- [Tony's Helper] To start, the first month,
February, was amazing, like a dream relationship.
We had been friends for a while before
when she suddenly confessed.
I had hid my feelings as we were meant to only be friends,
so I jumped at the opportunity, stating my feelings.
The second month was not as bad,
only having a single argument
as she invited her neighbor over
to what was supposed to be a date.
After talking it out, we sorted it and made up.
The third month was when the problems started.
We had planned out a date to be on a Saturday.
As she had work on our usual Friday times,
I understood and changed the day
of the restaurant I booked to then.
I hadn't told her as I wanted it to be a surprise
instead of the usual home movie,
but she knew to keep that day clear
and to dress well for the date.
Only an hour before the date, she texts me,
saying that she "won't be there tonight"
as she was going to see a movie with a friend.
I was honestly furious
as I had already paid the pre-book fee
and told her over a week in advance.
I tried to call but her phone was off.
I called her best friend
and he had no idea what was happening either.
The next morning, I talk to her and she argues with me,
saying I should have told her it was a restaurant meal.
After about an hour of arguing,
she finally admitted that she was wrong for what she did.
I accepted that and we took a day-break
to calm and clear any bad feelings.
After that, the relationship started to decline.
I stayed the same, but she started
to get more and more distant.
Eventually, after three weeks
of no intimacy, not even kisses,
I confronted her, asking what's going on.
She says she "needs a week to think"
and wanted to be single for that.
I told her I don't mind taking a break
if that's what she needs,
but I don't see why being single is needed for that.
She argued it's for her freedom,
and I realized it was for another guy.
We broke up, and she spread lies about me
cheating and being abusive.
Thankfully, the friends she spread it to
wouldn't believe her
as we had all known each other for years,
her being introduced to them through me.
Her best friend had tried to defend me
and she had blocked him,
but he knew her friend group.
Through them, we discovered that she had been cheating
the last three weeks of the relationship,
as well as the "friend" she went to the movies with
being a Tinder hook-up,
then left me to start dating the new guy.
To nobody's surprise, he blocked her
after she tried to start dating him.
Soon she dropped out of university
as the guy had uploaded
the videos of her cheating to adult sites
and it spread throughout her university.
Then I decided I wanted revenge.
It wasn't much, as I knew her parents and we were close.
They knew nothing that was going on
and assumed we just broke up.
Her parents, though, are super religious,
along with her grandmother.
So, although painful, I found the links to the videos,
downloaded them, and took screenshots of all the breakup.
Then I contacted her family,
saying I had something I wanted to share,
created a group chat with her parents,
grandmother, and ex-best friend.
Then I unloaded all screenshots and videos,
along with a text message
explaining everything that's happened.
There was no contact for about a week,
then her ex-best friend filled me in on the situation.
She had lost her scholarship
due to dropping out of university.
Her grandmother, after seeing the proof,
cut her from the will and disowned her,
followed by her parents,
and her being evicted from the house,
as well as support cut off.
She now is working a minimum wage job
and sharing a home with friends.
TLDR, my ex cheated on me
and tried to pin abuse and cheating on me,
only for it to backfire
as the guy uploaded her cheating with him
and her family disowned and cut her off.
Edit, for all those calling me an asshole, I know.
It's nuclear revenge, not Am I the Asshole,
and for those who cannot read,
she attempted to pin abuse on me,
which would make me lose my job,
and I did not upload the videos,
only shared to her family for proof.
After that, it was out my hands,
and went further than I thought.
(censor beeps)
I've been lurking here a little while,
and have finally plucked up the courage to post.
Eight weeks ago, I am 46, my wife is 48, of 13 years,
revealed an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend
that has been going on since at least last year.
She told me that she feels she can talk to him
about things she can't talk to me about,
that they are open with each other emotionally
like we are not.
She said she felt bad about the affair,
that she wanted to tell me,
and that she had blocked him from further communications.
I just shut down, honestly didn't know how to react.
Just sad, angry, humiliated, confused, but on the inside.
I'm not the most emotionally expressive person.
I try to be more open,
but I am not good at expressing myself
and I tend to bottle things up.
She is much more open than me,
friendly and giving and bubbly,
and I love that about her.
But I thought that our marriage now was normal,
that this is what happens
when two adults go through life together,
that maybe the passion and excitement
gradually wear off a bit as you grow older,
but that familiarity and comfort,
stability and family take their place.
It felt like a good place to me.
Some weeks later, I started to come back to myself a bit.
I'm still not sure how I managed to function
in and out of work during those weeks.
Anyway, I decided I could not live with the uncertainty
and started to investigate.
