Hello and welcome! My name is Heather, I'm a Registered Professional Counsellor and a certified
life coach. Today, I'm gonna be analyzing the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
This is one of my favorite movies of all time, so let's get started. Joel discovers that after
a fight with his girlfriend, Clementine, she has undergone a procedure from Lacuna Inc. to
permanently erase her memories of him and their relationship. In desperation, Joel also undergoes
the same procedure to erase Clementine from his memories; however, as each memory slowly and
painfully disappears, Joel realizes that he wants to hold on to them and he tries to escape the
process by hiding him and Clementine in different memories from his childhood. In the end, Joel and
Clementine are still drawn to each other despite any memory of their relationship. In this video,
relationship theories such as attachment theory, the interdependence theory, and the self-expansion
theory will be applied to understand the core aspects of this relationship. The attraction
between Joel and Clementine was strong and was felt immediately by both characters when they
first met at a friend's beach party. Joel mentions how he thought Clementine was exciting and how
he was instantly drawn to her. Interestingly, when he first met Clementine, Joel was living
with his girlfriend, Naomi. Regardless of him already being in a relationship, Joel continued
to pursue Clementine and eventually broke up with Naomi. Several deleted scenes suggested that Joel
felt bored in that relationship and he was staying in it for the sake of comfort. According to
interdependence theory, Joel's dependency to his relationship with Naomi was low because he has
low standards for the relationship. After meeting Clementine, his comparison level for
alternatives was high because he was attracted to the possibility of excitement that she can
bring to his life. Although Joel was happy in his relationship with Naomi, there was a high
comparison level for alternatives because he broke up with Naomi in order to start a relationship
with Clementine. "Whatever it is you think you have with this chick, once the thrill wears off,
you're still Joel with the same problems. It's not somebody else." To support the
interdependence theory, after the memories of Clementine were erased Joel no longer had
a high comparison level for alternatives and as a result he contemplated about getting it
back together with Naomi. "Maybe I should get back together with Naomi. She was nice. Nice is good.
She loved me." On multiple occasions in the movie, one can clearly see that Joel and
Clementine were attracted to each other because of their opposite personalities. Self-expansion
theory can explain why shy and polite Joel was intrigued by Clementine's adventurous and
outspoken personality which was reflected by her assertiveness to encourage Joel to try new and
exciting activities with her. The dissimilarities of personalities has the potential of expansion
for both people. Clementine is clearly attracted to Joel's quiet and polite personality possibly
as a result from her previous relationships. Self-expansion theory would best describe this
form of attraction as 'rapid expansion' as Joel engages in new activities because of Clementine.
This is evident during both of their first encounters with each other: 1) at the beach
party where Clementine breaks into a beach house with Joel. "Nobody's coming here and I believe me.
I think we should go. Why? It's our house just for tonight"
and 2) when Clementine takes Joel to the frozen Charles lake for a night picnic.
"It's not gonna crack or break or it's so thick" Both of these occasions aroused strong
physiological responses because they took Joel out of his comfort zone and brought him feelings
of fear and excitement. It is quite possible that the elements of self-expansion theory and
the misattribution of arousal can help us understand what contributed to Joel's
initial attraction to Clementine. Joel desired the possibility of expansion that he thinks Clementine
can give and the feelings of excitement and fear were perceived as feelings of romantic
arousal. Eventually, these feelings diminish over time and our self-expansion decreases leaving
feelings of boredom and dissatisfaction which proved to be evident in this relationship as
their partnership continues. It eventually became stagnant and repetitive which is portrayed in
the restaurant scene that Joel wrote about in his journal. "Dinner at Kangs again.
Are we like those boring couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead?
I can't stand the idea of us being that couple people think that about." In order to be satisfied
in a relationship, self-expansion needs to be an ongoing process that lasts beyond the initial
phases of a relationship. in this case, Joel and Clementine's relationship would have benefited if
they have made an effort to try new experiences together. Also, if Joel opened up and shared
more about himself to Clementine it would have been another opportunity to self-expand. We will
see it later on how this became detrimental to their relationship. So let's talk about
attachment theory: attachment theory suggests that intimate relationships we form in our adult
lives are shaped largely by the nature of the bonds we form with our primary caregivers in
infancy and early childhood. The scene where Joel desperately tries to hide Clementine in
his childhood memories clearly showcased his attachment style as a four-year-old - namely
anxious avoidance style. For instance, Joel expresses a longing for his mother's attention.
