Romeo and Juliet, a la Shmoop Romeo: Every couple has that special story
about how they met.
My friends met their girls at the usual places, the tavern, the faire, or on ye olde internet.
My story's super romantic, though.
I was crashing the Capulet's party so I could get with this chick Rosaline ,
who was totally freezing me out.
I had to wear a mask to sneak inside, because Montagues and Capulets get along about as
well as forks and toasters.
And then, I saw her.
No, not whats-her-name, a new girl!
A perfect girl… the type who makes you think of jewels, doves, suns, angels, and...’scuse
me, I have to go write some of this down.
Juliet: I knew it was going to be a rotten day.
Mom barged into my room with the bright and cheery news that she wanted me to marry a
guy named Paris.
Paris?
Seriously?
And of course, Miami…
oh, sorry, Paris...was going to be at the party that night to meet me.
Awkward!
But I said, whatever, I guess I could control my gag reflex long enough to meet the guy.
You never know, he could look like Channing Tatum!
Turns out, the party wasn’t so bad, after all.
There was a dashing masked stranger who was checking me out all night.
…
It was kind of awesome.
Hope he's not a serial killer.
Romeo: Anyway, this chick was seriously smokin’.
So I popped a breath mint and walked over, and ran right into Tybalt<>, a Capulet
with a short fuse and long hatred for yours truly.
Good thing his uncle broke up the fight…I’m a lover, not a fighter!
At least I hit it off with the girl.
She was totally into me.
But how do I tell my dad I’m dating a Capulet?
Maybe I should wait until after he buys me that car.
Juliet: So the hottie in the mask turned out to be a Montague.
Gross!
But he’s such a fox.
And the mortal enemy thing just makes him seem like more of a bad boy.
That night I was talking to myself on my balcony…
what, like you've never done that?...
and he was there listening to me!
I felt so violated that I only kissed him, like, thirty-four times.
And pledged my undying love to him.
And agreed to marry him.
So yeah, it’s pretty serious.
Romeo: Somebody call the book of world records, cuz I'm the first guy in my middle school
to get hitched!
Jealous?
Yeah, I guess things happened a little fast.
My buddy the priest was all, “Whatever happened to Rosaline?”
And I was like, "That’s old news, padre, it's Juliet now!
We had our first date and now I want to make it official!"
And he was totally cool with it!
Something about settling age old feuds.
Anyway, it was a quiet ceremony, no friends, no family …
…and then I went off to hang with my boys until the wedding night.
I’ve waited my whole life to marry this girl!
Or, like, two days!
Juliet: So, yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster.
My cousin Tybalt got a little overexcited and stabbed Romeo's best friend, Mercutio.
Then Romeo killed my cousin Tybalt, and got himself banished.
Men!
My nurse and Friar Laurence managed to sneak Romeo into my room for a little rated R action,
but he had to bail in the morning so my parents wouldn’t kill him.
Then Mom busted in, before I'd even had my coffee, and announced that I was going to
marry Paris.
As if!
I told her where to stick it, and she and dad got super mad at me.
But Romeo's priest friend came up with this genius plan to keep Romeo and me together!
First, I take a sedative.
Then, my family thinks I'm dead and buries me.
Finally, Romeo comes to pick me up and we live happily ever after.
What could go wrong?
Romeo: Talk about buzzkills…I got back from banishment, and Juliet was dead!
I found a shopkeeper willing to sell poison to a distraught teenager, and ran off to end
it all in Juliet's tomb.
I made out with her a little, for old time's sake, and took the poison.
Wouldn’t you know it, right before I croaked, Juliet sat up and said, "Wait, didn't you
get my text?"
She looked pretty stressed about the whole thing...I hope she didn't do something rash
like stab herself with my dagger.
I knew I should have changed my phone carrier...