- Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey, babe.
- Oh my God, my Zumba class was so much fun.
My instructor, Fernando, is awesome.
- Uh huh.
- He's funny too. Had a lot of stamina.
The hour class went by so fast.
Gotta shower, babe. Love you.
- Uh huh. Love you too.
(light music)
- Hey babe, I'm headed to Zumba.
- Hold on, I am coming with you.
What?
- You hate Zumba.
- I never said that. I said.
- You said you'd rather wear a leotard to a ballet class
than go to Zumba.
- Well, if Fernando is so good like you said he is,
then we should have some fun.
- You know Fernando's gay, right?
- Wait, he's gay?
- Yes. He's gay.
- Of course he's gay. Yeah, I knew that.
- So are you coming?
- Oh, you know what I just realized?
I gotta go walk the dog, I gotta do laundry,
I gotta wash the dishes.
- Josh.
- I'm gonna go.
- Every man's greatest desire is to be the man that you want
in that relationship.
And therefore, his greatest insecurity is inadequacy
to not measure up to the man
that you want in that relationship.
And there are things that you can say that can lift him up,
that can help him feel like he's the man that you want.
And there are things that you can say
that can tear him down and draw out his inadequacies.
Now, we know that you don't have control
over how someone else feels.
We can't control that.
But what we say can absolutely influence someone's life.
You can say things that uplift,
you can say things that tear down.
And so knowing the phrases that uplift your man
and knowing the phrases that might draw out his insecurities
is highly valuable when wanting to create deeper connection.
So today, we're gonna explore five phrases
that trigger a man's insecurities.
Check it out.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, my name is Mat Boggs and I'm the founder
of the Love and Relationship Division
of the Brave Thinking Institute,
and our mission is empowering people
to create a life they love and increasing love in the world,
one heart at a time.
And so if you are not subscribed yet, take a moment,
get subscribed, and click the little bell
because every week we bring you videos
to empower you in your love life.
Now, let's dive in to these phrases
that trigger a man's insecurities.
Now, as we dive into these phrases, it's important to know
and I wanna give a disclaimer,
this is not about coddling men,
this is not about playing to their insecurities
or trying to not draw this out.
No, this is about understanding
that certain phrases feel better than other phrases,
just based on how we're wired up.
So let's dive in.
Phrase number one is, "My guy friend is the best."
Now, men do not want to hear how awesome other men are
in your life.
He doesn't wanna hear how strong your trainer is.
He doesn't wanna hear
how funny your Zumba teacher is, right?
Now, they might be awesome, they might be funny, but man,
we just don't really wanna hear about it, okay?
Now, if you wanna share, share with your girlfriends,
share with your mom, share with other people.
And if you have to tell them about it,
talk about what they did or said that's awesome
rather than how awesome that person is,
because whether you're comparing that person
to your man or not, your man is certainly comparing himself
to the experience that other person is giving you.
Number two is this, "I'm gonna ask my dad to fix this."
Now, you know that men love to be your hero.
They love to provide for you,
they love to fix things for you,
and when you go to another man
before asking him to help you,
that feels a bit like a betrayal of trust.
When my wife and I were engaged, she had a flat tire.
Now, she knows I am not the handyman.
I do not fix things around the house very easily.
I'm not trained in that. I'm happy to pay someone else.
And so she gets a flat tire one day,
she doesn't even call me,
she calls her dad to come help her out.
When she gets home, she's like,
"Yeah, I got a flat tire today."
I'm like, "Did you change it yourself?"
And she's like, "No, I actually called my dad to help me."
And I'm like, "Wait, we're gonna be a husband and wife.
Why didn't you call me?"
And she was like, "I didn't even think about it.
I've just always called my dad in those moments."
So know this,
let your man be the first person that you call.
He may say, "I don't know how to do it."
He may say, "Let's hire someone else to do it,"
but he will feel good if you call him first to be your hero,
to help you fix it or you fix it first, either way,
both of those options are better
than you calling another man first
and placing your trust in him.
Number three is you threaten to break up
when you're arguing.
Certain people have a style when they're arguing
where they will blow out and they'll say,
"I'm out of here," or, "I'm leaving," or, "You know what?
Maybe this just isn't gonna work between the two of us."
That argument style is toxic.
When you threaten the relationship,
when you threaten to break up,
it puts the relationship on unsteady ground.
Now, if you really do wanna break up,
then that's the moment to bring it up and tell the person,
otherwise it's a toxic communication style.
So if you're using, "I wanna break up,"
or, "This isn't gonna work out,"
as an argument style or your partner is,
make a commitment that both of you refrain
from doing that moving forward
and you're gonna be a whole lot better off.
Number four is, "You're not doing it right in bed."
Being good in bed is a huge source of insecurity for men.
Most men have not taken a sex class
that teaches you how to be good in bed.
Most men have not taken a female anatomy class.
If they're good in bed at all,
it's because of trial and a whole lot of error.
So instead of telling him what he's doing wrong in bed,
ask him what you want him to do right.
Tell him that you find it really sexy when he does this
or that it feels really good when he touches you there.
Believe me, when you tell him what you want him to do,
he's gonna be more than happy to do that for you.
And number five is the granddaddy
of all insecure statements and it's this, "Be a man."
When you say, "Be a man," to a man,
it's like an arrow strikes right to the heart
of his manhood.
"Be a man," insinuates
that you don't think he's being a man.
And often women will say this
when he isn't meeting some sort of expectation
that you have.
So way better than saying, "Be a man,"
'cause often men don't even know what that means.
What do you mean, be a man?
What am I not doing that you want me to be doing?
So instead of saying, "Be a man,"
tell him exactly what you want him to do.
You're gonna have a way better outcome,
a way better chance of him living up
to the expectation you have
if you ask him to directly provide that for you.
The opposite of, "Be a man," is, "You're the man."
You wanna give your man a great compliment,
you wanna help him feel good?
Tell him that. Say, "You're the man."
My wife said a version of this the other day
where we were driving and she said,
"Hey, honey, I just, I gotta let you know,
you are doing a great job of being my man."
When she said that to me, I felt myself fill up
with positive energy.
I felt myself charge up.
It was like I could hear this theme song going off
in my head like this.
(bright trumpet music)
I'm the man, baby. I'm the man.
I loved it. You wanna charge up your man?
You tell him, "You are the man."
So my question for you is, what statements have you said
to your man where you feel him lift up, you inspire him,
you know that it charges him up?
Post those in the comment section below. I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching and I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)