WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A LEGENDARY ACTRESS WHO IS
CURRENTLY PORTRAYING THE LEGENDARY ACTRESS
JOAN CRAWFORD IN FX'S "FEUD".
>> BETTE, IT'S TODAY'S WORK, IT'S A GOOD SCENE AND JOAN LIKES
IT.
>> I NEVER SAID THAT.
I AGREE WITH BETTE, THE WRITING DOESN'T BEGIN TO CAPTURE HOW
WOMEN GET UNDER EACH OTHER'S SKIN.
THE INTENT IS THERE.
BUT THE EXECUTION IS LACK LUSTRE.
>> YOU WORK ON THAT.
SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO.
>> WE'LL ANXIOUSLY BE AWAITING A REWRITE.
>> I LIKE THAT, "ANXIOUSLY AWAITING."
( LAUGHS ).
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME JESSICA LANGE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LOVELY TO MEET
YOU.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> YES.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME.
>> Stephen: NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HERE, LIKE THE
PRODUCER WHO TALKED TO YOU BEFORE YOU CAME OUT HERE, TOLD
YOU THAT YOU'RE PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME BEING IN SHOW
BUSINESS.
>> NO!
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> WHY?
>> Stephen: WHY?
WELL, I WAS A YOUNG MAN IN COLLEGE STUDYING PHILOSOPHY, AND
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
I WASN'T GOG OPEN A PHILOSOPHY SHOP.
AND I CAME HOME FROM COLLEGE, AND MY MOM, WHILE I WAS AWAY
FRESHMAN YEAR, HAD GOTTEN CABLE, NOW THAT I WASN'T THERE ANYWHERE
G.M.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I CAME HOME ONE NIGHT AFTER
BEING OUT WITH FRIENDS AND THERE WAS THIS MOVIE ON THAT I HAD
HEARD OF BUT NEVER SEEN CALLED "ALL THAT JAZZ."
IN "ALL THAT JAZZ--" IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'S A
TREMENDOUS MOVIEUE PLAY THE INSPIRATION TO JOEL GIDDIAN YON.
YOU'RE DEATH.
>> ANGEL OF DEATH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ANGEL OF DEATH.
>> , OF COURSE, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND I WATCHED AND I WENT, "DEATH DOESN'T LOOK THAT
BAD.
IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD."
IT'S NOT A FLATTERING PORTRAYAL OF SHOW BUSINESS.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: AND I JUST THOUGHT I HAVE TO BE PART OF THAT.
SO THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR HELPING SUCK ME IN TO THIS
CIRCUS WORLD WE LIVE IN NOW.
>> THAT WAS FOSSE.
HE WAS REALLY SOMETHING, WASN'T HE IN.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW HIM BUT, YEAH, WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY
CHARACTER.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THE UGLY LOOKS BEAUTIFUL AND THE UGLY IS
BEAUTIFUL IN THAT WORLD.
>> NO, I MEAN, AND HE REALLY-- YOU KNOW, WITH THAT FILM, I
MEAN, HE-- HE REALLY FELT STRONGLY ABOUT, LIKE, THIS
IMAGINARY CHARACTER, YOU KNOW.
AND WE WERE WAY OVER BUDGET, WAY OVER SCHEDULE, AND THE STUDIO
DIDN'T WANT TO SHOOT IT, AND HE REALLY INSISTED, LIKE, TAKING
THAT LAST WEEK AND SHOOTING ALL THOSE SCENES WITH THE ANGEL OF
DEATH.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS SHOTAR EVERYTHING ELSE WAS DONE?
>> YES, IT WAS HIS FANTASY OF HOW HE WANTED TO DIE.
WHICH WAS GREAT, I THINK.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WELL IN TUPLAY AN ABSOLUTE-- YOU PLAY A-- A PERFECTION OF BEAUTY.
HE SEES DEATH AS A PERFECTION OF BEAUTY, AS BEAUTIFUL AS A ROSE,
HE SAYS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU AND THE ROSE ARE THE SAME.
THAT'S QUITE A COMPLIMENT.
>> THAT WAS.
YEAH.
WELL, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
NOT AT ALL.
I MEAN, EVERYBODIY KNOWS YOU AS AN ACTRESS, BUT YOU'RE ALSO A
PHOTOGRAPHER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND YOU'VE DONE THAT FOR A LOT OF YOUR LIFE,
RIGHT?
YOU LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY.
>> I DO LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY.
I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING IT THAT LONG.
