♪♪
-And now, we're gonna get to the news.
When asked during an interview last week
about the national mood, President Biden said,
"People are really, really down,"
even though he did everything he could to make us smile.
[ Laughter ]
After falling off his bike over the weekend, President Biden
did a brief dance after leaving church
to show reporters he was feeling fine.
Though, just for the record, we stopped associating dancing
with good health some time ago.
[ Laughter ]
Members of the House committee investigating the Capitol attack
are reportedly considering issuing a subpoena
to former Vice President Mike Pence.
Good luck. If those lips were any tighter, they'd seal over.
[ Laughter ]
Sunday was Father's Day, and what's nicer to hear
after "I love you" than "Thanks"?
[ Laughter ]
And ex-aide to former President Trump
revealed in a new interview that while watching President Biden
on TV, Trump blurted out, "Can you believe I lost to this guy?"
"Been there," said one woman.
[ Laughter ]
After last week's televised hearings on the Capitol attack,
former President Trump said on Friday
that ex-Vice President Mike Pence
did not have the courage to act on January 6th and added,
"Mike was afraid of whatever he was afraid of."
Um, getting hanged?
You can't threaten to kill a man
and then ask what he's so scared of.
That's like Jason saying, "What?! What did I do?"
According to a new report,
Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker
has fathered three children he has not publicly acknowledged,
or, as his opponent thinks of it, three more votes!
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
"The New York Times" recently published an article
about so-called "peecyclers"
who recycle their urine to use as fertilizer.
I don't know.
I think if that worked, the subway would look like this.
[ Laughter ]
Today, June 21st, is the longest day of the year.
That's right -- One of my kids has a piano recital.
[ Laughter ]
An anonymous bidder recently paid over $19 million
for a private lunch in New York City
with up to seven guests and investor Warren Buffett.
And I can guess what Buffett's first investment tip will be.
[ Light laughter ]
I guess I'm the only one that can guess.
[ Laughter ]
Not one of you has the same guess as me?!
[ Laughter ]
He's got -- [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
I mean, it's just, like, jarring
to go "oh" for the room.
[ Laughter ]
He's gonna come in and he's gonna be like,
"$19 million is too much to pay for lunch."
[ Laughter ]
[ Pencil snaps ]
[ Laughter ]
Ah-ah-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
[ Applause ]
The toy company Nerf recently unveiled its first-ever mascot,
which is a character named Murph,
though it's hard to imagine that children will have the energy
to play with Nerf products since they will never sleep again!
In a new interview, former vice president Mike Pence
criticized President Biden and said that he is
"embracing the politics of the radical left."
Are you kidding me?
If anything, he falls pretty hard to the right.
[ Laughter ]
In the same interview, former vice president Mike Pence
said that after the Capitol attack,
he talked through it with former president Trump,
and then they "rolled our sleeves up
and finished working together."
I don't buy it.
The only way Trump ever rolled his sleeves up
was to sell a fake Rolex.
[ Light laughter ]
Pence also said in the interview that he will
"always be proud to have served
alongside former president Trump,"
because in the end, there is no bond stronger
than Stockholm syndrome.
[ Light laughter ]
President Biden spent the day yesterday at the beach.
And when there was only one set of footprints,
that's when Jill carried him.
[ Laughter ]
Former president Trump said in a new interview
that he has not asked Florida governor Ron DeSantis
if he is running for president in 2024
but added that he thinks he would win over DeSantis.
Well, there's only one way to find out --
a long, nasty, drawn-out primary season
where you two guys are both emotionally
and politically eviscerated,
debating each other's last brain cell into the ground,
destroying the Republican Party
and everything you both stand for
until there is only one husk of a man left standing in the GOP
to actually run in the election...
Jeb!
[ Cheers and applause ]
There you go!
A rare -- a rare round of applause for Jeb.
American Airlines has announced
that it will no longer service Toledo, Ohio,
due to a pilot shortage,
despite being the only commercial carrier
to service the city.
So if you have to go to Toledo,
I have even more bad news.
[ Laughter ]
A man in the U.K. said in a new interview
that he drank 30 cans of Pepsi a day for 20 years
but ended his addiction after doing hypnotherapy.
Man, that guy must have been hard to hypnotize.
"You're getting very sleepy."
"I'm really not!
I'm really not, though. I'm wide awake."
That's right, a man in the U.K.
said that he drank 30 cans of Pepsi a day for 20 years.
Even crazier, another man in the U.K. has had RC Cola twice.
[ Light laughter ]
If there's any RC Cola fans in Toledo watching tonight,
it's a --
Apologies.
Today was actor Jussie Smollett's 40th birthday.
At least he says it is.
[ Laughter, groaning ]
Move over, RC Cola joke.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to new data,
the price of a pound of lettuce
has increased by more than 11% in a year.
To give you an idea of what a pound of lettuce looks like,
order a Big Mac.
President Biden spoke today about rising gasoline prices,
but just because alternative means of transportation
aren't working out.
