LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JASON BATEMAN.
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>>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
IT IS SUCH A JOY TO BE HERE WITH ALL OF YOU TONIGHT.
GUYS, WE'RE ALMOST THERE. THE YEAR IS ALMOST OVER.
WHO HERE HAS HAD IT WITH 2020? BUT AT LEAST WE GOT THE VACCINE
NOW, RIGHT? WHO ELSE HERE HAS ALREADY HAD
THE VACCINE? JUST ME?
I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE MORE HANDS UP
IT IS GREAT BEING BACK HERE HOSTING "SNL" FOR THE SECOND
TIME. FIRST TIME WAS 15 YEARS AGO, SO
YOU KNOW I MADE AN IMPRESSION. BUT I'VE HONESTLY BEEN VERY,
VERY, VERY BUSY. NOT A FREE SATURDAY IN 15 YEARS.
BUT I FINALLY FREED UP, AND NOW I AM BACK, EVEN THOUGH SOMETHING
KIND OF WEIRD HAPPENED THE LAST TIME I WAS HOSTING.
I WAS IN A SKETCH CALLED "MONKEYS THROWING POOP AT
CELEBRITIES." WHICH NATURALLY HAD A MONKEY IN
IT. NOW, IF THE SHOW DID THAT SKETCH
TODAY THEY WOULD USE A PUPPET OR A KID IN A FUZZY SUIT FOR
SAFETY. BUT BACK THEN THEY USED A REAL
MALE ADULT CHIMPANZEE. THIS WAS 2005.
THINGS WERE LOOSE. THINGS WERE SO LOOSE THAT AT THE
END OF THE SHOW AT GOODNIGHTS THE MONKEY WAS ALLOWED TO TAKE
A BOW WITH US UP HERE. WE'RE ALL HUGGING, WE'RE SAYING
GOOD NIGHT, THE CREDITS ARE ROLLING AND THEN THE MONKEY
TRIED TO KILL ME. TRULY.
I BENT DOWN TO SAY GOOD JOB TO THE MONKEY, YOU KNOW, BE NICE.
I'M A NICE FELLA, BUT NOT SO MUCH THE CHIMP.
THE CHIMP UNHINGES HIS JAWS, HE FLASHES HIS TEETH, AND HE TRIES
TO BITE MY ENTIRE NOSE OFF. THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
APPARENTLY THIS IS A THING WITH CHIMPS, I GUESS.
. THEY HATE THAT HUMANS HAVE FACES
AND THEY WANT TO REMOVE THEM. I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE HE GOT A LOOK AT THIS NOSE AND THOUGHT I WASN'T GOING MISS
HALF OF IT. AND THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE
FAKE IRONIC MONOLOGUE STORIES. THIS IS A REAL, LIFE SCARRING
STORY. WE HAVE THE CLIP.
DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MUCH, RIGHT? BUT I HAD THE HORROR ANGLE,
RIGHT? THIS CAMERA SAW THE TERROR.
IT WAS TERRIFYING. HOWEVER, I AM SMILING.
I'M SMILING, BUT INSIDE I'M THINKING, A MONKEY JUST ATTACKED
ME AND NOBODY CARES. THEY JUST KEEP HUGGING.
ANY WAY, I SURVIVED AND AFTER THE SHOW I WAS TOLD BY THE
ANIMAL HANDLERS THAT MIKEY THE MONKEY WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.
TRULY. MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS, THIS IS A
TRAP. HE WANTS MORE, HE'S STILL
SNACKY. BUT I DECIDED THAT EVERYONE
DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE, SO I WENT DOWN TO HIS DRESSING ROOM.
I OPEN UP THE DOOR, AND HE'S STANDING THERE.
AND HE'S LOOKING VERY ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.
AND HONEST TO GOD, HE SHUFFLES OVER TO ME, PUTS HIS HAND UP
ON MY SHOULDER AS IF TO SAY, I'M SORRY.
YEAH.
IT WAS A VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.
IT WAS A CONNECTION BETWEEN MAN AND NATURE THAT I WILL NEVER
EVER, EVER FORGET. THE MONKEY WAS DESTROYED LATER
THAT NIGHT. IT WAS MY CHOICE.
LESSONS HAVE TO BE LEARNED. BUT I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT
IF HE WAS HERE WITH US TONIGHT TO SEE ME HOST 15 YEARS LATER,
HE WOULD PROBABLY -- HE'D PROBABLY RIP MY NUTS OFF.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MORGAN WALLEN IS HERE. THE CHIMP IS STILL ALIVE.
STICK AROUND. WE'RE GOING TO BE GHT BACK.RI