I WAS INTERESTED IN IT FOR A VERY LONG TIME PBUT I'VE ONLY
BEEN SHOOTING MYSELF-- NOT SHOOTING MYSELF.
YOU UNDERSTAND.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND THE NOMENCLATURE.
>> I HAVE ONLY BEEN SHOOTING ABOUT 15 YEARS OR SO.
>> Stephen: YOU ALSO MADE A CHILDREN'S BOONG OF BOTH
PHOTOGRAPHY AND YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS CHILDREN'S BOOK.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT A LITTLE BIRD.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
WHAT IS THE TRUE STORY?
>> WELL I WAS SHOOTING THIS FILM CALLED "TITUS" IN ROME, AND I
WAS THERE BY MYSELF.
AND I ONE DAY WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET, AND THERE WAS, LIKE,
A BIRD MARKET, AND I BOUGHT THIS LITTLE CANARY AND TOOK IT HOME.
AND IT LIVED WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME THAT I WAS WORKING IN ROME.
AND THEN THE FILM WAS OVER, AND IT WAS TIME TO COME BACK TO THE
STATES.
AND I THOUGHT, WELL, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THIS BIRD?
I CAN'T JUST GIVE IT AWAY OR LEAVE IT.
SO I CALLED SOME OF THESE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE THAT I ASSUMED
WOULD KNOW ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF AND ASKED, "HOW DO I GET A
BIRD BACK TO THE STATES?" AND THEY WOULD, LIKE-- THEY HAD
NO IDEA.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "OH, I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO PUT HIM IN QUARANTINE FOR A YEAR OR SO."
BIRDS DON'T LIVE THAT LONG TO BEGIN WITH.
SO IT WAS-- AND THIS WAS PRE-9/11.
I ALWAYS HAVE TO PREFACE IT BY THAT.
I PUT THE BIRD IN MY POCKET, AND WE WENT THROUGH CUSTOMS, AND
PASSPORT CONTROL.
AND THIS LITTLE, BEAUTIFUL LITTLE CANARY IN MY POCKET, AND
WE GOT ON THE AIRPLANE, AND I TOOK HIM OUT OF MY POCKET, AND
PUT HIM IN MY HANDBAG, AND HE HAD WATER AND FOOD.
WE MADE THE FLIGHT.
I TOOK HIM BACK EYE WENT TO THE BATHROOM WITH MY HANDBAG, AND I
TOOK HIM BACK OUT OF THERE, PUT HIM BACK IN MY POCKET, AND WE
WENT THROUGH CUSTOMS, AND -- >> Stephen: SO YOUR BAG WENT
THROUGH THE X-RAY THING WAY BIRD INSIDE?
AND NO ONE NOTICED?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO X-RAY.
PRE-9/11.
YOU WOULD JUST GO THROUGH-- YEAH.
SO, NO.
THE BIRD WAS IN MY POCKET.
I MEAN, I JUST WALKED RIGHT THROUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, THE BIRD WASN'T IN THE--
WHEN IT WENT THROUGH, LIKE, THE BAG.
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T IN THERE.
>> IT WASN'T IN THERE.
THEN HE WAS IN MY POCKET.
BUT HE WAS GREAT BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: YOU ARE-- ARE
YOU-- YOU ARE TECHNICALLY-- >> I'M A BIRD SMUGGLER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE AN INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL.
>> I AM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I PROBABLY AM.
( CHEERS ) RIGHT IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS,
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN WORRYING SOME PEOPLE LATELY BY
TALKING ABOUT RETIREMENT.
>> AH.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE NOT DOING THIS?
PLEASE DON'T, BUT WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
>> WELL, A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO I ACTUALLY LOOKED INTO FALCONRY.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER BIRD?
>> ANOTHER BIRD.
A BIGGER BIRD.
>> Stephen: KEEP THIS ONE AWAY FROM YOUR CANARY.
HAVE YOU FALCONNED?
>> NO, I NEVER HAVE, BUT I HAVE BEEN FASCINATED BY IT.
I DO LOVE BIRDS, AND, LIKE, A BIG-- I JUST KEPT THINKING LIKE
A BIG FALCON OR LIKE-- TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THAT
ANIMAL, TO THAT BIRD, AND, LIKE, ACTUALLY HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.
BUT THEN-- AND I LOOKED INTO IT.
I MEAN TO GET A FALCONRY LICENSE IN NEW YORK IS CRAZY, WHAT YOU
HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> IN CASE ANYBODY WANTS TO KNOW.
IT'S LIKE-- THERE'S A LOT TO IT.
