TWO VERY LONG YEARS AGO, OUR
FIRST GUEST LEFT US TO FEND FOR
OURSELVES.
BUT HE'S BACK, THANK GOODNESS,
WITH A NEW SHOW ON NETFLIX AND A
VERY FURRY FACE.
ON SUNDAY, HE WILL RECEIVE THE
MARK TWAIN PRIZE AT THE KENNEDY
CENTER.
PLEASE WELCOME DAVID LETTERMAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE.
>> I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE FAMOUS
PEOPLE AGAIN.
JUST TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
AND PAUL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU
WORK HERE NOW.
>> I WAS AFRAID TO TELL YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: HE GOES BY BRITTNEY
NOW.
>> HOW ARE YOU AND THANK YOU,
EVERYBODY, VERY NICE.
>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT A MAN WHO IS
LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE, CRYING
ON THE INSIDE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HAD THIS
PROBLEM FOR A YEAR.
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING HIGH AND
LOW.
I AM DETERMINED TO FIND A SHIRT
THAT LOOKS GOOD UNTUCKED.
I CAN'T FIND ONE.
>> Jimmy: I THINK THERE'S A
WEBSITE.
>> COULD IT BE THAT HARD?
>> Jimmy: IS THIS SUIT YOU'RE
WEARING FROM THE LATE SHOW?
OR IS THIS SOMETHING YOU HAD TO
GO OUT AND GET ON YOUR OWN?
>> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
CAN I TALK TO YOU, JIMMY?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, SURE.
TALK.
>> YOU KNOW ME, I'M A CELEBRITY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
AND WHEN STUFF HAPPENS, JUST TO
GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE, I'LL START
SLOW.
MANY IT'S, MANY, MANY YEARS AGO
MY NIECE GOT MARRIED.
WHEN YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED, YOU
WANT LIKE A BIG THING AND A
HONEYMOON AND A REHEARSAL DINNER
AND ALL THAT CRAP, AND PRESENTS.
SO I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD AND
SAID I HAVE TO GET BIG
IMPRESSIVE PRESENTS BECAUSE I AM
THE TOP STAR OF THE DAY.
I FIGURED IT OUT AND YOU GET A
SET OF TIRES.
AND YOU WRAP THEM UP
INDIVIDUALLY SO YOU HAVE FOUR
ENORMOUS GIFTS.
AND THEY'RE TIRES.
SO I THOUGHT, WELL, THIS IS
FANTASTIC.
MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
WHO CARES IF THEY WON THEM OR IF
THEY USE THEM?
AND THEN I THINK ONE TIME,
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN SHOW BUSINESS
AND YOU WOULD GET THE JOKE, I
SAID TO YOU, TIES.
>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T TAKE IT AS A
JOKE AND IN FACT I WILL WEARING
ONE OF THE TIES.
>> THAT'S A BEAUTY.
THAT ONE SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE
OUT.
>> Jimmy: YOU SENT ME A FEW DAYS
AFTER YOU LEFT THE LATE SHOW,
ALL OF YOUR TIES.
I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
AND I AM STILL DELIGHTED.
>> AND ONE TIME MY AGENT'S SON
WAS HAVING A BAR MITZVAH, SENT
HIM A PACK OF CIGARETTES.
IT IS ONLY A JOKE.
WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT.
YOU UNDERSTAND IT.
THE KID UNDERSTOOD IT.
EVERYBODY DID.
SO A COUPLE YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS
EITHER FIRED OR I RETIRED.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> ALL A BLUR NOW.
AND PEOPLE WERE MINDLESSLY
SAYING NICE THINGS ABOUT ME.
YOU WERE EFFUSIVE.
>> Jimmy: YES, YES.
>> BY THE WAY, FOR THE PURPOSE
OF THIS CONVERSATION, I HAVE
NOTHING BUT THE HIGHEST REGARD
FOR ALL THE TALK SHOW MEN AND
TALK SHOWS.
EVEN JIMMY FALLON.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S NICE.
YEAH.
>> SO PEOPLE WERE SAYING NICE
THINGS SO I SAID, AND CONAN
O'BRIAN WHO IS LIKE SOME SORT OF
GOD ON MT. OLYMPUS.
HE RUNS AROUND TELLING PEOPLE HE
WENT TO HARVARD.
WE DON'T KNOW.
SO HE GOES ON MY OLD SHOW, THE
STEPHEN COLBERT SHOW.
>> Jimmy: ON FRIDAY.
