-Good evening. I'm Seth Meyers.
This is "Late Night."
We hope you're doing well tonight
and now, if you don't mind,
we're going to get to the news.
President Biden published an op-ed today
in The New York Times and that man is spiraling.
[ Laughter ]
Fox News host Tucker Carlson last night claimed
that the security camera footage from the Capitol attack
"does not show an insurrection or a riot in progress."
Yeah, okay, but when you cherry-pick
the footage you're showing, you can prove whatever you want.
I could show you footage from "John Wick"
that proves he's not violent. Take a look.
-[ Whining ]
[ Laughter ]
-We'll grab you some kibble later.
[ Tender tune plays ] [ Collar rings against bowl ]
-You're telling me that guy
[ Laughter ] is a trained killer?
Give me a break!
[ Laughter ]
The footage doesn't lie.
After Fox News host Tucker Carlson
aired exclusive security footage from the Capitol attack,
former President Trump posted on Truth Social,
"LET THE JANUARY 6 PRISONERS GO."
You guys know we can see what you're doing, right?
[ Laughter ] Kevin McCarthy, who is Trump's Waylon Smithers,
[ Laughter ] gives all the footage to Tucker;
Tucker shows only the tame parts;
and then Trump claims the rioters were framed.
It's like watching a magic show
where the magician is wearing sheer sleeves.
[ Laughter and applause ]
They do have very nice sheer sleeves on the magician.
[ Laughter ] Didn't know how it was going to look.
I find out with you guys. It's the best way
to do quality control.
[ Laughter ]
In a new episode of her podcast,
former First Lady Michelle Obama said
that she sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes
after leaving the White House
at the end of President Obama's term.
As opposed to her husband, who dealt
with his post-presidency grief more stoically.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Columbia University last week announced they will no longer
require SAT or ACT scores in undergraduate admissions,
while UMass announced that you no longer need
that show-and-tell project.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Massachusetts' own Mike Scollins.
[ Laughter ] In a new interview,
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg
pushed back against critics characterizing him
as being elitist and out of touch
and said his critics,
"wouldn't know their way around a T.J.Maxx
if their life depended on it."
[ Laughter ] But if you're lost inside a T.J.Maxx,
your life does depend on it.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Pete Buttigieg said,
"You think Tucker Carlson knows the difference
between a T.J.Maxx and a Kohl's?"
Actually, he might, because aren't those his sons?
[ As Carlson ] T.J.Maxx, Kohl!
[ Laughter ]
It's time for lacrosse practice. Let's go!
[ Laughter ]
Grocery delivery service Hello Fresh confirmed yesterday
it will stop selling coconut milk from Thailand
over concerns of forced monkey labor.
From now on, they're only going to use union monkeys.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A group of entrepreneurs in Massachusetts
have filed paperwork to open a topless marijuana dispensary,
[ Oohs ] though they might run into some legal issues,
since they're ten.
[ Laughter, ohhs, and applause ]
"Hi, we'd like to file some papers.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, we have an idea for a business.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, can we -- can we put here 'Don't tell our parents'?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, in honor of St. Patrick's Day,
Dairy Queen is offering its new Under the Rainbow Shake,
which features vanilla soft serve
and multicolored sprinkles.
And Arby's is honoring St. Paddy's Day
by driving all the snakes out of the kitchen.
[ Laughter ] And that --
that was a monologue.
We're off and running, everybody.
We got a great show for you tonight.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
He is a dear, dear friend of mine
with many credits -- "The Mindy Project,"
"Neighbors," "The Afterparty," but none of his credits make him
as happy as his new title of Celebrity Jeopardy! Champion.
We'll talk about his hilarious new show,
"History of the World, Part II," but probably not as much
as how he won all of Celebrity Jeopardy!
The very funny Ike Barinholtz is here tonight, everybody.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
She stars in "Scream VI," which is out this week.
We'll be joined by the very talented actress
Melissa Barrera.
[ Cheering and applause ] And she is the legendary author
of "The Handmaid's Tale" and many others.
Her latest...
...is on sale now.
The great Margaret Atwood
is back and joining us.
[ Cheering and applause ] How exciting.
Before we get to all that,
if you've been following the news recently,
you may have seen that movie theater chain AMC plans
to start charging higher prices for better seats in the theater.
You know, hearing things like that always,
well, it gets me to thinking I'm getting older, you guys,
[ Laughter ] and sometimes I don't even understand
the world I'm living in anymore.
[ Southern accent ] Things are changing every day,
and not always for the better.
[ Laughter ]
So, it's time to take a moment
to talk about how things were just a little bit more simple
back in my day.
[ Poignant tune plays ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Back in my day, AMC wasn't charging more for better seats.
Back in my day, if you wanted good seats at the theater,
you could take your pick because the year was 2021
and everyone else was afraid to leave the house.
[ Laughter ]
And if, by some miracle,
there was someone else in the theater that day
and they were sitting where you wanted to sit,
all you had to do was plop down in the seat right next to them
and give a little cough.
[ Laughter ]
Right within striking distance of their popcorn.
