Do you want to know why a narcissist has to destroy you
when they leave you, or you leave them?
By the end of this video, you're going to know exactly why they feel they need to destroy you.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, and I've been recognized as one of the top 1% of attorneys in the country.
And I have written a couple of bestselling books. Negotiate Like You M.A.T.T.E.R.,
and Breaking Free: A Step-By-Step Divorce Guide. And more importantly for you,
I've helped thousands, actually millions now, of people get out of relationships with narcissists
by teaching the negotiation skills that you need to get what you want and have a fair,
equitable result. So if that sounds good to you, make sure you subscribe to my channel and hit that
notification bell so that you'll get notified when I upload more content that helps you with what
you need to get what you want from narcissists. So let's talk about why does a narcissist need to
destroy you to leave you, or even if you're leaving them. Anything that's regarding the
discard phase of a narcissist means that they're going to try to bring you down,
destroy you, out to get you, no matter what. And you think, "Why? Why does this have to be
destroying? Why can't we just come to a nice reasonable conclusion?" Well, the answer is, as
it always is when it comes to narcissists, it goes back to that whole concept of narcissistic supply.
And supply is anything that feeds their ego. They have no sense of inner self. That is very, very
fragile. They're the most insecure people on the planet. And so they have to get all their value
from the outside. And they protect it no matter what. It's really a survival instinct. It's like
if you live, then I can't. If you survive, then that means I don't. It really, to them,
is like a war and you're the enemy. I've had to deal with a couple of narcissists
myself in my own life. Actually, they were both covert narcissists. But in one of them, I had a
situation where I was like I'm hoping to really have a peaceful resolution to the end of this
relationship. It was a situation where it wasn't working for me in a kind of a business setting
and I wanted to have a peaceful resolution. And this other person just couldn't do that.
They couldn't do that. And why can't they do that? Because they just feel like if
you are happy in your new life or anything like that, then that's the end of the world for them.
So what happens is, in the discard phase of a relationship, and if you want to know more about
the discard phase of a narcissistic relationship, check out my video on narcissistic discarding and
what happens there at the end of the relationship. But in that phase, that's when you start to see
the birth of the smear campaign. And that's when they start lining up their flying monkeys,
start triangulating. And the discard phase and that smear campaign can happen
even long before you think that it's actually the end of the relationship. They're just making sure
that if anything ever happens, that they're going to be the ones that have the upper hand.
So when it comes time for that to happen, that's when you'll start to see them talking to other
people, they might start slipping in little things about, "This person is difficult," or that they're
a victim of you in some way, they haven't been treated well by you in some way. I was actually
just having a conversation with somebody yesterday who I'm going to be interviewing,
coming up for my podcast and for this show. And he was talking about how crazy it is that
it's normally the empath and you're normally the one who's doing everything for the relationship.
You're carrying the relationship. You're basically, 90% of the work and all of that. No
matter whether it's a personal relationship or a business relationship, it's never equitable.
You're always the one doing most of everything and hoping that the other person will eventually
appreciate you, will eventually realize how much you're doing, and how much you're putting into it.
And you're constantly walking on eggshells and you're constantly being gaslit.
And passive-aggressive techniques being thrown at you, and your brain is like
scrambled eggs or something. And yet, then they turn around and start going to
third parties and saying how awful you are and how much you've taken advantage of them. And basically
all the things that they're doing to you, they go and tell everybody that you're doing to them.
And a lot of times, especially if they're a covert narcissist, they're really good at playing the
victim, and everybody thinks they're so kind and generous and nice because that's how they are
to every single person in the world, other than the people that are closest to them. And
so it's really, really surprising for those of us who are empaths that this is what's going
on. And you're always kind of like a step behind because you don't realize that this is going on.
So what happens in a litigation setting is you, empath, are over here going,
"Well, let me try to figure out a way to nicely come to a resolution of this case,
or of this relationship in some way. Let me figure out what we can do." And this is what happens with
a lot of us. I hear a lot of you saying to me, "I just want this, or I'll just take this small
amount. I don't want everything. I'm not going for this part. I don't care about the money. I just
want my kids. Or I don't care about all of these other assets. All I want is this." Or whatever.
And by doing that, you're just making smaller what it is that you're going to
tell them that you want. And whatever that is, they're going to chip away at that,
even if it's the smallest little thing. Because it's not about that settlement for them.
What it's about for them is making you miserable, continuing to control you, continuing to
manipulate you, continuing to intimidate you. All of those things give them narcissistic supply.
And that's why, when you're dealing with them in a negotiation setting, in a case,
whether it's in a business litigation, or a divorce litigation, or a probate litigation,
or whatever kind of case you're dealing with, sometimes it goes on for years.
I have a private Facebook group. It's called Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca Zung,
which you are very welcome to join. And we'll make sure that we drop a link to that as well. I did a
survey in that group, and it was overwhelming the response that, I think over 86% of you responded
that your cases lasted at least 18 months. Many of you, I think it was 40-something percent,
said that the cases lasted more than three years. And a huge percentage of you said that the cases
were very, very expensive, many times over a hundred thousand dollars in fees.
So for those of you out there who are saying, "All I need is a good lawyer," that is not the case.
Because yes, you do need a good lawyer, but you also need to understand the mind of a narcissist.
And that is that they're out to destroy you because they want to get you before you get them.
They want to make sure that they're right on top of the fact that you're the one that looks bad
and they're the one that looks good because they need to preserve their face. They need to preserve
their standing in the community, or how they look, their reputation, all of that.
And so in order for them, in their minds, to preserve all of that, it can't be equal walking
away. You can't just both look good walking away. You have to look bad. You have to look like the
loser to them. That's the only way they feel that they can survive, that they can preserve
that narcissistic supply that they so desperately need. And if you are so ready to be free of this
crazy toxic stew that narcissists are doing to you, and especially trying to destroy you,
I want to see that This Ends Now in the comments. And so the last reason why narcissists feel
like they have to destroy you is because, again, it goes back to this narcissistic supply idea, and
that is that they feel like if you're not going to be supply to them, then they don't want you to be
supply to anyone. And so it's you got to go down. You've got to go down in every single way, for
every single reason. And so that's why, when you are negotiating with the narcissist, it's really
important to have incredible strategy, super strong leverage, anticipate what the narcissist
is going to do and focus on you and your case. And that's what I teach you in my SLAY program.
That's what SLAY stands for. And L is leverage, and that's really,
really one of the most critical pieces. And if you want to know more about the importance of
leverage when you're negotiating with narcissists, check out my video on that topic. And if you are
negotiating with a narcissist, make sure to grab my free Crush My Negotiation Prep Worksheet.
Every single week in the private Facebook group, we're getting tons of comments of people who have
successfully negotiated using that Crush My Negotiation Prep Worksheet. And it's totally
free. It's 15 pages. It's basically an e-book. And you can get that at winmynegotiation.com.
And as I mentioned, you can join my free private Facebook group. Don't do this alone. Get the
support you need. It is so paralyzing when you're dealing with a narcissist and you're
feeling like no one else understands. And that's why I created that really, really
special group. And I'd love to have you join us in there. If you like this video, give it a like,
share it so that other people can have access to this content, and make sure that you have
commented, and subscribe and hit that notification bell. I'm Rebecca Zung. I'm so glad that you
joined me today on this edition of Negotiate Your Best Life. And I will see you in the next video.