Hey, it's Annemarie with Speak Confident English.
This is exactly where you want to be every week to get the confidence you want
for your life and work in English. Back in 2016,
more than four years ago, I received an email from one of my students.
She was feeling frustrated and discouraged because that day one of her coworkers
said you don't sound very friendly in English.
That comment was shocking to my student because she
felt that she was always polite, kind,
and friendly in English, especially at work. In her email,
she said that she was desperate to understand what she was doing wrong
and how she could change it. At that time,
I immediately created lessons to help my student so that we could understand
what was going on, what was happening in the language she was using at work.
And what is the difference in English between direct,
assertive or aggressive language and indirect,
soft or diplomatic language. In some languages,
these differences in politeness or formality are easier to
recognize and use.
You might have an informal and formal version of the word you
making it easier to distinguish the level of formality and politeness.
Some languages also use different word endings. Unfortunately,
English isn't so clear cut,
but we do have a number of strategies we can use different changes we can make
to our language, to soften it, make it kind polite and formal.
Since I received that first email in January, 2016,
I've continued to get emails from students and requests here on YouTube with
questions like how can I be more polite in difficult
conversations?
How can I show that I'm friendly and interested in other people in English?
My coworker said that I sound aggressive when I speak, what can I do?
In this video today I'm updating a lesson that I originally did in 2016
Now, before I get started with today's lesson,
there are two things I want you to know. Number one,
there are times when it is perfectly appropriate and even necessary to
be more assertive or direct in English.
And it's possible to be assertive or direct and still be
polite.
I have a full lesson on this topic of how to be assertive and polite in English.
I'll share a link to that lesson in the notes below this video.
The second thing I want you to remember is that language is flexible.
We change our language depending on the situation who we're talking to,
and maybe even how we're feeling that day.
Also some of us are naturally more direct or indirect.
All of that is okay.
My goal in this lesson today is to give you strategies that allow you to be
flexible in English.
What that means is you can choose what you want to say in English and how you
want to say it to best express yourself with that.
Let's go ahead and get started with our first of four strategies for kind
polite English strategy. Number one is use modals.
Modals are words like could, should, might and would.
It seems surprising and simple,
but using modals can change a direct order or an aggressive question
into a polite request,
modals soften our language and they increase the level of formality
or politeness.
If your native language has formal and informal versions of the word
you,
making those changes between those words is a clear signal of formality and
politeness changing a sentence or a question.
Using modals does the same thing.
If I'm at a coffee shop with my husband, my sister, or my best friend,
I might say order me a latte. It's a clear, direct order.
It's not necessarily rude,
but I don't need to be so polite or formal with my husband or my sister.
But let's imagine that I've started a new job.
And I go out for coffee with my new coworkers who I don't know very well
in that situation. I might not want to be so casual.
I don't want to give a direct order. It's too familiar. Instead,
I might want to increase the level of formality and politeness by using a modal
and asking, would you get me a coffee, please?
That little change between order me a coffee and would you order me
a coffee please immediately softens language and makes it more polite.
Let's go over one more example that's very common at work.
Those situations when you're waiting for a coworker to send you some
information, you could send an email to your coworker that says,
send me the documents by the end of the day. Just like that example,
order me a coffee. If someone says, send me those documents
by the end of the day, it is clear, concise, and direct,
and that isn't necessarily wrong or inappropriate.
There are definitely times when we need to be direct.
If you're a supervisor and you've already asked for these documents three times
today,
then it's perfectly appropriate to be more assertive and direct in your request.
But if you want to change that order into a polite request,
we can add a modal could. Could
you send me those documents by the end of the day? Before I go onto strategy.
number two, if you want more examples like this,
of how to use modals to soften your language.
I have those available for you in the online lesson at my Speak Confident
English website. You can get a link to that lesson just below this video.
Now let's move on to strategy. Number two for kind polite language in English.
And this one is change your grammar,
just like using a modal,
a simple change of your grammar tense can have an immediate impact on how direct
or indirect your languages in English.
The present simple tense can sometimes sound direct.
So to be more indirect,
we'll change the grammar into the progressive form,
the ING form or the past tense. We do this,
especially with words like hope, feel, think, want,
and wonder.
Let me give you a couple of examples in an email or telephone conversation
I could ask my colleague, do you have time to meet tomorrow?
That question is perfectly appropriate.
If I want my message to be very direct and clear,
or if it's a casual situation,
maybe this is someone I'm very comfortable with and it's okay to be less formal
with my language.
