- Relationships in pop culture, especially romantic ones,
tend to be idealized, so because of that,
it often sets us up for unrealistic expectations.
Unfortunately.
Hi, my name is Omar Torres.
I'm a licensed clinical social worker in New York
and today we're gonna be talking about
some of the most influential romances in TV and movies
and how they impact relationships today.
- Ross, you had sex with another woman.
- I thought we were broken up. - We were on a break.
- That for all I knew could last forever.
That to me is a break-up.
- In their relationship, they broke up
and got together a lot.
- [Rachel] Miss, isn't there any way that you can just
let me off the-- (machine beeps)
- No, no!
Oh my God, did she get off the plane?
Did she get off the plane?
(tape rewinding)
- [Rachel] I got off the plane.
- You really wanna make sure that anytime you get
back together with an ex, if that's what you decide,
that it feels like a brand new relationship.
The last thing you wanna do is bring baggage from
round one, round two, round three into
the current relationship.
I think that's gonna set the both of you up
for conflict and not healthy conflict.
- I'm flying.
Jack. - Jack and Rose.
It is the quintessential you meet someone
and it's like a life-changing, life-altering love.
And it's a young love and it doesn't get the time
that you wish it did get to flourish.
Not all love is meant to stick around all that long,
to be honest with you, and that's okay.
As long as there's something that you can take away from it,
it's still really, really significant and sometimes,
one of the greatest things that you can do
for a loved one is to let them go.
Which is sort of how I interpret this scene.
She had to let him go literally,
otherwise she would have died.
So hopefully that's not the case in your relationship,
but sometimes the best thing that you can do
for your beloved, for yourself, for the relationship,
is to say goodbye.
- Look, I don't care if you don't wanna talk to me
or not but please get up and fix my breakfast.
I need my strength!
Lucy, you gonna fix my breakfast or not?
What you want me to do, starve to death?
- Would you, please?
- So here we see a pretty explicit example
of gender roles with Ricardo, essentially demanding
that Lucy make him breakfast when he is up and dressed,
so you know he can make the breakfast himself.
But these were a sign of the times, so you know.
One thing that I find really interesting
is Lucy's silent treatment.
One of the questions that I'll ask someone
when I notice them shut down is
what is the silence communicating?
And in that moment, Lucy might say, I'm angry.
And then I would have Ricky acknowledge and affirm
the fact that she's angry and pissed off
and to talk about like what can I do to help make a repair?
Some people really do need a cool-down period,
and that may have been what Lucy needed,
which is also perfectly healthy.
However, Lucy would have to communicate that need to Ricky.
- God damn it! - He's a dog.
What's he supposed to do,
with all your (bleep) lying around here?
- My (bleep) wouldn't be lying around if we weren't
making room because your (bleep) is lying around.
- You got more (bleep) lying around than I got lying around.
- What?
- So that's one of my favorite scenes (chuckles)
from that show because it talks about
how do two people join together and how do you negotiate
the space that a relationship takes up in your life?
What's important to realize in relationships
is that this is all a process.
This isn't something that happens overnight,
and that negotiations and the re-zoning of boundaries
is something that again, is like a puzzle piece.
It's not something that you necessarily
figure out right away.
- Don't you ever just shut up?
- I'm gonna take a walk.
- The fact that at some point they knew this argument
needed to stop, because it was only escalating,
is like muah, music to my ears.
(honks horn)
- Sorry.
- So one of the things that I love about Harry Met Sally
is that it's one of the few rom-coms of its time
where the two protagonists meet and develop a friendship
over decades before they ever get together,
and one of the things that patients talk about
in terms of needing someone is that like,
lightning strike, choir singing, fireworks,
like I know this is the one.
Oftentimes relationships are a slow burn.
Usually you meet someone and you simply ask yourself,
do I wanna see them one more time?
And if the answer is yes, you see them one more time,
and then you ask that question again, and eventually,
you ask that question over months
and you find yourself saying, oh, yeah,
like I'm in a relationship with this person
and I wanna build a life with them.
And oftentimes, that's how it works,
and that's totally fine too.
It's something that grows and develops over time.
- What I'm saying is, and this is not a come-on
in any way, shape or form, is that men and women
can't be friends because the sex part
always gets in the way.
- Of course, they can be friends.
I think what's important for the two individuals
is to suss out friendship feelings and romantic feelings.
- I was just afraid if you saw
the kind of people I came from,
you wouldn't wanna be anywhere near me.
- See, that's where you're a dummy.
I think about what you grew up with,
and I look at what you are.
It makes me proud.
- The reason why I particularly love this scene
and this relationship is that Tara gives voice
to something that I think a lot of us have going on
in the back of our heads which is,
if I show you the worst parts of me,
will you still love me?
I love Willow's response.
Instead of saying, "How could you think that?
"You know I love you."
She says, "Listen, knowing where you're from
"makes me all the more proud of who you've become."
And what a great way of saying I accept all of you.
I accept the parts of you that you don't like.
I accept the parts of you that you're not thrilled with,
because relationships aren't a la carte.
I'm gonna choose this, I'm gonna like this,
and the rest I don't really want.
We're all super, super complicated.
We all come from histories that sometimes we're not
super proud of and finding that person that says,
"Hey, tell me everything there is to know about you.
"Tell me about you, and I'll be here,"
is one of the most important messages that you can share
in a romantic, in any relationship actually.
Ultimately, we all wanna feel loved.
We all wanna feel connected and don't be afraid of
your epic love story maybe being a unique one.
(soft music)