WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I--
THANK YOU.
LOVELY TO BE BACK.
I'D LIKE TO START OFF BY WISHING ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS A HAPPY
ROSH HASHANAH.
HERE'S HOPING 5782 TURNS OUT BETTER THAN 5781.
NOW, WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR TWO WEEKS.
AND WHILE WE WERE GONE THERE WAS THE CONTINUING PLAGUE,
WAR, FLOODS, FIRES.
IT'S LIKE THE END TIMES, OR AS THEY'RE NOW KNOWN, "THE
TIMES."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT AND THEY HAVE ONLY ONE QUESTION ON THEIR MIND: "WHAT
THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY UPPER LIP?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A-HA!
>> Stephen: WHICH BRINGS US TO A BREAKING MUSTACHE NEWSFLASH:
I'M SURE YOU HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS LIKE "WHY?"
( LAUGHTER )
AND "REALLY, WHY?"
WELL, IT'S KIND OF A COMPLICATED STORY.
I WENT ON VACATION, AND I DIDN'T SHAVE.
AND THEN I SHAVED THIS PART DOWN HERE.
NOW, THE REVERSE ABE LINCOLN HERE HAS NOT GONE OVER WELL WITH
SOME.
OR SO FAR, ANY.
FOR INSTANCE, MY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER CHRIS, WHO IS ALMOST
ANGRY AT MY FACE RIGHT NOW.
HE DOESN'T LIKE CHANGE.
HE'S LIKE A CHILD.
OF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO SHAVE THIS OFF MY FACE, WOULDN'T YOU?
WHY IS THAT?
YOU THINK IT WILL LOSE VIEWERS IF I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY UPPER
LIP.
>> UNDOUBTEDLY.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY-- GIVE ME A ROUND ESTIMATE OF HOW MANY
VIEWERS THIS IS GOING TO COST ME TONIGHT?
>> THEY'RE TUNING OUT AS WE SPEAK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: GREAT.
I KIND OF LIKE THE WAY I LOOK WITH THIS THING, OKAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I MIGHT SAY, "DA BEARS."
( LAUGHTER )
SPIDER-MAN.
WHERE'S PETER PARKER?
HE'S YOUR BUDDY, PETER."
OR POSSIBLY...
"LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.
DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?
GET OUT OF THE CAR.
GET OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE."
BUT I'M NOT HERE TO DIVIDE PEOPLE.
LET'S SETTLE THIS CONTROVERSY NOW.
BY APPLAUSE, WHO LIKES THE MUSTACHE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, BY APPLAUSE, WHO THINKS I SHOULD SHAVE IT OFF IN THE NEXT
COMMERCIAL BREAK?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'LL HAVE THOSE VOTES TABULATED, AND THE DECISION IS
GOING TO BE MADE BY THE SUPREME COURT-- BY WHICH, OF
COURSE, I MEAN MY WIFE, EVIE.
NOW, I'VE BEEN FOCUSING ON THE VACATION 'STACHE A LOT, MOSTLY
BECAUSE I'M AVOIDING ALL THE DARK NEWS OUT THERE THESE DAYS.
BUT OUR COMMITMENT AS A SHOW IS THAT WE TALK ABOUT WHATEVER THE
NATIONAL CONVERSATION IS.
BUT YOU DON'T WIN PEABODIES FOR DUCKING THE BIG ISSUES, WHICH IS
WHY I WANT TO GET RIGHT TO THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY: THERE'S A
TALKING DUCK IN AUSTRALIA!
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS HUGE NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO HAS NEVER HEARD OF PARROTS.
SO, WHAT DOES THIS TALKING DUCK SAY?
ACCORDING TO ONE RESEARCHER, IT REPEATS MANY THINGS THAT ITS
OWNER SAYS, INCLUDING THE PHRASE, "YOU BLOODY FOOL."
( LAUGHTER )
"IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S NOT
THIS DUCK.
THIS ONE INSULTS YOU."
LET'S GIVE THE DUCK A LISTEN.
>> YOU BLOODY FOOL.
YOU BLOODY FOOL.
YOU BLOODY FOOOOL.
( LAUGHTER )
HAUNTING AND HARSH.
COMPARE THAT TO HOW DUCKS INSULT YOU IN THE WILD:
>> YOU'RE DESPICABLE.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S NOT JUST WORDS.