But if I want to increase that level of formality,
if I want to show an extra layer of politeness or be more
indirect,
then I can use either the progressive form or the past tense.
And I can add one of those words, like wonder,
I was wondering if you had time to meet today.
I wondered if you had time to meet today.
That shift from the present simple into the past or progressive
form immediately changes that level of politeness and formality.
Another situation where I might use this more polite form is if I know
my coworker is particularly busy,
maybe she has a deadline at the end of the day.
And I know that she does not have a lot of time.
Then I might ask in a more polite,
indirect way because I know my request is going to add one
more thing to her to do list.
The second example is one I often use,
when I'm meeting people for the very first time,
let's say that you are attending an international conference.
You meet someone and have a fantastic conversation about the presentation you
just saw,
but you didn't quite catch the person's name
before you finish that conversation. You could say something like,
what's your name again?
Or you could increase the level of politeness and formality by saying,
what did you say your name was? What's your name again?
What did you say your name was? Once again,
that little change in grammar tense has an immediate impact on that level of
formality and politeness strategy.
Number three for kind polite language in English is to use vague
language.
Vague means not too specific or too direct to do this.
We use little expressions, like a little, a bit,
not quite kind of around and slightly.
For example,
if someone misunderstands me in a conversation I could respond with,
that's not what I said. That is a clear, direct response.
And again, perfectly appropriate.
In some situations I would definitely use that response.
If I'm chatting with someone I know very well and feel comfortable with,
but if I want to increase that level of politeness and formality,
I would change my response to that's not quite what I
said. That's not what I said.
That's not quite what I said.
That little change has an immediate impact on that politeness and
formality. Another example,
let's say that you're partnering with a marketing agency.
Maybe your company is updating your brand and logo.
This marketing agency brings you their very first draft.
And as you're reviewing it, you think this is not what I want,
or this is not what I was thinking. Again,
you could respond with that and be very direct or clear,
or you can soften it by saying that's not exactly what I had in
mind before I move on to our final strategy today,
if you want more examples of how to use that qualifying language
with words like a bit kind of, and so on,
I have many more examples for you available in my online lesson. Again,
I'll leave a link to that lesson below this video in the notes,
and now strategy number four for a kind polite language in English is to
use negative questions that might be
counterintuitive,
but using a negative question is a great way to be more diplomatic.
When you're giving advice, offering a suggestion,
making a recommendation or expressing your opinion.
Let me give you two quick examples.
If you're in a team meeting discussing the final draft of a product,
you could say,
we need to review these documents one more time with direct, clear,
assertive language. Or you could say,
don't you think we should review these documents one more time?
In that second example, I'm shifting a negative question.
Don't you think we need to review these again?
Don't you think we should review these again?
Do you notice I'm also using a modal should both of these
responses are perfectly appropriate. There is a time and a place for both,
but this second example allows you to soften your language and be a bit more
diplomatic. In the second example,
let's say that you and your team are trying to solve a budgeting problem,
and you have a possible solution. You could say,
we need to cut our marketing budget or shouldn't we cut our marketing
budget. Instead of being a direct, clear order,
we need to cut the marketing budget.
It becomes a polite suggestion or recommendation,
like everything we've talked about today,
both of those responses can be perfectly appropriate depending on the situation
you're in and how you want to express yourself. Like I said,
at the beginning of the video today,
I want to help you be more flexible in the language to help you have options
and the ability to choose what you want to say and how you want to say
it, depending on the situation you're in. Before we finish today,
I have two challenge questions for you.
I want you to immediately try to practice some of what you've learned today.
Challenge question.
Number one is you have a meeting scheduled with your boss tomorrow,
but something came up and you need to request changing the time of that meeting.
How would you do that in an email or a telephone call?
What language could you use from today's lesson for a polite formal
request challenge?
Number two is you're in a meeting with a potential new client during your
conversation.
This potential client says something that you didn't quite understand,
and you want them to repeat it. So how would you ask that in a formal,
polite way?
You can share your answers with me in the comment section below and while you're
there,
I recommend reading the comments or answers from others in the Confident English
community.
It's a great way for you to see how many options are available when we use
these different strategies for polite kind language in English.
With that. If you found this lesson useful to you, I would love to know.
And you can tell me by giving this video a thumbs up here on YouTube and
subscribing to this channel.
So you never miss one of my Confident English lessons.
If you have a friend or colleague who would also love help with more formal,
polite language in English,
you can share this lesson with them by sharing it on Facebook or sending it
directly by email. Thank you so much for joining me today.
And I look forward to seeing you next time for your Confident English lesson.