is that?
-Yeah, it's in my contract.
If it gets above 95, I get misted.
-Oh, really?
-I don't want to call you a loser,
but you should get a better agent.
[ Thunder crashes ]
-Wow.
-Oh. Now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow. You're getting -- -Yeah.
-Does that feel good? Does that feel good?
-Yeah, now I'm cool!
-Yeah! [ Laughs ]
Yeah, you're definitely cool, buddy.
-My man! -You're definitely cool.
-I'm blind! -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Some TV news.
"The Bachelorette" is in full swing, and if you --
[ Cheers ] Yeah. Oh, it's good.
If you don't know, now you know.
This season there are not one, but two Bachelorettes.
[ Audience oohs ]
It might sound weird to date two girls at once,
but remember it is a show about dating 32 guys at once.
So just remember.
So, as of last night, they're down to 21 guys.
Yeah, and I gotta say,
my favorite remaining contestants are...
Jacob, James, Jason, Johnny, and Jordan.
[ Laughter ]
Just saying. I just --
One more time.
That's James, Jacob, Johnny, Jason, and Jordan.
[ Laughter ]
Again, that's Jamie, Jamie,
Jeremiah, Jamarcus, and Jordan.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And just so we're clear,
that's Jibbly, Jobbly, Jasobbly, Bobobbly, and Jordan.
And finally, one last time.
That's Ja, Jeh, Jer, Juh, and I forget this guy's name.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It was...
Last night's episode was pretty dramatic.
In case you missed it,
here's a re-enactment with actual words
from the actual show
starring me, Tariq, and Questlove.
Guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Thanks, Jimmy.
I'll be playing Chris,
a contestant with nefarious intentions.
-And I'll be playing Quincey, who is about to confront Chris.
-I'll be playing Jordan H.
Alright. Let's get ready.
-My personal perspective is that if you're in a situation
where there's four people invited to this Fantasy Suite,
and then the female in the situation
has sex with someone else, then I wouldn't be interested
in that person being the person I'm with.
-Would you vocalize that to them before Fantasy Suites
or during Fantasy Sites or -- or after Fantasy Suites?
-Good question.
Well, it would be dependent on the situation.
-Well, you wouldn't know the situation.
-Listen. Listen.
-You wouldn't know the situation!
-Gosh darn it! I did not say that!
Like, like, I did not -- -Did he not?
Did he not? Did he not? Did he not?
-Look. Look. Look. -Did he not?
-Did he not? Did he not? Did he not? Did he not?
Did he not? Did he not? Did he not?
[ Laughter ]
-Look, you're trying to control it, though.
-Look. I've let you speak.
And I let...him speak.
-I'm just saying, the way you're saying it
is still rubbing us the wrong way.
[ Laughter ]
-It's -- It's -- It's rubbing you wrong?!
Rubbing you wrong?! -Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Questlove and Tariq, everyone.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-No. No. No.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Switching gears...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. Switching gears...
Switching gears... I read that over -- Very nice.
I read that over the next few months Toys "R" Us --
Toys "R" Us will open inside every Macy's store
across the country.
Yeah. Yeah.
They've combined a department store with a toy store,
or as I like to call it, a Target.
Well, get this. Apparently due to inflation,
I don't know if you guys heard this.
Consumers... -I didn't hear. What is it?
-Consumers are cutting back on chocolate purchases.
-What?! -Yeah.
Well, I guess now that explains
the new Whitman's Sampler commercial I just saw.
Check this out. -At times like these,
you need chocolate you can't resist,
Which is why we're releasing
our brand-new Whitman's Sampler: No Bull [Bleep],
without all that unnecessary crap everyone hates.
So say goodbye to cherry cordials that taste like
fruit dipped in your grandmother's perfume
or coconut chews that leak out a weird milky goo.
And let's be straight-up -- no one likes nougat.
Whitman's Sampler: No Bull [Bleep].
You want bull [bleep], call Russell Stover.
-I mean, that's just -- Can you believe I saw that?
-Odd. Indeed. -Hey, guys.
I saw that today former New York City mayor
Bill de Blasio dropped out of the race for Congress.
Yeah. He --
[ Applause ]
The hardest part was breaking the news to his supporter.
[ Laughter ]
You guys see this?
A man in Wisconsin tried to use a brick to rob a Kay Jewelers.
Did you see this?
But it did not go as planned. Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
After...
After a few minutes, even the security guard was like,
"Here, let me try."