>> Stephen: THEY DISCOURAGE THE FALCONRY DOWN IN THE
SUBWAYS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> SO, SO-- AND THEN I STARTED THINKING IN PRACTICAL TERMS,
WELL, WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH A FALCON IS YOU'RE SENDING HIM OUT
TO KILL.
YOU'RE SENDING HIM OUT TO HUNT.
>> Stephen: KILL MICE AND RABBITS.
>> RABBITS AND THINGS.
AND I THOUGHT AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP
WAY FALCON OR A HAWK, I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD REALLY WANT TO
BE INVOLVED IN KILLING.
>> Stephen: OH.
ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S VERY SWEET.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
>> I JUSTUE KNOW, THE IDEA OF A FALCON RUNNING DOWN A RABBIT WAS
LIKE -- >> Stephen: HE'S GOING TO KILL
THE RABBIT ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, WHETHER OR NOT YOU ASK HIM TO.
>> WHETHER OR NOT I'M THERE.
>> Stephen: NOW, THE-- THE SERIES ON FX, IT'S A SHORT
SERIES, CALLED "FEUD."
IT'S ABOUT JOAN CRAWFORD AND BETTE DAVIS, WHEN THEY WERE
MAKING "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?," RIGHT?
>> WELL, IT'S AROUND THAT AREA EYE MEAN THAT TIME.
BUT IT-- IT GOES BACK AND FORTH BECAUSE IT COVERS A LOT OF THEIR
EARLIER LIFE.
IT COVERS THEIR LATER LIFE.
SO IT'S NOT JUST CONCENTRATED ON THAT TIME.
>> Stephen: DID THEY HAVE A LONG-TERM FEUD?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK THERE WAS A LOT OF COMPETITION.
I THINK THERE WAS A LOT OF-- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THERE WAS NOT--
THEY DID NOT ENJOY EACH OTHER WHEN THEY WORKED TOGETHER.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT UNDER OATH.
IT WILL BE FINE.
YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE YOU'RE TESTIFYING BEFORE CONGRESS RIGHT
NOW.
>> I DO.
I'M TRYING -- >> Stephen: I'D QT I'D LIKE A
LAWYER PRESENT BEFORE I ANSWER THAT QUESTION."
>> ALL THAT DOUBLE SPEAK THAT YOU HEAR.
I'M PRACTICING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A FAMOUS ACTRESS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY FUSED OUT THERE?
>> NO.
I MEAN, FOR INSTANCE -- >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I FEUD IN MY HEAD WITH PEOPLE.
BUT I DON'T HAVE-- LIKE, NOW I'M CARRYING ON A FEUD WITH
KELLYANNE CONWAY, JUST IN MY HEAD.
>> Stephen: IN YOUR HEAD, YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, YOU CAN OPEN YOUR
MICROWAVE AND YELL RIGHT AT HER, RIGHT INTO THE MICROWAVE.
>> THE THING, IS REALLY, IF YOU GOT A SCRIPTANS ACTOR, AND THAT
SCRIPT CAME, YOU KNOW, TO YOU AND, YOU KNOW, THEY PREFACE IT
BY SAYING, YOU'VE BEEN OFFERED THIS PART."
YOUR AGENT CALLS YOU, "YOU'VE BEEN OFFERED THIS PART."
ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMEN IN THE GOVERNMENT RIGHT NOW.
SHE'S A COUNSEL TO THE PRESIDENT.
SHE'S A SPOKESPERSON.
AND THEN YOU PICK UP THE-- YOU READ IT, AND YOU THINK THEY'VE
GOT TO BE KIDDING.
THIS IS, LIKE, ARE THEY-- YOU KNOW, HERE-- YOU'VE GOT A SCENE
WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT ALTERNATIVE FACTS?
YOU'VE GOT A SCENE WHERE YOU, LIKE, YOU KNOW, IMAGINE THAT,
LIKE, THE MICROWAVE IS TURNING INTO A CAMERA.
I MEAN, YOU GO TO THE INAUGURATION DRESSEDAISE
NUTCRACKER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: JUST THE LADY TO PLAY.
YOU COULD DO SUCH A GOOD JOB.
CAST THIS WOMAN.
>> WOULD YOU-- YOU CAN JUST HEAR THAT CONVERSATION BETWEEN THE
ACTOR, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
NOBODY'S GOING TO TAKE THIS CHARACTER SERIOUSLY.
SHE'S A JOKE."
>> Stephen: JESSICA, NOBODY DOES.
( LAUGHTER ) JESSICA LANGE, EVERYBODY.