I found out that this was also a physical affair,
that she had not blocked him from contact
and they were still talking,
that his wife had kicked him out
and was divorcing him because of the affair,
that she had come clean to me
because she thought his wife might contact me,
that she had been searching for places to rent near him,
that she had messaged close friends
about how she was looking forwards
to introducing him to them.
I triggered another conversation with her about the affair,
and the outcome was that
she really doesn't know what she wants,
that she's surprised I have been so quiet recently
and haven't been fighting more for her,
and that we need to start
working on the issues in the marriage.
I said that the only thing I know now
is that we have no chance
if she is still in contact with him
and that their communication has to stop
for there to be any chance
of us being able to fix our marriage.
She just said it's not that simple.
They have known each other longer she has known me,
that they have an emotional connection.
Now I don't know what to do.
Half of me is thinking
that I must be able to explain better
about how I can't move forward with him in the picture,
or that her relationship counseling will help her see this,
or that she will understand that an affair
is not the same as day-to-day life with someone,
that she's giving up a nice life
for a false promise of teenage excitement,
that this is just a rush of blood to the head.
The other half of me, to be honest,
the part that's reading this back after I have typed it,
is realizing that she's already made her choice
by staying in contact with him,
that I won't ever be able to trust her again,
that she needs something different to what I can offer
and that we'll both be happier if I move on.
But it's such a big step to admit to myself
that I am giving up on us.
How can I give up if I haven't tried
everything in my power to make this marriage work?
Maybe I just have to try anyway
and that she will stop contact
if we start to make progress.
There is a child involved,
and I won't talk more about that
apart from they're my life,
that I can't even begin to imagine
how I would be able to live
with only seeing them half the time.
It would absolutely break my heart
every time I had to say goodbye,
and that it makes me cry even thinking about it.
It's been quite cathartic,
and honestly a bit emotional writing this,
and I am already starting
to see a few things more clearly.
I know it's been a bit of a ramble
and it's definitely not the best writing
I've done in my life,
so thanks for reading this far.
Feedback from anyone with similar experiences
will be appreciated, however blunt as it may be.
I suspect I need a good dose of reality
to jolt me out of this situation, one way or the other,
because I just feel like I am in limbo right now
and I can't see a way out.
(censor beeps)
Throw away for obvious reasons.
Long post warning.
I, 24, met my girlfriend, she's 21, of three years
on a dating app during college.
We've been in a long-distance relationship
two of the three years due to the pandemic
and me graduating before her.
Multiple incidents where her words
have not matched actions
are mentioned below chronologically.
First incident, three months into the relationship,
we spent the night together for the first time.
The very next day, she went to a college party,
got blackout drunk, and lost her phone in the process.
I didn't hear from her for a week.
When she finally calls, she's crying,
and says that her peers
saw her making out with someone while she was drunk.
She doesn't remember any of it.
I was taken aback and immediately consoled her,
asked for space to think.
She blamed it on the alcohol and the environment.
All her peers were turning against her
because of this drama.
She was in a very rough place,
so I decided to forgive her.
Second incident, three months after this incident,
I was at her college fest.
We were drinking at the college bar,
same bar first incident occurred.
Out of the blue, a guy approached me,
and was beginning to introduce himself
and proceeded to apologize.
I didn't know who he was.
Then I noticed my girlfriend
tearing up and freaking out.
I put it together in my head,
assured her that it was him who approached me
and not the other way around,
and I just wanted to hear him out.
She continued freaking out,
and ultimately her best friend noticed this
and dragged me away from the guy.
I was left consoling her on the way back.
After this, we had multiple conversations
about this topic.
She asked for my feelings and boundaries.
I told her that specific bar makes me uncomfortable.
She then assured me that she wouldn't go there again.
She did end up going three times after that.
Third incident, we were at the same fest two years later.
I'm not one for huge crowds or concerts.
She enjoys dancing in such settings.
There was a concert and we were trying
to look for her friends,
but unfortunately we couldn't find them.
I tried to encourage her to dance by dancing myself,
but she seemed out of it.
We went to a secluded spot then and were making out.
Out of the blue, she says,
"I'd much rather be in the crowd
with my friends, rather than here."
I was taken aback by this,
and when I inquired where this is coming from,
she said, "It's just your insecurities acting up."
I was heartbroken.
I excused myself and left.
Now three years in,
she's going to move to my city for work.
This is the first time we'll be actively living
in the same place for an extended period.
Our relationship is so shaky.
We have trust and communication issues.
I still love her.
Is there any way at all to make this work?
(smooth urban music)