(heavy breathing)
- Oh, no.
Oh, good God. No.
- "No," what?
- This is it, isn't it?
I knew it. This is the end.
This is the zombie apocalypse.
- What? No.
Why would you think that?
- I don't know, the whole ominous entrance?
The gas mask?
- Oh. Oh, I bought this at an army surplus.
I thought it would look cool.
- Okay. First off, it doesn't.
- Debatable.
- Second.
Does this really feel like the type
of situation where entering in a gas mask is a good idea?
- I don't know.
I thought it might lighten the mood.
- Geez. I thought we were in world War III.
- We are. Well, maybe?
TBD.
- That can't be how you just told me that news.
- Surprise.
- These videos have gotten so sick and twisted.
- Oh, remember when they were just about the pandemic?
- Oh, we were so young back then.
- Oh, sweet summer child.
- God, we were so naive, like little babies.
- Unborn?
- Sure.
- That reminds me.
I have another update
but I have to be very careful about how I say it,
'cause I don't wanna ruin the space time continuum.
- This? This is where you're worried
about the space time continuum?
The whole series lacks consistency.
- Okay. So let's say you order a pizza.
It arrives at your door.
It's got pineapples on it.
- Okay. I don't mind pineapple.
- No, no, no.
You didn't order pineapple.
It was a mistake. It was an accident.
- Oh.
- Rule is now.
You can't take them off.
- But I didn't order that.
- Yeah, but the government says you can't take it off.
- Well, can we get someone else to take them off?
- Absolutely not. You'd both be arrested.
- Okay. What if I was allergic to pineapple?
What if the outcome of me eating that pineapple was death?
I could take them off then.
- Survey says no.
- The government wants to control my pizza?
- That they do.
- But it's not their call. It's my pizza.
- It's your pizza. Your choice.
- Yeah, exactly.
And you know, I may want the pineapple.
I may not want the pineapple.
I'll tell you what?
It's nobody's business what I do with my pizza.
- Oh, trust me.
If there was more access
to pineapple education and pineapple prevention
there would be way fewer pineapple accidents.
You know,
and people think this is just an American issue
but they need to be standing up
for their pizza topping rights everywhere.
You know first it's this,
next is they won't let you have two
of the same sausage on one slice
of pizza or say goodbye to stuffed crust.
- What are we talking about?
- I have said too much.
- Yeah, but I feel like I-
- Nice new table, hey.
- Yeah. It's nice.
It's teak. I love teak.
- We love teak.
Okay. Now for something lighter.
- Okay. Rapid fire.
Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.
- That's a strange sentence.
Amber Heard pooped in Johnny Depp's bed.
- That's a stranger sentence.
The new Stranger Things is epic.
- Oh, they keep knocking it out the park.
- You don't hear about the pandemic as much.
- I'm tired of people getting sick.
- Oh, well, good luck with monkey pox.
- I... (laughs)
I can't tell if you're joking.
- Why would I joke about that?
- I don't know, cause you showed up wearing a gas mask.
- To lighten the mood.
- Does the mood feel light?
- Well, whose fault is that?
- I'm you.
- Not for seven months, you're not.
- Oh, you know what?
You can just go.
- Okay. Just before I do.
I need you grab a Jerrycan. Several.
Get a bunch of Jerrycans.
Get a barrel and load 'em up with gasoline.
Maybe keep some in your bathtub.
I think that'd be good.
- That feels like a massive fire hazard.
- Well, you know what?
Just trust me.
I'm feeling snacky.
Do you wanna order a pizza?
- Not if I can't control the toppings, I don't.
- That's right.
Whoa, I gotta take this off.