Just a little one, like this. [ Coughs ]
Pretty soon, the whole place was yours.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, they weren't selling
Hard Mountain Dew. Sugarfoot!
[ Laughter ] Back in my day,
if you wanted a hard Mountain Dew,
you bought a regular two-liter Mountain Dew bottle,
poured half out, and filled the rest up with Everclear.
[ Laughter ]
It was the only alcohol you had to be 21 and under to drink.
[ Laughter ]
Let's just say, after a couple of hard Mountain Dews,
if you made it back to the bedroom with your best gal,
there would be no Baja Blast.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we weren't banning TikTok.
Back in my day, if you wanted to get people
to stop using a social media platform,
why, you'd just get Elon Musk to buy it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Back in my day, politicians weren't trying
to ban drag shows.
If you didn't want to see men
in stockings and wigs and makeup,
well, then you just stayed the hell away
from the Founding Fathers.
[ Laughter and applause ]
With their big --
[ Cheering ]
They had big old feathers on their pens.
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter ]
Back in my day, newspapers weren't dropping "Dilbert"
because its creator went on a racist rant.
Back in my day, the comics place was an escape,
an innocent place where nothing controversial ever happened.
Well, except for that one time Linus went hard in the paint
and claimed there were micro magnets in the vaccine.
[ Laughter ]
But, hey, he was right about the Great Pumpkin.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we weren't watching
"The Last of Us" on HBO. Cable sauce!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, if we were watching HBO,
it was a little show called "Real Sex."
[ Laughter and applause ] Now, the sex was weird and everybody was ugly,
but before the Internet,
that was your best option, if you wanted to see a boob.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You think the "Last of Us" folks have it bad,
try cranking it to a group of 80-year-olds learning
to have a 30-day orgasm.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Come to think about it, I think that episode
was called "The Blast of Us."
[ Laughter ]
I feel like you're purposely not making eye contact with me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Back in my day, California wasn't being hit
with 6.5 feet of snow.
If you wanted to see 6.5 feet of white powder in California,
you had to visit Charlie Sheen
on the set of "Two and a Half Men."
[ Cheering ] -[ Barks ]
-Yeah, that's right.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, I'm winning.
Back in my day, trains full of toxic chemicals
weren't constantly derailing in Ohio.
Back in my day, if you wanted to see something
go off the rails and cause a toxic environment,
you had to visit Charlie Sheen on the set
of "Two and a Half Men." -[ Barks ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Diminishing returns, you say?
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, 1,000 British people
weren't breaking the Guinness World Record
for most people crocheting simultaneously.
No, If you want to see that many hookers,
you had to visit Charlie Sheen [ Mumbling ]
[ Laughter and applause ] -[ Growling ]
-Alright, alright.
[ Cheering ] I'll let it go.
Relax! [ Laughter ]
It's called the rule of threes.
Twenty-one, for you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Back in my day, guests at art fairs
weren't breaking Jeff Koons' balloon animal statues.
Van Gogh [bleep] yourself!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, if you wanted to destroy a balloon,
you had to get a U.S. fighter jet
to fire a heat-seeking missile at it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Why, I still remember those days,
way back in February 2023.
[ Laughter ]
You felt proud to be an American,
shooting those balloons out of the sky.
[ Laughter and cheering ]
Even though, even now, you don't really understand
what was going on. First, there was just
the one balloon, then there were like six,
then maybe it turned out some of those weren't real.
There were like multiple press conferences, I think.
In any case, it's over now. Or it's not.
[ Laughter and applause ]
For as much as we talked about it,
I feel like I should know a few more details.
[ Laughter ]
News just move so fast, these days, Rusty.
[ Laughter ]
Look. at. me!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Back in my day, streaming services
weren't pulling all their shows.
NBC was.
[ Laughter ] Did you know we once had a show
on this network called "Animal Practice"
and it starred an actual monkey? [ Laughter ]
I think it was canceled mid-episode.
Meanwhile, I tried to get an actual dog on this show,
aka the easiest animal to get on Earth...
[ Laughter ]
...and the brass was like, "How about a stuffed dog
that's made of a material you're definitely allergic to?"
[ Laughter and applause ] -[ Barks ]
-No, oh, no.
This was a -- a different thing, Rusty.
You're a real dog.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Bing didn't have a chat box.
Well, who knows? Maybe they did.
No one ever used it to find out.
[ Laughter ]
All I know is that, back then, if you said the words
chatbot by Bing, somebody in a bar might respond
with a bing bop howdy bow
[ Laughter ] and then you'd reply with a
chitty chitty bebop shoo bop bow
and then they'd hit you back with a
skiddly doo skiddly doo skiddly doo dop wham
and then the bartender, he'd chase you both out with a broom,
shouting, "I told you freaky jazz nuts,
there's no scat singing in this here establishment.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Go bing your chatty ding dong somewhere else!"
[ Laughter ]
Simpler times. Well,
I apologize that I had to do that,
but sometimes this grumpy old Gus has to...
oh, yeah, you know what I'm drinking.
[ Laughter and applause ]
...get his gripe on.
This has been "Back in My Day."