-The news isn't my favorite.
I don't check the news that much.
But, I do think, every once in a while,
we should check in on what's happening
in the world, you know?
And that's why it's time for a little segment
I like to call "Sad News."
[ News theme plays ]
[ "Taps" plays ] [ Laughter ]
So with the help of -- You like that?
Did you like that? You liked that, yeah.
So with the help of my lovely guests Katy and Tituss,
we're going to read some absolutely real headlines.
But please, prepare yourself,
because these are really very sad.
[ Clears throat ]
♪♪ [ Sighs ]
-[ Chuckles ]
-Sad news.
A man brought an emotional support clown
to his own firing.
The clown made balloon animals throughout the meeting
and mimed crying when the man was handed his pink slip.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news.
A government official was pooped on by pigeons
in the middle of an interview
about getting pooped on by pigeons.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news. -[ Laughs ]
-Research -- researchers say
using your phone on the toilet will give you hemorrhoids.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news.
A family's vacation home
was invaded by dozens of vomiting vultures.
[ Laughter ]
The family described the smell as
"a thousand rotting corpses."
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news.
Male sex dolls will soon be for sale,
but at 125 pounds are too heavy for most people to move.
[ Laughter ]
-I'll be able to move them. [ Laughter ]
-Sad news.
A Florida woman freed herself from a camel
by biting its testicles
after she crawled into the animal's pen,
and the camel sat on her. [ Laughter ]
-Who hasn't that happened to, though?
[ Laughter ]
Sad news.
Portland Police say they're not allowed to stop people
from pooping in the street.
[ Light laughter ]
-Sad news.
A man threw a tortilla 54'5"
and broke the world record.
[ Light laughter ] Hmm.
-Sad news.
A man was infuriated
when his wife received a Subway sandwich
that had the word "bitch" written on it...
[ Laughter ] ...only to discover
that they'd written "B.L.T.C.H."
for BLT with cheese.
[ Laughter ]
-And finally, sad news.
A woman in a Pennsylvania Walmart turned herself in
after being caught on camera
peeing on a pile of potatoes.
[ Light laughter ]
-Very sad.
-I'm destroyed.
-That was "Sad News," everyone. [ Laughs ]