- Is that a boa?
- Yeah, it is.
- When I was a kid, I had a boa that was like, 20-feet long.
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Yeah, BHB, is that you?
- This is Beth. Can I help you?
- I have a real big problem here.
I got my snake and he's not eating.
- The snake you just got five minutes ago?
- Yeah, four minutes, 30 seconds.
I've been counting every one.
- Well, sometimes it takes them a little bit of time-
- Time?
How much longer can I wait?
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Hey, Noah, I'm gonna go to the store
and get some crickets.
Do you need anything?
- No, I'm pretty good.
You're just getting crickets?
- Just crickets.
I'll be back. - Cool.
- [Mike] Check these out.
- What, what are those?
- They're ball pythons.
- Where are the crickets?
- Oh, crap.
- You forgot the thing I need to feed the frogs.
- I'll be right back?
- I can't trust you.
- I'll be back.
- Don't bring anymore snakes back.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Hey, I heard that you're a ball python expert?
- I mean, I know a little bit about ball pythons.
- So I wonder if you could tell me what morph this is?
- The normal you have?
- No, no, it's definitely not a normal.
Look at that.
- That's just a dot.
That's a normal dot that-
- No, but look at the pattern right here.
There's gotta be Mojave in this.
- No, that's, really, it's a normal ball python.
- Look at the belly.
There's no way.
You're no expert.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
All right, bro, listen.
My snake, he's so connected with me,
he just will come right when I call him.
- There's no way.
Snakes aren't that smart. - What, I'm gonna just...
Just let me show you.
Snazz.
(hands clapping)
Come here, Snazz.
Just give him a second.
Give him a second.
Snazzy.
Snazz.
It normally works.
I think he's just a little nervous 'cause of you.
Snazz.
(hands clapping)
- Is he even alive?
Is he okay?
He doesn't look- - He does it, he does it.
Snazz.
Come on, Snazzy.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- There's Brian.
- What's up, man?
- I'm gonna go to a reptile show.
Do you wanna come with?
- No, I have too much work to do here.
What'll you get?
- I don't plan on getting anything.
I just wanna go look.
- That's probably smart.
You don't really need anything else.
After that trip to Pet Smart the other day,
yeah, you probably wanna just not get anything, so.
All right, well, have fun.
- Okay, thanks.
Hey, what's up, Mr. Brian?
- Hey, how was the reptile...
What did you do?
- I may have made a couple of purchases.
- Yeah, a couple mistakes.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Oh, man, you see that, Mike?
- [Mike] He's looking real hungry.
- How about we go to the store
and buy a couple rodents.
Different colors. - Different colors.
Exactly on the same page.
- And bet on which one gets eaten first, brother.
- Don't be that guy.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Noah, Noah, Noah, look what I got.
- What are you gonna do with an alligator, man?
- What do you mean, what am I gonna do with it?
- That thing's gonna get huge.
- It's only gonna get as big as the tank that you put it in.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Wanna check this snake out?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm terrified of snakes.
- Why are you terrified of snakes?
- I was bitten by a copperhead when I was young.
- But you grew up in Alaska.
- Don't you know Alaska's the biggest copper mine in the-
- Copperhead, not copper mine.
- You never heard of the dreaded Alaskan copperhead?
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Check out Helen.
- Get that thing away from me, man.
- What, I love snakes.
- When I was young, my brother threw a snake on me.
(dreamy music)
(Noah screaming)
(Jay laughing)
I don't know how I'm ever emotionally
gonna recover from this.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- What the heck are you guys doing?
- Look at this amazing cage.
- What did you build a cage for?
- Look at this.
You're never gonna believe this.
I got this ball python.
And so we wanted to give it an adequate home.
So we built a 10 by 5 by 3 deep enclosure. (chuckles)
- For a baby ball python? - Yeah.
- Well, it's gonna be an adult one day.
- And by the way, Mike,
you do know that's a screw, right?
- Yeah, that's why- - You don't hammer a screw in.
- [Jay] Here, Mike, you forgot the screwdriver.
- Oh.
- A ball Python in this size enclosure
is never gonna do well.
It's gonna get lost and never eat.
You do realize that, right?
- [Mike] Well, he's not gonna get lost.
I mean, we can see him.
- We sealed the walls.
- [Jay] We're professionals.
- [Mike] Is this how you do this, by the way?
- That ball python will not thrive
in a 10-foot by 5-foot cage.
- [Noah and Jay] By 3-foot.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Oh, look at this.