"She's busy. She's not looking at me. No one ever looks at me."
Several times his mom walks in the kitchen and Joel continues to hide under the kitchen table,
rather than approaching his mom, and yet when she leaves the kitchen he comes out
from his hiding spot. At some point his mom asks if he's okay and he doesn't respond.
"This is strong evidence of Joel experiencing anxious avoidant attachment because he does
not show that he wants his mom's attention when she's near him and he ignores his mom when she
asks if he's okay. It is very possible that he's experienced several occasions of his mom ignoring
him in the past when he was seeking comfort. What he learned is to avoid his mom even though he
wants her to comfort him. There's strong evidence of Joel experiencing his avoidant attachment
because he doesn't want to show that he wants his mom's attention even though it's clearly there.
And what happens is that we take these experiences from our childhood into our adult relationships
and we behave the exact same way. So if a person has avoidant attachment, they still have a longing
for intimacy, but they're so afraid of getting hurt or rejected that they completely avoid the
situation because they expect the other person to hurt them. The glimpse into Joel's childhood
has provided important clues into his intimate relationship and attachment style with Clementine.
Unable to witness Clementine's childhood, we can only speculate on what her childhood may have been
like from her interactions with Joel. To help determine her style of attachment, we can find
important clues from the scene when Clementine was telling Joel about her dolls that she had
as a little girl. She specifically describes one doll she named after herself because she thought
it was ugly and wished the doll would be pretty so that she could magically be pretty also. Joel
responds to the story by telling Clementine that she's pretty over and over again. Thus, reassuring
and comforting Clementine's insecurities. We can also see signs of Clementine's dependence on Joel
and the relationship. This would suggest that Clementine has a preoccupied attachment style
which is portrayed in her adult relationships as insecurities about her appearance. Therefore,
she needs constant reassurance that she's beautiful from her relationship with Joel and
we see that in her relationship with Patrick, the temporary relationship she has after her memories
were erased. It can also explain why she feels the need to constantly change her hair color. Given
Joel's avoidant attachment style and Clementine's preoccupied style it was only a matter of time
until conflict arose in the relationship. There were several incidences in which their attachment
style needs have become a source of conflict. Especially the scene when the couple was in bed.
"I tell you everything. Every damn embarrassing thing. You don't trust me. Constantly talking
isn't necessarily communicating." It is clear that Clementine values the feelings of closeness
and intimacy and she believes that sharing and having open communication is an important part
of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, Joel's avoidant attachment style causes
him to avoid the intimacy that Clementine seeks. "People have to share things, Joel.
That's what intimacy is. I want to know you." She suspects that the reason Joel is closed
off is because he doesn't trust her, which may be possible given his attachment style.
"If you don't have any thoughts or passions or love."
Joel often says throughout the movie that his life wasn't interesting, thus,
this is the reason why he doesn't want to open up to Clementine. Joel's uninteresting life may also
be a driving motivation for his attraction to Clementine as he believes that she will
bring excitement to his life. "I still thought you were gonna save my life. Even after that."
Although attracted to Clementine's adventurous personality, Joel remains an emotional distance
in the relationship to avoid feelings of pain or rejection. Despite his emotional avoidance, it is
clear that Joel seeks a deep sense of intimacy as another journal entry allows us to capture:
"Because my chances of that happiness are somewhat diminished. Seeing that I'm incapable of making
eye contact with a woman I don't know." It is possible that the attention he wanted from his mom
has transferred to the attention he wants from women in his adulthood.
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"
However, even if a woman were to show him attention, he would still avoid emotional
intimacy. Thus, not allowing his partner to self-expand by getting to know who he was.
"People have to share things, Joel."
During times of high tension and threat to the relationship, conflict often pursues. It appears
that the main problem in the relationship is that Clementine wants a relationship to progress,
but feels that Joel is not committed to her or their relationship. Clementine's perspective
may be influenced by her preoccupied attachment style and feels closed off from Joel. As a result,
rejection is especially painful for preoccupied individuals because it confirms doubts that they
have about their self-worth while robbing them of the security that they need others to provide for
them. Joel's emotional avoidance appears to be an ongoing issue in their relationship, As a result,
the couple becomes more dissatisfied in the relationship with each other
and conflict escalates. Conflict becomes more persistent near the end of their relationship
specifically when Clementine brings up the topic of wanting to have a baby with Joel.
