- Oh, my gosh. - Breaking news!
An asteroid's gonna destroy Earth in five minutes.
- Tiffany, I have loved you for all these years,
but I never had the courage to tell you.
- [Newscaster] Breaking news!
The asteroid's actually gonna miss Earth by, like, a lot.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
- Now, that's a lot of damage!
- Anyway, see you at work on Monday.
- Dude! Have I been naked for this entire presentation?
Sweet. (laughs) Although, wait a second.
My six pack is only a five pack.
And I skipped leg day! (screams)
- My first day as a kindergarten teacher. So exciting!
- Oh, honey, you are not the teacher.
- What?
- Yeah, you forgot to take your exam,
so you never got your degree.
- What?
- They're making you repeat school from the very beginning.
You're a student in this class.
- Are you kidding me?
- If you keep raising your voice,
you are gonna sit in the time-out corner, young lady.
- Sowwy, Mrs. Teacher. (weeping)
- Torture me all you want, you fiend.
I'll never give you the secret formula.
- Well, maybe a few hours
with Cocomelon will change your mind.
- Cocomelon! (playful music)
- No! The mouths don't even match up with the voices!
And they giggle all the time for no reason!
10 million views this week?
How is this so popular?
- So who's giving the TED Talk?
- You. - Me?
- Yeah, everyone's here to see you.
- I don't have a speech ready.
I don't even know why I'm here.
I hate TED Talks.
- Oh. Sucks to be you.
Good luck! (all clapping)
- Um, today I'm talking about...
(crickets chirping) (someone coughs)
Oh, (beep).
- That young woman over there is the one who got away.
Well, I can't let her get away this time.
Oh, no!
The more I run, the farther and farther away she gets!
It's like I'm on a treadmill. (wheezing)
I don't know if I feel heartbreak right now
or if my body just can't handle
any amount of physical exertion.
- Oh, my gosh! Frank James!
You're my favorite YouTuber.
I wanna be a YouTuber, too.
Can you give me some advice?
- My advice? Give up.
'Cause you ain't got what it takes, kid.
- Okay. That was neither cool nor attractive.
- I love living in Candyland in my new candy house.
- Hi, there. I'm from the government.
You owe us $23,000. - What?
- Well, as a resident, you now owe us taxes. Duh.
- That is an astronomically high tax rate!
- Not as high as Monopoly City.
- I don't have that kind of money just lying around.
What am I supposed to do?
- I don't know, but if you don't pay in full,
you'll be thrown in jail.
- Is it a candy jail? - Of course.
It's made out of licorice. - No!
- I just keep falling and falling with no end in sight,
and I am getting very scared
because I have an important meeting in 10 minutes
and I am gonna miss it!
- Forget something?
You've missed your last 17 therapy appointments.
- Catch me outside.
How 'bout dat?
- What does that mean? - What I just said.
- But we are outside. - Exactly. So catch this.
Ah, what is wrong with me?
It's like I'm trying to punch through Jell-O.
The last time I felt this slow
was when I had to repeat second grade.
- Well, we can talk about that in your appointment.
- No! (sobbing) I just, I just wanna punch your face.
- Behind that magical door, you can see all the lives
you have touched across your lifetime.
- Oh, boy! I better open it.
(people screaming) (ominous music)
Are you sure this is the right door?
(wizard cackling)
- Wait a second.
I just realized that this is a dream,
which means I can change this nightmare
into whatever I want.
Anything I can think, I can make happen.
I am in complete control. Nice!
But I wonder: Where do my thoughts come from?
I don't have any control over that at all.
They just show up in my mind out of nowhere.
Therefore, freedom is an illusion
and this dream has become a nightmare.
- Oh, no, the zombie apocalypse has started
and they're all headed this way, but luckily,
I have this underground bunker that I've created
for just such a scenario.
Okay, I just have to put in my four-digit passcode
to open the door and I'm safe.
It's just one, two, three, four.
(lock buzzes)
Okay, that's not right.
Maybe it's, like, my mom's birthday?
(lock buzzes) Okay.
Last four digits of my childhood best friend's phone number?
Crap, I knew I should've spent
the extra money on a retina scanner.
- Bad news, everyone.
We're gonna have to fire a lot of you.
- Oh, no. - We'll start with you.
- You're firing me?
- No, you're getting a promotion.
- Oh.
- So now your job is to tell people they're fired.
- Me?
- Here's the list. Get started.
- Can I just email them?
Okay. First up...
I'm sorry, Cooper. (Cooper whimpers)
You're fired. (weeping)
- Doc, have you figured out why I have to pee all the time?
- Yeah. You're pregnant.
- Oh. Well, I mean, that's cool.
I mean, I bet the kid'll be really into business, like I am.
- Yeah, about that, I'm really sorry to tell you this, but-
- What? What is it?
Is everything okay?
- We've run the blood tests, and-
- What?
- Your child is gonna be a YouTuber.
- No!
- He kept saying "Like, subscribe, and hit the bell button"
to the ultrasound camera.
- This is terrible!
It's such an unstable career path!
What are you thinking?
- This must be miserable for you,
all alone in this dark prison cell.
- Actually, no.
It's not too bad. - Huh?
But won't you suffer with nothing to occupy you
but your own twisted thoughts?
- Really. It's kind of like a relaxing getaway.
So are you just gonna leave me here?
- Oh, no. I'm gonna stay right here.
- Why would you do that?
- To engage you in some small talk, of course.
- No.
- Nice weather we're having, isn't it?
So what do you do for a living? (chuckles)
(wizard cackling) - No!
(mellow music)