- I look like a college football coach who got fired
'cause he wouldn't take the vaccine.
(audience laughs)
Everyone else on the show is very cool looking, all right,
and then you have me.
I look like the baby John Goodman
and Roseanne actually would have had.
(audience laughs)
It's very accurate. It's correct.
I'm wearing shorts. I gave up on looking cool.
I gotta look good, all right.
I gotta, like, I worked hard on my legs.
That's what I did.
I've been taking care of me all last year.
All I did was lift weights and read books. That's it.
I just cosplayed prison.
The whole year, I did.
My wife got into this side of me, she did, yes.
Oh yeah. She got into it.
She got into me. She did.
She was strapping and clapping.
Oh yeah, she was digging out my cookie cutter for,
that's right, my bubble was in trouble all of last year.
It's great. I didn't know how much fun it was.
Anyone else, fellas, who's had a finger in their ass?
Yes! Heroes, progressives!
Who hasn't had a finger in their ass? What about you?
- [Man] Don't kiss and tell.
- What's being kissed?
- That's a yes, so. - Have you, did you?
- You know. - I have no idea.
You could go either way.
I like how you're being coy about it.
You're like, "I'll never tell."
What about you, fingered? - No.
- Never had a finger in your butt?
- No. - Sir, do you like to come?
(audience laughs)
Do you like to come? - Yes.
- Not as much as me.
I must get it all.
That's fun. It's fun to have fun.
I didn't have fun on an airplane recently.
I experienced a very bad fart, everyone.
And I know right away you assume it came from me.
I look guilty of every fart ever.
Since the beginning of butts,
since the first cheek splitting train, I looked guilty.
But no, this one did not emanate from south mouth.
I was on a plane, there was four people,
and this was a real heinous odor, real bad.
This fart proved that there is no God.
It proved that we're in a cold, deaf universe
where there is no plan for anything,
because there's no way a benevolent creator
would have created an animal
that could both make this smell and smell this smell.
(audience laughs)
We're alone, everyone.
This fart was so bad that when the wave crested in the front
of the plane,
an old man took his hat off, waved it in front of his nose,
and bellowed, "Have mercy!"
It was a POW hat.
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's how bad it was!
This man who's experienced atrocities and lived to name
begged for mercy, "Have mercy!"
He Uncle Jesse'd, everybody.
That's just a fart joke in your comedy show.
That's fun. Right?
- Yeah! - You got to do it.
Did you guys wear masks last year?
(audience cheers)
Sick move, cool move.
I'm from Colorado. They were not with the movement.
Yeah, it was brutal.
I'm not an anti-masker.
I just think "Ace Ventura" is better. Come on.
Guys, (audience laughs)
you guys take that one to work on Monday, all right?
Make a friend.
I've been waiting a year to tell that fucking joke.
(audience laughs and applauds)
It was crazy to watch America rip itself in half
over that simple garment.
You had half the country that was like,
"If you don't wear a mask,
you're an enemy of society.
You're discompassionate. You don't believe in science."
Then you had the other half of the country
that was like, "If I can't go to Buffalo Wild Wings,
I'm gonna blow up a post office."
(audience laughs)
I'm a patriot, you know? I compromised.
I ordered in Buffalo Wild Wings, blew up a toilet.
That was my go to.
I do have to leave, before I do, though,
I want to tell you guys about, I wrote a book.
I wrote a novel, everyone.
(audience cheers)
I know we're in Brooklyn. Everyone wrote a novel, all right?
Big deal, fat man, go back to the butt finger stuff.
I did. Everyone says it's the best.
That's what I keep hearing.
Got very good reviews.
The Denver Post, "Chaotic blitz, vivid, electric,
red light cinema."
Ron White, "A hell of a novel, too fucked up to miss."
Southern Poverty Law Center,
(audience laughs)
"Troubling in it's violent rhetoric."
(audience laughs)
Don't know why we put that one on the back of the book.
It's tough to get reviews.
So I'm gonna read you guys an excerpt,
a snippet, if you will.
And you will, all right.
- Yeah! - Here's a little snippet.
Yeah, yes. (audience cheers)
This is like a good poetry reading.
One you want to be at,
you're not trying to impress a girl.
So here you go.
If you like it, buy it off SamTallent.com.
All right, here we go. Just a little taste.
"The Pope looked the president in his eye.
'Deeper, you pig.
I want to feel every throbbing inch.'"
(audience laughs)
So if you'd like to know more, (audience cheers)
buy the book.
My name's Sam Tallent, everyone! Thank you!