[ Laughter ]
After President Biden fell off his bike over the weekend,
former President Trump said he will,
"Never, ever ride a bicycle."
Oh, nobody thought you were going to.
I mean, at least until you said you weren't.
Because if this is anything like your past promises,
you'll be in the Tour de France next month.
[ Laughter ]
It did say Tour de France, Baze, I apologize.
I did it real fancy.
Tour de "Frantz."
That's the Tour de France.
[ Laughter ]
Tour of -- It's the tour of --
[ Laughter ]
President Biden yesterday
signed two cybersecurity bills into law.
Said Biden, "Hang on. It's almost done.
Says all I got to do now is
enter my Social Security number and mother's maiden name."
[ Laughter ]
President Biden today asked Congress to approve
a three-month pause on the federal gas tax
to help combat rising prices.
And at this point, he'll try anything.
Don't be surprised if he starts giving the price in liters.
"Got it down to a buck 39!
Nice."
During yesterday's hearing on the Capitol attack,
committee members showed texts
that indicated Republican Senator Ron Johnson
wanted to hand-deliver a list of fake electors
for then Vice President Mike Pence
to introduce on January sixth.
You sent that over text?
Dude, how do you send bribes, Venmo?
[ Laughter ]
In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said
that it would be "out of the question"
for her to run for president in 2024.
Oh, I wait. I read that wrong. The interviewer said that.
[ Laughter ]
The mayor of Moffat, Colorado, which has 70 dispensaries
but only 120 residents...
[ Laughter ]
...said in a new interview that she is considering
changing the name of the town to Kush.
Said residents, "Yeah, we know.
You said the same thing like 20 minutes ago."
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in New York City yesterday
crushed nearly 100 illegal dirt bikes with a bulldozer.
And 6-year-olds don't know how to feel about it.
"I mean, I love dirt bikes, but I also love bulldozers."
[ Laughter ]
That's my 6-year-old impression. "Come on!"
[ Laughter ]
Health officials in New Jersey this week
discovered their first suspected case of monkeypox.
And because it's Jersey, you know
that's going to be that guy's nickname forever.
[ Laughter ] "Hey, oh, Monkeypox,
we're getting beers.
[ Laughter ]
You're paying, Monkeypox."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the food company Kraft announced today
that it's changing the name of its popular macaroni and cheese
to Mac and Cheese,
while the people who eat it for dinner every night
will still be known as Kraft Singles.
Aw, Goldich.
[ Laughter ]
Matthew Goldich, how...?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I feel like that guy is going to meet somebody.
The FDA announced today that it will ban the sale
of JUUL e-cigarettes.
In related news, some 15-year-olds
just breached the Capitol. [ Laughter ]
The Supreme Court today issued several rulings,
including one that overturns a New York state gun law
restricting concealed weapons.
So move over, tourists.
Seriously, move over, 'cause you're gonna get shot.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the Supreme Court overturned a New York law.
A New York state gun law restricting concealed weapons,
'cause, you know, when sometimes you'll be on the "F" train
in August and there's no AC., and then it stops
in the middle of the tunnel and the conductor
doesn't announce anything.
And you think to yourself, "Man, I wish we all had guns."
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report, the Biden administration
got in touch with Tesla for advice on electric car policy
despite President Biden's public feud with Elon Musk.
Yeah, Biden's not afraid to hash it out
with someone he disagrees with.
He still thinks he can be friends with Mitch McConnell.
Hell, just yesterday, he had lunch with that bike.
[ Laughter ]
I wondered all day, "How does a bike sit at a table?"
And that's -- that's the best possible way to do it.
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is reportedly divorcing
his fourth wife, model Jerry Hall.
Wow. That's his fourth wife? Who is his first wife, Eve?
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump is reportedly
planning to visit Alaska next month.
So get ready for that stream of consciousness.
[ As Trump ] "It's so good to be in Alaska, which is not
connected to the other states.
Many people don't -- many people don't know that.
Very, very unfair of the mainland.
The way they treat Alaska is very unfair.
It's very -- home of Juneau. Juneau.
That wacky high school girl who got pregnant."
[ Laughter ] "She said silly words.
She talks in a very -- A very silly way, Juneau.
We love Juneau. We love --
And that, my friends, is everything I know about you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] The makers of Monopoly yesterday
released a Hamptons Edition of the board game.
Said residents, "What the hell is income tax?"
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Oklahoma arrested an employee at a fast-food
restaurant this week after a customer found
a small bag of crystal meth with their order,
when they had clearly ordered a large!
[ Laughter ]
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office officially approved
a request yesterday for Ohio State University
to register the word "the" in an attempt to get
your dad to stop calling it "The Facebook."
[ Laughter ]
Finally, tomorrow is national "Take your dog to work day,"
while for people who work from home,
it's national Work Around Your Cat Day.
And that, you guys, was a monologue, everybody!
♪♪