Thank you.
Take a seat.
I can't actually see if you're standing,
but I assume some of you are, and probably not wearing pants.
So please, sit down.
Well, here I am again, same place as yesterday and the day
before that and the day before that day.
I have been sitting in this chair for so long,
it's actually made a perfect mold
of my caboose, which will make it a one of a kind
when I sell it on Craigslist.
I think we'll make a fortune.
I'll donate this--
I have never heard you call it your caboose.
Well, what would you like me to refer it to?
Your ass.
Anyway, today is Cinco de Mayo, so happy Cinco de Mayo,
everyone.
This is normally the part of the show
where my audience would cheer and get really excited cause
I was talking about a holiday that involves drinking.
So I was pausing there, and then I realized, obviously,
I can't hear you cheering because you're not there.
Or because you've already passed out.
This year, Cinco de Mayo is on a Tuesday, which is good,
because if it was on a Wednesday,
that would mean we're celebrating
Cinco de Mayo on hump day.
And I am not a rocket genius, but if there's
two things that do not mix, it's tequila and humps.
I think it's rocket scientist.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, that's why I said-- that's why I'm not one.
Rocket genius.
Yeah.
For the first time ever, Cinco de Mayo
falls during a quarantino.
So I know some people are feeling
like they're missing out because they can't celebrate
with family and friends, and lots of us
are staying safe at home.
I came up with some new quarantine-themed drinks.
Now I see the excitement.
Everyone can enjoy to celebrate this Cinco de
Mayo these quarantine drinks.
But before I tell you what they are, I want to remind everyone,
please be responsible.
If you start googling how to give yourself a tattoo
or build a firework, time to stop drinking, OK?
All right, this is the first one.
This is very, very easy.
And it involves one ingredient, and that is tequila.
What you do is, you get a shot glass
and you fill it all the way to the top.
I actually think I can fit more in there than that.
And if you want to feel like you're
riding a mechanical bull, you take a couple of these
and then you see how long you can stand on your Roomba
as it moves around.
That was good.
All right.
I lost an umbrella.
OK, here.
This next one is called Joe Exotic.
My umbrella keeps falling out.
OK, it's called Joe Exotic because, after a few of these,
you'll think it's a good idea to cut your own hair.
What it is, it's vodka, Lacroix, a little gin, a little more
vodka, a squeeze of lime juice, some maple syrup,
tiny bit of Tabasco.
What it is, it's shocking, confusing,
and it will make all the little hairs on your mullet stand up.
And since it's classy, what I like to do
is I like to serve it on a toilet paper square.
OK?
All right?
Now this one right here, mop Mary came up with.
It's called Mary-garita, OK?
And all you have to do is, you mix--
you get some ice and any of your kid's juice boxes
and then lots and lots of tequila.
And it goes down fast and only burns a tiny bit,
like Mary's rash.
That's why we call it Mary-garita.
All right.
Now you've heard of rum and coke.
I came up with this.
It's rum and joke.
And what you do is you get rum.
I prefer-- well, I prefer moonshine.
But rum and whatever the drink is, and then Coca-Cola.
Any kind of Coca-Cola around.
And then you pour a bunch of rum in the glass
and then you serve it with a little joke on the side.
And here's the joke right now.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andy?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get more than six feet away.
[LAUGH]
And then you drink to forget the joke.
All right?
This last one is the Long Isolation Tea.
Long Isolation Iced Tea I should--
like a Long Island Tea, but it's a Long Isolation Iced Tea.
And it's any liquor that you can find.
It's gin, tequila, rum, Whiteclaw, whatever.
And it's called the Long Isolation Iced Tea
because it'll actually make this quarantine feel shorter,
because you'll lose an entire day.
You'll just pass out.
Those are some quarantine drinks that you
can make safely to celebrate Cinco de Mayo from home.