Look at what I just got from Pet Smart.
- I thought you said you were broke.
- I am.
I'm actually in debt now.
- I mean, do you have an enclosure for it
or anything like that?
- I figured it would just free roam
until I build up enough money to buy a cage.
- That's really smart.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Look at this cool new snake I got.
- That thing is awesome, man.
- I know, right?
But I got a question.
I don't really got a cage for it,
but do you think it's okay
if I throw it in with my ball python?
- No, you don't wanna put that in with your ball python.
- It's a really big cage that my ball python's in.
- I know, but you don't wanna mix different species together
'cause it could be bad for them
- But it's a big, big cage.
They have plenty of space to hide
and get away from each other.
- I realize that,
but don't want different species in the same cage.
It's not good.
- I'm probably just gonna try it.
- I figured.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Noah, what are you doing?
You've been on your phone all day.
- Check this out, bro.
I'm getting a new cobra tomorrow. (laughs)
- A cobra?
- A king, dude.
Look at that thing.
He got a little hood and the frickin'...
Whoop, whoop, man.
- The thing's got a hood.
You think that's safe? - Yeah, man, I've been-
- You don't have experience with venomous.
- I been keeping ball pythons for 15 years, man.
I mean, look at that, though.
See the little eyes and the hood.
- Ball pythons don't kill you
when they bite you. - I like the little hood.
- It's the second-largest yield
of venomous snake on the planet.
- Mmhmm, sounds about right.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- It's a big snake, isn't it?
- I wouldn't call it big.
- Big.
We've seen bigger.
- We literally just saw a snake
that was bigger than the entire road.
- Couldn't even see his head on the other side.
(static scratching)
- Oh my, do you see that? - What is that?
What is that? - I've heard about
this before. - Dude, no way.
We can't do it.
- No one's ever gonna believe us.
- Wait, don't get too close.
(orchestral music)
No way, look at this thing.
- Is that a 54-footer?
Are you kidding me? - Don't get too close.
- What? - Back up.
- We gotta call the 911, dude.
(static scratching)
So with that in mind, that's not very big at all, actually.
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Look how cute this little albino red-eared slider is.
- You know, when I was a kid, we were down south,
I saw a snapping turtle bigger than a Volkswagen.
- A Volkswagen?
- A VW?
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- What's up, bro?
Oh, you a got new snake? - Yeah, man.
- Dude, where you'd get the woma?
- I rescued it from Pet Smart.
- Rescued?
- Did you get it for free?
- Yeah, $200.
I rescued it.
- So you didn't.
- You paid full price.
- Well, it was stuck in the cage
and it had a price tag on the outside.
- Do you have its cage now?
- Well, it's just a free-roam right now.
I'm actually in debt.
- So it's stuck out of the cage.
- Doesn't even have a cage, so it's free, I rescued it.
- But you still paid for it. - But you paid $200 for it.
- Think of it as bail.
I gave them $200, they gave me the snake.
Boom, free, rescued.
- Noah, this makes no sense.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- I tell you what, guys, Snazz is getting so big.
- Look at this thing, it's...
I mean, when I was a kid, my dad had a 30-foot snake.
- 30 foot.
We'd all hold him.
- We'd all hold him while we're eating.
- Boys, fellas, sons, you there?
- Dad. - Dad.
Why do you have to bring
the 30-foot snake to dinner every day?
- Yeah, we don't wanna eat dinner with him all the time.
- I don't even have my plate anymore.
Knock it off.
- I think I got the salmonella's.
- We didn't even have salmon today.
(static scratching)
(laughs) Oh, god.
(Mike laughing)
Dude, that's not even funny.
(Jay groaning)
(Mike laughing)
What did you guys do?
- Noah, literally just stopped.
Noah just walks like we aren't full of boxes around.
Noah's trying to kill me. (Mike laughs)
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- You know, Noah, I'm done.
I think I'm gonna...
I'm not buying any more snakes.
- Smart.
You have a lot of 'em, you don't really need any more.
- I know, just way too many.
Literally, I'm done, that's it.
I'm done. (echoing)
- Hey, guys, UPS is here.
- Sweet.
Awesome.
Been waiting for these guys.
- What the heck is that?
I thought you said you were done?
- Well, these are just...
It's the last time.
I'm not buying any more after this.
- That's it, I'm calling the hotline.
(Brian laughs)
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- I'm super excited.
I'm gonna breed this to my other normal ball python.
I can't wait to see the crazy morphs I get.