>> HE WROTE SOMETHING THAT WAS
JUST BEAUTIFUL.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
>> THE THING CONAN WROTE FOR
YOU?
>> YEAH.
>> NO, I DON'T REMEMBER IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> I HAPPENED TO SEE THIS.
TONIGHT ON JIMMY'S SHOW, HE IS
TALKING TO AN AGENT VAGRANT.
>> THE VIEWER GUIDE WILL SAY
THAT.
>> SO ANY WAY, CONAN, THIS
BEAUTIFUL THING.
AND I THOUGHT THIS IS THE
PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO SEND A
[ BLEEP ] SHOW BUSINESS HE GIFT.
SO I THOUGHT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT
I'LL DO?
I'LL SEND HIM A HORSE.
THING HOLLYWOOD YOU CAN GET
LIVESTOCK AND STUFF FOR SHOWS.
AND I GET A COUPLE OF COWBOYS
AND I'LL SEND HIM OUT A HORSE.
AND THE IDEA WILL BE THAT HE'LL
HAVE THE HORSE ON THE SHOW AND
THE HORSE WILL TAKE A DUMP ON
THE SHOW AND IT WILL BE
HILARIOUS.
ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?
>> Jimmy: IT IS HILARIOUS TO
SEND SOMEONE A HORSE.
YEAH.
>> SO LIKE TWO OR THREE DAYS
LATER, I REALIZED, OH, NO,
THINGS HAVE GONE TERRIBLY WRONG.
I GET THIS LOVELY LETTER FROM
CONAN SAYING, MY WIFE LOVES THE
HORSE AND SHE IS GOING TO KEEP
THE HORSE BECAUSE SHE IS AN
ETRES TREEAN.
I'M PRESBYTERIAN.
ARE YOU JEWISH?
>> NO.
>> SO NOW I'M SCREWED BECAUSE I
WAS COUNTING ON HER RETURNING
THE HORSE AND I WOULD GET MY
MONEY BACK.
>> Jimmy: CAN YOU RETURN A
HORSE?
>> OH, YEAH.
A TERRIBLE DISCOUNT.
SO I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT
IT UNTIL CONAN SHOWS UP ON THE
LATE SHOW THAT I USED TO BE ON
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND NOW HE'S LOST HIS MIND.
DID YOU SEE IT?
>> Jimmy: I DID.
>> WAS HE LIKE A CRAZY MAN?
>> Jimmy: NOT ONLY DID I SEE IT
BUT HE COMPLAINED TO ME
PERSONABLY THE HORSE.
>> LIKE IT'S MY FAULT?
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU DID SEND HIM
THE HORSE IN ALL FAIRNESS.
>> IT WAS A JOKE.
TAKE A DUMP ON THE STAGE.
LOAD HIM UP AND GET HIM BACK.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
YOU DON'T THINK THE HORSE KNEW
WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?
NOT MY PROBLEM.
SO NOW I DIDN'T SEE IT.
FROM WHAT I INFER, AS CONAN WILL
NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE HORSE.
AND THE HORSE HAS GONE CRAZY.
SOMETHING HAPPENED.
MAYBE IT'S BEEN AROUND CONAN ALL
DAY.
>> Jimmy: THE HORSE IS SAID TO
BE UNRIDEABLE.
>> OF COURSE HE IS UNRIDEABLE.
ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS TAKE A DUMP
ON THE STAGE.
SO NOW HE'S COMPLAINING LIKE THE
MAY BE LITIGATION.
AND MAYBE I'LL GET A CALL FROM
PETA.
AND APPARENTLY HE BROKE INTO
CONAN'S MANSION?
>> Jimmy: THE HORSE BROKE INTO
HIS MANSION?
THAT I DIDN'T HEAR.
>> AND ONE OF CONAN'S SERVANTS
WAS KICKED IN THE HEAD.
>> Jimmy: OH, BOY, THAT'S NO
GOOD.
>> SO IF YOU RUN INTO CONAN, IT
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE.
HOW CRAZY CAN THE HORSE BE?
>> Jimmy: HORSES CAN BE CRAZY.
I DON'T WANT TO DEFEND CONAN.
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE
DEFENDING HIM.
>> Jimmy: BOTTOM LINE, YOU NEED
A BETTER GIFT.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT IS NOT KICKING ANYBODY IN THE
HEAD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> FOR THE SAKE OF THIS, IF I
HAD SENT YOU THE HORSE, THERE
WOULD BE NONE OF THIS, MY WIFE
LOVES IT.