THIS DUCK ALSO IMITATED OTHER NOISES, LIKE THE SOUNDS OF
A PONY SNORTING, A MAN COUGHING, AND A DOOR SLAMMING.
HE LEARNED THAT LAST SOUND FROM THE REPEATED TIMES HE OVERHEARD
THE RESEARCHER ASK A WOMAN, "WANNA SEE MY TALKING DUCK?"
WHILE WE WERE AWAY, HURRICANE IDA DEVASTATED LOUISIANA, WHERE
OVER A MILLION RESIDENTS LOST ELECTRICITY, AND SOME COULD BE
LOOKING AT MORE THAN THREE WEEKS BEFORE POWER IS RESTORED.
MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK, IDA DUMPED A RECORD 3.15 INCHES OF
RAIN IN JUST ONE HOUR IN CENTRAL PARK, TOPPING THE PREVIOUS HIGH
OF 1.94 INCHES IN AN HOUR SET JUST 11 DAYS EARLIER DURING
HURRICANE HENRI.
ON THE UPSIDE, THE CENTRAL PARK ZOO IS NOW AN AQUARIUM.
THOUGH, IT WAS VERY TOUGH TO GET A SNORKEL ON THE LION.
OVER AT NEWARK AIRPORT, FLIGHTS WERE DELAYED, AND THE BAGGAGE
ROOM WAS FLOODED.
SO, PRETTY GOOD DAY AT NEWARK AIRPORT.
NOW, YOU KNOW THE CLIMATE CRISIS IS BAD WHEN THE
ONCE-IN-A-CENTURY GLOBAL PANDEMIC IS THE SECOND BIGGEST
STORY OF THE DAY.
IN THAT REGARD THINGS ARE NOT GETTING GOOD.
U.S. COVID HOSPITALIZATIONS HAVE MORE THAN DOUBLED SINCE LAST
LABOR DAY, DUE TO THE DELTA VARIANT.
THAT'S THE REASON WHY MY ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS NOW MASKED UP LIKE
A BUNCH OF SURGEONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SAFETY FIRST.
IF ANY OF YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOCTORS, IF YOU COULD STICK
AROUND AFTER THE SHOW, I HAVE A HIDEOUS GROWTH I NEED REMOVED
FROM MY UPPER LIP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UNFORTUNATELY--
WE'LL GET THERE.
THANK YOU.
UNFORTUNATELY, THANKS TO FEAR-MONGERING AND
MISINFORMATION, A LOT OF PEOPLE STILL AREN'T GETTING VACCINATED.
IN FACT, WALGREENS, CVS, RITE AID AND STATE GOVERNMENTS HAVE
THROWN OUT OVER 15 MILLION DOSES OF WASTED COVID-19 VACCINES.
BUT THAT DOES MEAN 15 MILLION COVID-IMMUNE DUMPSTER RATS.
( LAUGHTER )
ANTI-VAXXERS BEING UNPROTECTED.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE FOUND A NEW DRUG THAT ALSO DOES NOT PROTECT
THEM.
IT'S CALLED IVERMECTIN, WHICH IS A HORSE DEWORMER.
SO YOU WILL PROBABLY STILL GET COVID, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
YOU COULD WIN THE PREAKNESS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PROPONENTS SAY...
( APPLAUSE )
SURE.
WHY NOT?
GIDDY-UP.
PROPONENTS SAY THE SCIENCE BEHIND IVERMECTIN IS CLEAR.
IN FACT, WE'VE BEEN SENT A DEMONSTRATION OF JUST HOW IT
DEFENDS YOUR BLOODSTREAM FROM THE VIRUS.
♪ ♪ ♪
SO IVERMECTIN IS INEFFECTIVE AGAINST COVID.
AND WHEN USED INCORRECTLY, IT CAN KILL YOU.
WORST OF ALL, IT TASTES YUCKY LUCKILY, THE INTERNET IS LOADED
WITH ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT MORE PALATABLE, INCLUDING MIXING
IT WITH JELLIES OR EATING IT AS A SANDWICH.
OR THROW IT ON YOUR ROAST BEEF.
TECHNICALLY, IT IS HORSEY SAUCE.
ONE COMMENTER EXPLAINED, "I TAKE IT BY HIDING IT IN A BANANA."
IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES TO GET YOU TO ACCEPT ACTUAL MEDICINE?
IN THAT CASE, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A DELICIOUS BANANA?
THIS--
THE TERRIBLE TASTE LED ONE FACEBOOK USER TO ASK, "CAN I
SQUEEZE THE PASTE INTO MY ANUS INSTEAD OF MY MOUTH?"
LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS WAS AMERICA-- YOU BET YOU CAN.
IN FACT--
CAN THEY?
THEY CAN?
EVIDENTLY, YOU CAN.
IN FACT, IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE LABEL: "FOR A HORSE'S ASS."
IN LIGHTER NEWS, "ROE V. WADE" IS DEAD IN TEXAS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ABORTION CAN BE A CHALLENGING
SUBJECT TO TALK ABOUT, ESPECIALLY ON A COMEDY SHOW.
INSTEAD, I'LL LET THIS EXPERT GIVE HIS OPINION OF THE MAN WHO
SIGNED THIS LAW, TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT:
>> YOU BLOODY FOOL.
LAUGH LAW ENFORCEMENT
>> Stephen: HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT ABORTION-- AND YOU DO--
WHAT THE TEXAS LEGISLATURE DID HERE IS CRAZY.
OKAY, HERE'S THE DETAILS: ON SEPTEMBER 1st, A NEW LAW WENT
INTO EFFECT IN TEXAS THAT BANS ABORTIONS AS EARLY AS SIX
WEEKS-- A PERIOD BEFORE MANY WOMEN REALIZE THEY ARE PREGNANT.
NORMALLY, A BROAD LIKE THAT WOULD LIKELY GET SHOT DOWN BY
THE PRECEDENT OF ROE V. WADE, WHICH, WHILE CONTROVERSIAL, HAS
BEEN THE SETTLED LAW OF THE LAND FOR 50 YEARS.
SO KNOWING THAT, TEXAS REPUBLICANS CRAFTED THIS LAW TO
AVOID JUDICIAL REVIEW ENTIRELY.
IN RESPONSE TO THIS CLEAR END-RUN AROUND OUR JUDICIAL
SYSTEM, THE SUPREME COURT SAID, "I LIKE BEER."
( LAUGHTER )
DECISION, THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY OF THE COURT SAID THEY
HAD, "SERIOUS QUESTIONS REGARDING THE CONSTITUTIONALITY
OF THE TEXAS LAW," BUT WOULDN'T BLOCK IT DUE TO
"COMPLEX" AND "NOVEL" PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS.
BUT ISN'T ANSWERING COMPLEX AND NOVEL PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS ALL
WE PAY YOU KNUCKLEHEADS TO DO
( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE UNPRECEDENTED LEGAL SHENANIGANS THAT
SUPPOSEDLY THREW THESE LEGAL GENIUSES: INSTEAD OF ANY
GOVERNMENT AGENT IN TEXAS BEING ASKED TO ENFORCE THE NEW LAW,
TEXAS NOW DEPUTIZES PRIVATE CITIZENS TO BRING CIVIL SUITS
AGAINST ANYONE WHO ASSISTS A PREGNANT PERSON SEEKING AN
ABORTION.
AND "ANYONE" MEANS ANYONE.
AS ONE LAW PROFESSOR EXPLAINED, "IF THE BARISTA AT STARBUCKS
OVERHEARS YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR ABORTION, AND IT WAS PERFORMED
AFTER SIX WEEKS, THAT BARISTA IS AUTHORIZED TO SUE THE CLINIC
WHERE YOU OBTAINED THE ABORTION AND TO SUE ANY OTHER PERSON WHO
HELPED YOU."
WELL, I HOPE TEXAS IS READY FOR SOME DRAMATIC TESTIMONY FROM
BARISTAS, LIKE "I HEARD JEEMES HELPED SERMERNTHA GET AN ARBOR
DAY."
( LAUGHTER )
DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS, BUT APPARENTLY IT'S COOL TO NARC ON
TEXANS, BECAUSE THE LAW ENCOURAGES INFORMANTS TO
SUE, PROMISING THEY CAN RECOVER LEGAL FEES, AS WELL AS $10,000,
IF THEY WIN.
THEY'RE INCENTIVIZING NEIGHBORS TO TURN ON EACH OTHER FOR CASH.
BAD NEWS FOR FANS OF PRIVACY RIGHTS, BUT GREAT NEWS FOR "THE
HANDMAID'S TALE," WHO JUST GOT A LATE EMMY NOMINATION FOR BEST
DOCUMENTARY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JON AND I PROVIDE A VITAL COMMUNITY
SERVICE, THROUGH THE POWER OF SONG!
STICK AROUND.
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