- But I actually told you that this is a normal ball python.
- Yeah, but I'm gonna breed it
to another normal ball python
so I'm gonna get cool morphs.
- Not when you breed two normals, you can't get cool morphs.
- But look at these dots right here.
- I know, you showed them to me before.
It's normal.
By breeding too normals, you just get normal.
- Absolutely not.
Look at the pattern on this snake.
- Good luck.
- And you call yourself an expert.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
When I was a kid, my dad used to have a ball python.
- Really, what happened to it?
- My parents made me get rid of it.
- We have a kid now.
We can't have a snake anymore.
It's gonna eat him.
- What do you mean, it's gonna to eat him?
Look at him, he loves it.
- The snake has to go.
- Why?
Jay loves him.
Don't you, Jay?
You're gonna take it away from our creation.
Just you and I.
♪ Arms of the angel ♪
(static scratching)
- There's no way that happened.
- It's true, I lived it.
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Hi, baby, how are you today?
You're so pretty.
Hi, honey.
I know.
Excited for our big day?
Oh, look at you.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Hey, honey,
I got us a little something for our anniversary.
- It doesn't have eyes.
- It doesn't need eyes to see how much I love you.
- I might have made a mistake.
- What's that supposed to mean?
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- [Mike] Is that a green anaconda?
- Yeah, it's a green anaconda.
Her name is Ivy.
- Why is she in a cage this small?
- Well, it's like a 12-foot cage.
What are you talking about?
- They live in the Amazon River, they need lots of space.
- Well, I know that,
but in the Amazon they're probably only living
in an area about this size.
- The Amazon's huge.
- Well, the Amazon's huge,
but the snake isn't gonna be moving
through the whole Amazon.
- I mean, look, the humidity's wrong.
Where's your hydrometer?
- Hydrometer?
- You know, the thing that reads the humidity.
There's like, no lighting in this cage.
It's kind of dark.
- UVB lighting.
There's basking lights.
- What about the waterfall?
Do you know how loud that is?
How can they live in that cage when it's that loud?
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
I've been keeping reptiles for three months.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- What are you up to today?
- I've rescued about four different animals.
- Today? - Four, yeah.
- From where?
- Got a sulcata tortoise from, uh, Petco, $40.
Brazilian black rainbow boa.
Never even heard of it, really,
so I had to rescue that one.
- Rescue?
- That was from, uh, this dog grooming place.
Two leopard geckos from Craigslist.
Rescued them from a man
who was very immature. - Okay, hold on, hold on.
How are you gonna take care of all this?
- Well, I haven't got that far yet,
but I got 'em away from those bad, bad owners.
- So do you have enclosures for them?
(Noah groaning)
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Oh, really, you keep snakes?
- Yeah.
- What are you, a devil worshiper?
(angry rock music)
(upbeat jazzy music)
Just ordered my new snake from BHB.
Hi, uh, I just ordered a snake off y'all's website
and it is not here yet.
- [Receptionist] When did you place your order?
- Uh, about 30 seconds ago.
- [Receptionist] Yeah,
unfortunately I can't ship and deliver with just 30 seconds.
- Well, this is just some baloney.
I want it here in the next 12 minutes.
- [Receptionist] 12 minutes?
I'm sorry I can't accommodate this.
It's gonna take overnight shipping.
- Oh, overnight?
That's like 12 or 24 hours from now.
This is some BS.
(phone beeps)
- This is BHB Reptiles calling you back.
We got disconnected somehow.
- BS.
(phone beeps)
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Brian, I just wondering if I could have like, 30 bucks?
- What for?
- I'm trying to buy another snake.
- No, sorry, I can't help you, man.
- Mike, I was just wondering if I could get like, 20 bucks?
- For what?
- I'm trying to buy another snake, man.
- I don't have 20 bucks I can give you.
- Jaylen.
Jaylen, Jaylen.
Hey, Jaylen,
I was wondering if I get like, 30 bucks?
- Mm, no.
- I really need this snake.
- I don't have 30 bucks.
- Useless.
TJ, can I have 30 bucks?
(dial-up internet bleeping)
Please, can I get 30 bucks?
- Yeah, man, no problem.
What's it for?
- I'm just buying another snake.
- Another snake?
That's your third one this week, man.
- That's okay.
Four.
- I got a couple coupons. - Coupons.
- Found this cool little like, black hole thing.
- [Jay] Oh, I'll take that.
- And, uh, my last dollar.
- Look at you, giving me cash that I need.
Thank you so much, Noah.