WE'RE KEEPING THE HORSE.
I MEAN HE HAS A HALF ACHOR IN
STUDIO CITY.
WHERE IS HE GOING TO KEEP THE
DAMN HORSE?
>> Jimmy: I THINK THAT'S THE
QUESTION HE WAS ASKING TOO.
>> THE POINT IS NO GOOD DEED
GOES UNPUNISHED.
>> Jimmy: WHEN IN DOUBT, AN
EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT IS A NICE
GIFT.
DAVID LETTERMAN IS HERE WITH US.
>> Jimmy: DAVID LETTERMAN IS IN
THE GUEST CHAIR.
>> AGAIN, I'M HERE BUT EVERYBODY
HERE USED TO WORK FOR ME.
HOW DID I END UP WITHOUT A SHOW?
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE MORE THAN
WELCOME TO HAVE THIS ONE.
>> THEN NO ONE WOULD HAVE A --
WELL, WE WOULD BE DOWN TO JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: TELL ME ABOUT THE
NETFLIX SHOW IF YOU WOULD.
WILL THERE BE A STUDIO AUDIENCE
FOR THE SHOW?
>> THESE GOOD QUESTIONS.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?
LIKE DO YOU HAVE A MOVIE YOU
LIKE?
>> Jimmy: SPIDERMAN.
>> SO YOU CALL THEM UP.
THEY HAVE AWARE HOUSE SOMEWHERE.
AND SOMEBODY GOES THROUGH AND
THEY FINDS SPIDERMAN.
THEY GET THE DISK IS THAT THEY
PUT IN IT AN ENVELOPE WITH YOUR
NAME ON IT AND THEY SHOOT HIM.
>> Jimmy: NETFLIX ISN'T DOING
THAT ANYMORE.
>> THEY'RE NOT?
>> Jimmy: THERE'S A WHOLE NEW
WALLOW OVER.
>> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
THAT.
IT INCREASES THE POSSIBILITY OF
ELECTROCUTION IN YOUR OWN HOLE.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE A TITLE
FOR THE SHOW?
>> NO.
BUT WE'RE LOOKING FOR
INTERESTING GUESTS.
>> Jimmy: I HEARD YOU ASKED
HOWARD STERN.
>> YEAH, I THINK HE WOULD BE
GOOD.
HE SEEMS TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
AND ANY TIME YOU CAN GET HOWARD
TO BE NERVOUS, I THINK YOU'VE
ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING.
>> Jimmy: YOU MENTIONED YOU
WOULD WELCOME DONALD TRUMP AND
THE POPE TOGETHER WOFLT THAT BE
TOGETHER OR SEPARATE?
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHO WE GOT.
YOU KNOW THE WHCOMMERCIAL WHERE
THE GUY SAW AS BOAT IN HALF AND
WE'VE GOT HIS BROTHER.
>> SO WE'RE ALL SET TO GO.
>> Jimmy: THIS EVENT AT KENNEDY
CENTER THAT'S HAPPENING, ARE YOU
FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE NOW?
ACCEPTING MORE ACCOLADES?
>> NO, NO, IT IS A FIXED FIGHT.
THEY HAVE TO HAVE SOMEBODY SHOW
UP AND I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
SO I SAID I'LL BE THERE.
AND BY THE WAY, THANK YOU FOR
YOUR PARTICIPATION.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR ASKING
ME.
I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEVASTATED IF
YOU HAVEN'T.
I ALMOST FELT LIKE YOU ASKED ME
BECAUSE YOU KNEW HOW UPSET I
WOULD BE IF I WERE EXCLUDED FROM
THE EVENT.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT IT.
>> Jimmy: THIS NETWORK?
EVENTUALLY, SURE.
>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?
>> Jimmy: ALMOST 15 YEARS.
IT WILL BE 15 YEARS IN JANUARY.
TIME TO GO?
>> NO.
YOU'RE RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT TO
BE NOW.
>> Jimmy: I GUESS SO.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MISS IT?
>> NO -- NO -- SOME PARTS.
I MISS WEARING MAKE-UP.
>> Jimmy: SURE.
THAT'S THE BEST.
DO YOU LIKE THE BAND OR NOT?
>> IT'S A TERRIFIC BAND AND WE
GET TO WEAR MAKE-UP AND PLAY
MUSIC.
WE HAVE IT MADE UP HERE.
>> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU THINK THE
OLD BAND THINKS SEEING YOU GUYS?