It is clear that Clementine wants to have a conversation about the future
of their relationship and Joel consistently refuses to engage. This is a good example of
the demand/withdrawal pattern that is often seen by couples during times of conflict
Clementine pushes Joel to discuss the possibility of having children and the more she pushes
the more he withdraws. He repeats how he doesn't want to discuss the topic
with her and tries to find reasons why they shouldn't have a baby. Clementine interprets
this withdrawal as a form of rejection and starts becoming defensive and blaming Joel.
Clementine reacts to Joel's question defensively and starts blaming him for not being committed
to the relationship which is understandable considering how Joel appears to be emotionally
avoidant and distant. According to John Gottman's Communication Concepts, Joel's physical reaction
to Clementine was a sign of contempt because he is rolling his eyes and walking away from her.
It appears that Joel has a pattern of stonewalling and ending the conversation or refusing to respond
which is shown through both verbal and emotional stonewalling - resulting in contributing
to Clementine's feelings of frustration and resentment. One way Clementine could have brought
up the discussion of having kids is by saying, "Joel we've been together for a while now and I
really love you and care about you. I'm excited to be able to move on to the next chapter of
our relationship and to me that looks like having kids. How do you feel about that?" And hopefully,
this can allow Joel a safe place to respond, but given his attachment style it's really difficult
for avoidant attachment people to open up and to really understand their feelings and to express
it. He might realize that they're not ready for a kid. They still have a lot of issues that haven't
been addressed or worked out and throwing a baby in the mix isn't going to magically fix things.
The other thing is that a lot of their issues could have been solved if they went to see a
couple's counsellor and then that way they would be able to communicate together and the counsellor
can help facilitate those important conversations so each person can feel understood and heard.
The attachment theory best identifies Joel's anxiety when he waited until 3am for Clementine
to come home from drinking. Although Joel was angry that Clementine was out so late without him,
he had feelings of anxiety about the relationship which is illustrated by him staying up and waiting
for her to come home. Clementine comes home drunk and confesses to Joel that she got into a small
accident with his car. "I was a little tipsy don't call me pathetic lit is pathetic
it's [ __ ] irresponsible." This is a clear example of Gottman's Communication Concept
of criticism in which the couple are attacking each other's personality and character instead
of communicating and focusing on the specific behavior. We see another side of Joel's anxiety
when he accuses Clementine of sleeping around in order to get people to like her. Their
conversation gets heated and escalates into the breakup. Gottman would label Joel's comment
as contempt because this statement attacks Clementine's character and shows that Joel is
disgusted with her actions. Interestingly enough, the statement reveals Joel's insecurities about
the relationship. So instead of Joel reacting this way, he could have told her that he was worried
about her and that by her drinking and driving he was worried about her safety and also other
people's safety on the road. The other thing that could have happened is that Joel could have waited
until the morning time to have a conversation with her. She's clearly intoxicated so it's not like
the conversation is going to be functional in the first place. Also, it would have given him time
to kind of process how he's feeling and to also formulate how he's going to communicate that with
her. It is evident that Joel and Clementine are dissatisfied with their relationship because of
their constant arguments and the fact that none of their underlying issues are being resolved.
At the end of the movie, Joel and Clementine find their way to each other again, despite having
their memories erased. However, they both received their patient files from Lacuna Inc. which
provided information of their relationship and voice recordings in which each person described
why they were unhappy with each other. Realizing that they were already in a relationship before,
Joel and Clementine try to figure out whether or not they should start over. The movie ends with
their uncertain decision of getting back together. Although it appears that they are both willing to
start over even if they know it won't work out. From a psychological point of view, it is evident
as to why Joel and Clementine's relationship failed. If they decide to start over it is
likely they will fall back into their old erased patterns. Thus, leading back to a dissatisfied
relationship. However, it may be possible for their relationship to work if they decide to learn
from their mistakes that they've made before. The voice recordings they received will be a
candid guideline for them to make changes. One of the main changes that needs to be made is Joel's
communication with Clementine. He needs to be able to open up and share more with her rather than
closing off and withdrawing. Their relationship may also thrive if they continue to self-expand.
Scientifically, it is clear how the attachment theory, the interdependence theory and the
self-expansion theory work interrelatedly to understand the initial attraction and the
overall demise of their relationship. If you have any other movies you'd like me to analyze, please
leave your suggestions in the comment below! If you like this video make sure to subscribe
to my channel for more videos like this in the future. Until then, be kind and love yourself.