Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you are new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I'm a life and relationship coach this week. I want to talk about codependency
More specifically where it kind of stems from how do we how did we learn this?
How did we become this?
And I want to give you some tips at the end of the video for you to start focusing on day to day
So you can start to heal your codependency
Now before we get into this week's video like always if you have not subscribed don't forget to click on the subscribe button down below
If you are interested in private coaching with me
I always link all of that information down below as well as information on my online my 9 week online course
So it's basically me coaching you online. So you can look at all that information. I'll leave the links down below
So let's get right into this week's topic
So what does codependency codependency is basically putting someone else's needs and wants and desires
And thoughts and feelings ahead of your own in a nutshell. It is the need to try to
meet others expectations to give others what it is that they need so it's always an extreme focus on
outside of ourselves
So someone who is codependent is usually someone who tends to be an empath although not all codependent are impacts
And it's basically person that is super hyper focused on
What are the needs and wants and thoughts and feelings and desires of other people rather than ever?
really really focusing on what's going on within themselves kind of person is usually the person that tries to
save people that wants to help
Every single person and they often do that at a cost to themselves
So me wanting to save you
Basically puts you at the forefront
Always and I am on the back burner. So I'm the last kind of think about what is best for me
Should I be doing this? What do I need today? I don't really know how to take care of myself
and the reason why I'm trying to cure you save you is because that actually gives me
Validation and actually makes me feel
filled up inside in a
Lack way. So we all know that helping others feels amazing, but when we're not filled up ourselves
And we don't know how to do that ourselves or when we're not good to go and we're helping others
And we're not in a space to do it or we're doing it for the wrong the wrong reasons quite frankly
Then it becomes a different feeling it becomes more of I need this in order to live versus
I feel amazing while I'm doing it because I'm in such a good space myself that I want to help other people
So by me helping you and me me always being the dependable one and the one that you know takes on other people's problems
You will then
Hopefully this is what I'm thinking way deep in the back of my mind as a codependent
I am hopefully thinking that you will validate me that you will love me that you will never leave me
um
And again that all of that gives me a sense of self
It helps my self-esteem and it helps my my self-confidence my self-worth
But again, it's coming from a lack place
so it's never really going to make you feel like you have high self-esteem or confidence or love within yourself because you're giving
these things for the wrong reasons
It's very much like a narcissist a narcissist is a taker so they can take so they can then feel good inside
Whereas a codependent is a giver and they give so they can feel good inside
but again, both things are done for are done on unhealthy levels because both people have
Extreme low self-esteem and lack within themselves that they're trying to fill internal voids
versus someone who is very healthy and good to go and filled up and good in their own life and gives because
You know
They're so filled up that they can just give and they want to give they're in a good space to give not
giving to get and not taking to get
oftentimes a lot of codependent people have a real problem with shame and a real problem with
not feeling worthy not feeling good enough not feeling like they
Deserve happiness that they deserve love that they deserve a great relationship
They deserve that job, but they want so again that low self-esteem that low confidence really plays a factor in someone who is codependent
So that sense of kind of feeling needed really gives them gratitude. So oftentimes
Codependent people feel like they're responsible for other people's happiness. --is
Um, so if you're not happy, I need to make you happy because if you're not happy, then I'm not happy
It's that kind of mentality
They usually have an extremely hard time with saying no
They have a hard time with putting their own needs ahead of someone else's they tend to be a pushover
They tend to kind of go with the flow. Um
Until the point of not being able to take it anymore and then they kind of explode so they always hide
their true thoughts their real feelings
Because they never want to rock the boat
and like I said
They suppress and they suppress then all of a sudden one day to kind of just either they are going to unleash and react very
irrationally all of a sudden or get very upset for
No apparent reason because they've been suppressing a lot of what they're feeling which then causes resentment either within themselves or towards the other person
Which really what they're doing is they're just projecting their own
Unhappiness onto the other person because they're not um, you know speaking their own truth
They're not saying what they think and how they feel. Um
Or they could just really suppress it forever never really unleash at all and become depressed
So the need to want to save others so much where you put others always at the forefront
um
It hurts two people it hurts
Yourself because obviously you're never actually owning what it is that you need and how you feel and being able to speak your truth
So you're suppressing that part of yourself, which is gonna manifest in some way
like I said
Whether it's depression or sadness or frustration and anger and resentment
And it also doesn't help the person that you're supposed to be
saving or helping because really what you're trying to do is fix other people's problems and not let people
Come to those conclusions themselves. You're not letting people stand on their own two feet and fall or
you know accept that not everyone wants help and everyone's on it Jurnee so you being able to
kind of relinquish control
Over everything is really something that codependent struggle with and I'll get into the control control aspect in a minute. So now
Codependency most often it is rooted in our childhood like everything else. Thanks. Mom and dad. All right. Thanks
Whoever raised us
so if you grew up in a home where
emotions and
feelings and being
Honest was something that was not something that really happened in your day to day life that you were either ashamed for how you felt
Or punished for how you felt or quite frankly
Didn't get the things that you needed growing up
which most oftentimes children don't really know a
Child at four years old five years old seven years old is not going to be able to know
Hey, I really need this from you. Mom and dad
But later on in life, they kind of realized. Wow, that's something that I really wish my mom and dad would have done for me
Sometimes a child will absolutely know depending on the age of the child what it is that they need but if they've been programmed
Already from the start of their life to where they are now
they may not be that in tuned with themselves to be able to really
Know what it is that they need or know what they want
Because they have learned to suppress that part of themselves because they have already established
in their mind that either there's something wrong with themselves and that's the reason why they're not getting it or
They don't know any different quite frankly
So when you're a child and you're not getting what you need emotionally there and that is just repeated time and time again
You are going to form a wound and you're going to form the I'm not enough really that's what it is
So what I think what I feel what I need, I'm not getting there must be something wrong with me. I'm not enough
I'm not worthy and that reinforced time and time again
really jeopardizes a child's self-esteem
so there's two things that kind of happen that form this codependency either the child lives in a household where
and again
You can really kind of go with way. You could really go into like a narcissistic
Tendency with this or you can going to go into a codependent tendency with this but one or both of the parents
like I said
We're not giving the child what they need
emotionally and if the child is expected to live up to a certain standard that
They're not able to meet or exceed
At whatever age maybe even consistently over the course of their childhood again
That's gonna form I'm not enough that's going to enforce
Low, self-esteem and low self-worth because they're never gonna feel good enough because nothing is ever good enough because you're always wanting more
From me the other route that this could take in terms of how to really you know
Bring codependency to forefront and have you turn out to be a codependent adult is?
