Where've you been?
Um...
What's the matter? You want some?
Get hold of that!
Go on, go on. Give me a whack. Go on.
Yeah, alright!
We're giving it the big'un.
The larger the codpiece, the more status.
The codpiece would have been attached at the front to conceal
the front opening of the hose.
The key thing here is all about size, so it's a question
of how daring you feel as to what sort of size and shape
of codpiece you choose. Right, let's have a look at them.
Oh, wow! I mean, I like the style of that one, but
I don't know if there's much room.
Well, no, bear in mind that they are solid and padded. Wow!
They are all solid around here.
You are the dress historian, why don't you choose my codpiece?
Well, we've got two that we think actually would go well with the hose
and the other items. It's really a question of, which one would you
like? Obviously everything at the Tudor court is highly competitive,
so you're going to want to show that you are a man of status,
and the larger the codpiece, the more status.
I mean, I'd wear it that way.
But of course it's got to go that way, hasn't it, because
we're...we're giving it the big 'un, as they say. Exactly.
Why is it called a codpiece?
Because, you know, cod means fish.
It does, but also in the, sort of, 15th and 16th century
English slang, it meant scrotum.
Did it?
I mean, I would fear, you know, in modern-day times, the flashier the
car, the Ferrari, it means that you're obviously
overcompensating for something, so probably I would have used my
brain and gone for a smaller codpiece, just to let everyone know
in the room that I don't need a big codpiece, because what's
underneath, um, is Godzilla.
I take it all the piss has been washed out?
Sorry? Of course. The piss?
It is why it is so white, though.
What piss is it? It is the urine contributed by
all members of your household, my Lord King.
Have you pissed on it, Daniel? I pissed on it myself, my Lord.
Have you, have you pissed...? It makes the colour so white.
Have you pissed on it? Yeah. Yeah.
But it doesn't smell.
HE SNIFFS
Your tunic, my Lord King. Love a tunic.
Next, something for a little extra luxury, a supertunic.
Your mantle.
Incredibly comfortable.
So, where's me crown?
Here. Here we go.
ROUSING DRUM ROLL
Your Highness.
Quite a heavy crown. As it should be, I suppose.
And, er...now how do I look?
Quite magnificent, the ruler of all.
The greatest king in Christendom, without any doubt.
I have a present for you.
Ooh, he's got a sack! I do love a sack.
Well, what've we got in here, then? Look at that.
Oh, wow.
THEY LAUGH
It's me.
So what, what's...? Look at that, a fine likeness.
That's incredible.
What's going on here? It's very good, isn't it?
What, you had these made for me, did you? I did.
Did you? Oh, my word.
So... So handsome! Oh, absolutely. Very regal.
What do you think, will you send them to all your subjects?
It's got the West Ham thing on there.
This is a real...
I just want to put the lips on you!
Oh, I'm touched. That's a gift, is it? It is, it's a gift.
Oh, this is... Just hold me.
There you go. How lovely.
You're very welcome. Oh, that's beautiful, that is.
Thank you.
Yeah, you couldn't whisper in this, could you?
If I went, "Look, listen, they are over that way, I think.
"They've not seen us, but what we'll do is,
"we'll sneak up around the back." You know what I mean? Yeah.
Just try and hit me right here. OK, go on, then.
So there's not a lot you can see, is there? No, fuck all.
But a lot of this is just being aware of the space around you,
even when you can't see it.
So I still know where you are even though I can't see very much.
Where are you?!
Over here.
You could probably take a donk on the head from this, couldn't you?
That's right. I won't go mad.
You know, there you are, yeah, look, look. Go on, give me one.
Go on.
Yeah, all right! Fucking...
Show me another move. Uh-huh.
OK, strike with the cue and come up high, and try and use the cue
and stab me in the chest, and then come in with that, yeah?
OK.
Good.
Did they ever have a rest, knights, after.. You know, they go,
"Hold up a minute, mate." Absolutely. Oh, good.
Competitive fights that were fought in friendly conditions were usually
fought to a certain number of blows in a friendly context.
OK. Not on the battlefield.
I can see why. Yeah, it's tiring.
It's difficult, this. Shall we have a knight kiss?
Absolutely. Come here, put yours down.
THEY SING IN FRENCH
Very nice. How lovely.
One thing we can do is to utilise some Norman camouflage,
by clamping that between your teeth, and what that does,
it'll break up the shape of your face.
It does a bit, doesn't it, yeah.
Tastes lovely, doesn't it?
Right, it's all yours.
Slowly... Draw up, and take your shot.
He's a big old boy, ain't he?
Focus on where you want to be.
All the way back.
I've caught him right in the windpipe!
I think it's time that we feast.
Yep, stop.
Yeah, good?
Oh, here we go.
Oh yes.
Get in there!
Lift it up.
Very appetising, innit?
Hey!
Have that with a cracker.
I mean you've gotta think this is how they lived.
That's how we roll in the viking world.
We bang on the old tongue.
Listen, this is what we do now.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Nice, that is. Really...
A bit of French mustard wouldn't go amiss, but...as tongue...
..as tongues go, beautiful.
Let's have a bit of that and all,
let's get involved in that, nice bit of...
Don't know what it is. A bit of wood. Yeah.
I, Danny Dyer, 30-times great-grandson
of William the Conqueror, has got the hump with an Anglo-Saxon watermelon,
and it's going to get it.
What's the matter? You want some?
Get hold of that!
Where have you been?! Uh...
Have you been out with Hugh bloody Despenser?
First, it was Piers bloody Gaveston, and now it's Hugh!
I'm going to chop his bloody balls off!
I loved you for over ten long years,
and you only slept with me
because you wanted an heir!
Yeah? But I should have never married an English bloke!
Can we just stop shouting and hollering?
Especially not one that prefers guys to girls!
Ah, yeah. Um...
Roger... Roger. ..is more of a man than you.
We're just pals. Who's Roger?
Roger De Mortimer is my lover.
OK.
Now get out of my castle!
Don't like it in there anyway.
There's actually one more thing I need to tell you
about King Louis IX.
He wasn't just a king.
He was a saint.
MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah
27 years after his death,
the Pope canonised him Saint Louis.
There are very few saints that aren't virgins or martyrs,
so to have the blood of a saint in your blood
is an extraordinary thing.
It is, innit?
# Hallelujah, hallelujah... #
Again, it's just so much to take in, you know, just...
..to know I'm related to a saint.
That blood is sacred blood.
It works miracles in the church.
And I've got it coursing through me veins!
Shall we have a look at the high altar?
The high altar.
The space you're about to enter was reserved just for King Louis IX
in his lifetime, and then only the kings of France.
OK. And up there would have been the relic of the Crown of Thorns,
which today is locked away at Notre Dame Cathedral.
# Lord of lords
# He shall reign
# He shall reign forever and ever
# Forever and ever
# And ever and ever
# Hallelujah, hallelujah
# Hallelujah, hallelujah... #
For the first time, I really do feel like a king.
# Hallelujah. #