- No worries, man.
Feels good to help out.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
Look at that.
- We need to have a talk. - Huh?
- It's either me or the snakes.
- That's such a hard decision.
Nope. (chuckles)
That's a yes.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Mike, did you know that anacondas
literally can hold their breath for like, 45 minutes?
- No, no, no, that's not true.
I read an article once.
It was only 10 minutes.
- No, we literally saw it with our own eyes for 45 minutes.
- What, you calling me a liar?
- No, I'm not calling you- - You calling me a liar?
- No, I'm not calling you a liar.
- Well, it sounds it.
I read an article.
An article, I read it.
10 minutes.
- Well, where's that article?
I mean, why, is the article more than what we saw?
- What, you think the New York folks is gonna lie to me?
- Fake news?
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Mr. Brian, would you take a look at this?
How come his tongue's going so fast?
I don't like that.
- Well, no, they do that.
He's just smelling, that's normal.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, Mr. Brian? - What's up?
- Why is my snake grabbing me with his tail?
That's not what they're supposed to do.
- No, they do.
He's just hanging on like an anchor.
That's just his way of feeling comfortable.
- Oh, okay.
Mr. Brian, why is my snake so shiny?
He's not supposed to be shiny.
- No, they are shiny.
That's why people think that they're wet.
That's just the way their scales are.
- I'm just so worried about it.
- Don't worry.
Your snake's gonna be fine.
- Okay.
Mr. Brian, Mr. Brian.
What's that slit in the back of his tail?
- That's his vent.
That's where they go to the bathroom.
- That's where she poops out the eggs?
- Well, if it's a female, but this is a male.
- Oh, okay.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Retics are the longest snake in the world.
No, they are not.
Idiot.
Dot, dot, dot, dot, exclamation point.
I read an article.
Just your everyday hognose.
That's not a hognose, that's a western diamondback.
Moron.
Hey, hey, read about it.
Link below in the article.
This is an insurance scam?
No, that's a ball python.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Boop.
Boop.
(Jay screams)
Boop.
Double boop.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
Just getting some chips.
Okay.
Mike, what are you doing here?
Did you wanna get some ice cream or something?
- Of course.
Oh, are you buying?
Oh, that one's broken.
- Just one, just one.
- He's limiting me?
- He's big. - Yeah, I know.
- You look so used to it.
(people cheering)
- Boo, boo, boo, boo.
- All right, Sally, you ready?
Oh, yeah, it does.
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- And he could attract a lot with its smell.
- An orange head. - Yeah.
- Actual orange?
- [Noah] Let me have a bite.
(traffic humming)
(upbeat jazzy music continues)
- Snazzy, you okay?
♪ Best day ever ♪
Everything that the sun touches is yours.
- (laughs) I'm sorry.
- Mike, can you get this one?
- God dang it, you just had your keys in your hand.
- Just for filming.
- I actually (beeps) might sneeze.
- You can't put that in there. (chuckles)
Can you take the animals back? (laughs)
- [Everyone] Yeah.
- You never heard of the dreaded Alaskan...
Cut, one more take.
- [Production Staff] Three, two.
- You never heard of the-
- That was the perfect blooper right there,
'cause, literally, he missed it
and says, "One more take," still in character.
- [Noah] Wow, damn, you ever seen a sloth penis?
- No.
- Look at that poop. - Mike. (laughs)
Mike, that is all you, man.
- Look at that turtle. - What are we doing?
- Guys, come in, damn. (everyone laughing)
- [Noah] Hey, Mike, we're gonna need to go that way.
- [Mike] Oh, man.
- That's that ogre dear diamondback.
(everyone laughs) - Yeah, man.
He thought it was a real snake. (chuckles)
- [Noah] You're on slow-mo.
- That was so hard. (chuckles)
- Think of it as bail.
- (chuckles) That was good.
- (laughs) That was good.
(Mike and Jay laughing)
- How much I love you.
(Mike laughing)
Did you see her face when I said that?
- I could hear you laughing in the background. (laughs)
(everyone laughing)
- Can you like, superimpose Tinder on it or we kind of-
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Superimpose it.
(everyone laughing)
- [Brian] Hope you guys enjoyed today's video.
If you did, there's a playlist that you can watch,
all kinds of videos.
You can also hit that subscription button.
It would mean a lot to me.
Also, hit that like button while you're down there.
Have a wonderful day, Reptile Army.
Remember, be kind to someone
and I promise I'll see you in the next one.
(everyone laughing)