When the lines between the child and the adult are very blurry
So what I mean by that is the child is exposed to things that they shouldn't be exposed to where oftentimes
adults will come to me and say you know
I always felt like I was the grown-up I always felt like I was the adult I always felt like I had to take care
Of my mom and my dad I was they just had they've had so much burden
put on them at such a young age and it could be a
range of things, right
You could have come home to an alcoholic parents where you have to learn how to cook for yourself at
too early of an age
Where you had to do this for yourself?
because if you didn't you didn't survive so you had to learn very very early how to be an adult and
Do it quickly
And so you never really had a childhood in the sense that someone really took care of you now again all things balance
I'm sure every parent can know that over the course of a child's life their childhood
Even you know beginning teens we have to teach them how to eventually leave the nest, right?
So doing little things like hey, we're gonna do a couple of chores. We're gonna learn how to make our bed
We're gonna do this, but we're not expecting
every single day for you to do certain things for yourself in order for you to
Survive, that's never gonna be the case. I'm always going to be the parent
I'm always going to be here to take care of you in those ways. I'm just showing you over the course of 20 years
15 years, whatever it is. This is how you become an adult, but I'm not four
I'm not pushing you into that role at the age of nine years old
so sometimes when the child is expected to care for the parent or
Be the parents friend or hear things that they shouldn't hear. They then worry
They then feel stressed they done they then take on burdens. Like I said that they shouldn't be taking on and when that happens that
immediately turns a child into being in touch with themselves and what they think and what they need and having
People adults honor that within them too then becoming so hyper focused on
What is everyone else need because I be the adult
So if you think about it, when you're an adult if you have a family if you have children if you have responsibilities
There are days as much as we try to take care of ourselves and put ourselves first
We can't always because then of course that would be selfish and narcissistic
But there are days where other things come before our own selves and that's where balance just comes into play
We have to learn how to balance our own lives
Yesterday it was all about the kids and this and today I'm gonna focus on myself and get myself back where I need to be
That's mental health. That's you taking care of yourself, right?
So but when you're a child and you never have that
You're always forced to worry about other people and other things and have responsibilities that you shouldn't have
you never get to really work that internal muscle of learning how to stay focused on yourself and what it is that you need because
You don't have anyone around you honoring that
It's always about what else what someone else needs now over the course of time
You can see where it just becomes habitual to worry about. What do you need? What do you think?
How does that make you feel that it ah versus ever
Really getting in tune with yourself. So no matter what?
Upbringing you had whether it was unhealthy or not
What you went through time and time again becomes the norm it becomes where you feel stable where you feel in control
Whether it's healthy or you know, healthy or unhealthy
So where you lived became your source of stability
So as you become older you're going to correlate
in care of others with control and stability and it's gonna make you feel
It's gonna make you feel better because it's all you've ever known so you don't know how to like I said be focused on yourself
And really take care of yourself in those ways. You always have been focused on other people and other things
So, how do we begin to heal?
One of the things that you have to do every single day if you can raise your hand and say you know what I am
A people pleaser. I am codependent. You have to practice mindfulness. You have to slow yourself down in every reaction
You have to number one know who are the people in your life that you tend to
Want to save them or you want to help them so much where you know?
You go above and beyond with this person list all those people down
and in the midst of you having your relationships with these people just feel
Whereas - when are you going too far with something every single time you help this person out you need to ask yourself
Why am I doing this? Should I be doing this?
Is this good for me to be doing this right now?
When you start to ask yourself those questions
You'll then come to the realization that a lot of the times you're doing what you're doing
you're focusing on this person because you want to make them happy because you don't like to live in a space of
people not doing well and
That's not really something that you need to put on yourself
you need to worry about yourself right now and you have to learn how to
Become a little bit more selfish with your time your energy your money your whatever in order for you to kind of like adjust
to like a healthier version of yourself
Rather than just always giving and giving and not even thinking whether or not you should be doing this
So I hope you have enjoyed this video
If you did, don't forget to give it a thumbs up and don't forget to click on that subscribe button down below