(intense whooshing music)
- Welcome to "Bless your Rank."
My name is Matt and today we're rankin' peanut butters.
Oh boy. I can't wait.
Gonna be real sticky.
We're gon' get ants for sure in the studio.
Gonna make only one nuts joke.
Only one. It's gonna be good.
Don't know what it's gonna be yet,
but I'll know when the time is right.
I'll feel it deep down in my
(upbeat banjo music)
Soul.
Wadn't gonna do it there. Thought I was, I wadn't goin' to.
I'm a classy guy.
I am a c (Matt stuttering)
I'm a creamy peanut butter guy,
only because the rest of my house
is a creamy peanut butter guy.
Here's the thing,
what we're lookin' for today is tastiness.
I don't know what else there is to do with peanut butter.
Just gotta taste good.
This is how the peanut butters will be tasted today.
I thought about this.
What was the best method?
Should I go Winnie-the-Pooh,
just hand in the jar, like that?
Shirt, no pants.
Then I thought, what if I did the Alabama Lunchable,
which is container of peanut butter
and sleeve of Ritz crackers?
But then I thought, no,
the way I enjoy peanut butter now,
take a piece of bread, throw some peanut butter on there,
fold the bread in half, boom, peanut butter sammy.
So let's get our utensils out for today's "Bless Your Rank,"
which is just gonna be bread.
So let's get goin'.
"It's a Southern Thing"
"Bless Your Rank" your peanut butter.
Is peanut butter a southern thing?
Yes. I'm claiming it now.
If you think about it, of course it is.
Peanuts were invented by George Washington Carver,
and butter is extracted from the sweat of Paula Deen.
Peanut butter. So yeah, it is a southern thing.
Alright. (Matt yelling) Here we go.
Competitor number one.
Ah, Skippy.
This is a peanut butter that I forget exists.
I don't know who eats this,
I've actually have never been over
to somebody's house and opened their pantry,
as I do anytime I go to someone's house,
it's customary for me to greet you at the door, handshake,
go to your pantry, open it up,
say whether or not I will stay here or not based
on the foods you have.
And thankfully I've never seen Skippy.
I wouldn't know what to do if I saw it in there,
yet it exists, yet there are people buying it I presume,
and stores continue to stock it.
I'm excited to try it.
I mean, I feel like this is one of those
that could blow my mind and it could be like,
Matt, why have you been missin' out on Skippy all this time?
I like the label. I mean, it's super fun.
It screams early 2000s to me for some reason,
I don't know why it's givin' me those vibes.
Skippy, fuel the fun.
(jar popping)
Oh, that's fun.
(upbeat music)
Skippy, feel free to use that for a commercial.
I would say this feels a little bit heavier
on the actual peanut smell.
I think when I smell this I can actually smell peanuts.
What a wild concept.
Let's make ourselves a little PB sammy here.
I hate these things. I hate these things.
These things, nothing makes me feel stupid more
than the bread tie.
Am I the only one that once you get goin'
it feels like it changes direction on you?
Okay, I'm the only one that does that?
Okay, oh God.
Whoop. Here we go, Skippy time.
I'm gonna just go pie right in the middle like a mad man.
Skippy.
Mm. It's pretty good.
It's not as sweet as I thought it would be.
Texture is nice, not gritty in the slightest bit.
Completely smooth.
Boy, is this a real stick
to your roof of the mouth peanut butter here.
This is trying to silence me, but I refuse to be silenced.
Hey, you can't shut this guy down.
This is pretty good. I've been sleepin' on Skippy.
This is a solid peanut butter.
How my whole life I've just been overlookin' Skippy
and thinkin' who is this for?
This is a good peanut butter.
Apologies to y'all that were Skippy super fans
that were sitting here watchin' me knock Skippy,
act like it's some inferior brand,
and here it is.
It is truly fuelin' the fun right now.
Are you havin' fun? 'Cause I'm havin' a blast.
It's pretty good.
This is gonna be a wild ride of a "Bless your Rank,"
me tryin' new peanut butters for the first time.
Skippy, this is dad gum delicious
and I could, dare I say,
this is gonna be a battle for first place today.
I wish that it had just a little bit more peanut flavor,
that's the only bad thing I could say about it.
Delicious. First place so far, Skippy.
(jar thudding)
(upbeat banjo music)
I'm excited about this one. Here we go.
This is a peanut butter I've never tried before.