>> ABSOLUTELY PISSED.
>> Jimmy: I'VE HEARD YOU SAY
YOU'RE AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT
PERSON.
>> I AM.
THANK GOD BECAUSE THE GREAT
STRUGGLE IN LIFE IS TO BE BETTER
EACH AND EVERY DAY.
AND IF YOU TAKE A LOOK AROUND
THE HORIZON OF HUMIDANITY, IS
THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO BIG OR
SMALL TO MAKE THE LIFE OF ONE
PERSON A LITTLE THE BIBETTER?
AND THAT'S NO SMALL
ACCOMPLISHMENT.
ANYWAY, I'M PROFILING FOR YOU
WHAT LIFE AFTER -- WAS I FIRED
OR RETIRED?
>> Jimmy: RETIRED.
YOU RETIRED.
THERE WAS A WHOLE THING.
THERE WAS A SHOW AND EVERYONE
PAID TRIBUTE.
>> OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANY
OF THAT?
>> NO.
>> HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF ON
TELEVISION?
>> NO.
I WON'T WATCH THIS SHOW TONIGHT.
NOT BECAUSE OF YOU.
BECAUSE OF ME.
DO YOU WATCH YOURSELF ON TV?
>> Jimmy: NEVER, EVER, EVER.
WHEN I SEE MYSELF, I CHANGE
CHANNEL.
>> IT'S TOO AWKWARD.
I WAS IN COLORADO AND I'M LOST.
HOPELESSLY LOST.
AND I SEE A THING.
A COFFEE SHOP.
BUT NOT A COFFEE SHOP.
IT IS LIKE BEANS AND THINGS OR
WHATEVER THEY CALL IT.
SO I REMEMBER SEEING THAT ON MY
DRIVE FROM THE AIRPORT SO I KNOW
I'M IN THE GENERAL VICINITY OF
THE AIRPORT.
SO I WALK IN.
I'M NOT WEARING A SUIT BUT I'M
CLOTHED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I KNOW I BRING THIS ON
MYSELF BECAUSE OF THE BEARD.
YOU HAVE A BEARD YOURSELF.
ARE PEOPLE OUT ALL THE TIME
ABOUT SHAVING?
>> Jimmy: NO.
THEY LIKE MINE.
IT'S KEMPT.
>> I LOOK LIKE A CIVIL WAR
STATUE.
>> Jimmy: THERE'S TALK ABOUT
GETTING IT REMOVED.
>> I HAVE BEEN REMOVED.
>> I HEARD THAT, PAUL, IT'S NOT
FUNNY.
SO I GO INTO THE STORE AND I SAY
I'M LOST.
I'M LOOKING FOR THE AIRPORT.
SHE SAYS OH, SURE.
I SAY CAN YOU JUST JOT DOWN SOME
INSTRUCTIONS?
SURE.
BE HAPPY TO.
SO SHE WRITES IT OUT.
GO DOWN HERE A HALF MILE.
IT WILL BE ANDERSON STREET.
TURN RIGHT ON ANDERSON STREET.
THEN YOU GO TO DEEP VALLEY OR
SOME COLORADO NAME.
AND THEN YOU GO TO PINE VALLEY.
ALL THE WAY UP TO SKI HILL.
SO I'M LOOKING AT THEM.
SHE'S GOT LIGHTS AND SPEED
LIMITS.
A WONDERFUL BIT OF DIAGRAMMING.
AND A LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN.
AND I SAID THIS IS FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU.
YOU'VE SAVED MY LIFE.
AND I SAID HOW LONG WILL THIS
TAKE ME TO GET THERE?
AND SHE LOOKS AT ME.
AND I'M LIKE THIS MORE OR LESS.
AND SHE SAYS, ARE YOU WALKING?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
I'M WALKING.
I'M WALKING TO THE AIRPORT.
>> Jimmy: DAVE, I AM SO GRATEFUL
FOR YOU BEING HERE TONIGHT.
I DO HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
>> I DON'T WANT IT.
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE IT OUTSIDE.
>> I DON'T WANT IT.
>> Jimmy: I THINK YOU'LL LIKE
IT.
IT IS A BABY BULL.
>> WHAT IS IT?
>> Jimmy: A BABY BULL.
HE'S BEEN WANDERING BROOKLYN AND
NOW HE'S ALL YOURS.
>> I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE THE
[ BLEEP ] BULL.
DO I LEAVE NOW?
>> Jimmy: WE'LL HAVE PAUL --