Competitor number two.
Nope. No, not you.
You. Justin's classic peanut butter spread.
Okay, well, first impressions,
this looks a little bit different.
It's not quite as satisfying
as the ski (Matt sniffing) skip (Matt sniffing) Skippy.
Smells good I keep gettin' distracted.
(Matt sniffing)
- [Crew Member] You got it. (Matt gasping)
- Little Pavlovian response there.
(Matt muttering deeply)
Alright, I'm done. Peanut butter time.
I have a feelin' that it's gonna be really good.
I just get that feelin' 'cuz there was so much of it
on the shelf at Publix and it was expensive.
And usually that's how things work at Publix,
the stuff that gets a lot of shelf space
that I have not seen in my local Piggly Wiggly,
are usually things that taste delicious.
Justin's peanut butter. And away we go.
(upbeat banjo music)
Oh.
It's like I'm eating glue.
Is this supposed to be creamy?
'Cause it feels like it can't decide
if it wants to be creamy or chunky.
(crew members laughing)
I did not think this,
I did not bring enough liquids for today.
Dr. Pepper is my water.
Well, I don't like that.
I thought it was gonna be good.
I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
I don't know who this is for. Who's eating this?
Taste is weird. Doesn't even taste like peanut butter.
I don't know what to describe it.
It's like a paste. It's like an orange paste.
It tastes like I was eating something
that I should use to caulk windows with.
You ever ate something like fudge
where the sugar didn't fully
absorb into the fudge
so it's a little crystallized in there?
That's what that peanut butter tastes like.
Justin's gonna be like,
"This is the purest form of peanut butter
'cuz it is just nuts."
Well, you know what Justin? I think you're nuts.
(Matt and crew laughing)
That's not the nut joke that I was gonna use by the way,
that'll come later.
Second place.
(jar thumping)
Not good. Don't want it ever again.
Don't buy it.
(Matt sighing)
Let's lift my spirits up.
Let's go. You know what? We're good.
We got (Matt stammering) we got this.
Anything could happen.
(upbeat country music) Competitor number three.
Jif. This has gotta be the most popular brand in America.
I mean, I haven't seen a poll on that,
but I just know that there's a lot of Jif on the shelf,
like more than any other brand.
I could just go ahead and tell you this
is gon' be pretty good.
This good peanut butter.
Was there an issue with the pronunciation
of Jif at some point?
Were people calling a gif?
People weren't calling this gif were they?
No, but they use this as a reference
for how you pronounce graphic somethin' interface,
you know, the little, the gif, the gif jifs on the internet.
The little reaction gif jif.
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
Choosy moms choose Jif. That was a thing. I remember that.
But my mom chose Peter Pan. She a good mom.
I don't know if she's very choosy.
(Matt squeaking)
Choosy moms need to choose better packaging.
(Matt grunting)
Why do I find so much pleasure in that.
Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Boom, boom.
This is a good smelling peanut butter.
(Matt sniffing)
You can make an air freshener of this.
Do they make peanut butter air fresheners?
'Cause that would be. A peanut butter candle.
Put a wick in this. Light it.
Peanut butter smell fills the room, I guess,
I don't know how candles work.
Ah. (Matt sniffing)
Ah.
(Matt sniffing) Ah, I'm sorry.
I just love the smell of peanut butter.
Also, this doesn't expire until 2024.
(Matt laughing)
Oh.
Oh. I'll be, I'll be 38 years old.
I'll be old.
(Matt laughing)
I'll be so old.
Looks like a wise owl.
Hoo.
(Matt chuckling)
That's a good peanut butter.
That's doin' all the things you want peanut butter to do,
which is get right up there on the roof of your mouth
and hang out for a long time.
I wanted to come outta here sayin',
"Ooh, Skippy might be the best. Discovered somethin' new."
But once I got ahold of that Jif y'all,
that's just good peanut butter.
That's just doin' what peanut butter does.
And that's just be dad gum delicious. Man, that does.
It gets me excited, makes me wanna shake my shoulders,
but they can't really shake 'em right now.
I don't know why.
Everything feels a little broken.
Also, I gotta poop.
(Matt and crew laughing)
I gotta say I got peanut butter all over my lips.
(Matt smacking lips)
Yeah, things are gettin' sticky.
It's pretty much identical to Skippy
on every category except sweetness
and it just barely has the nudge above Skippy there.
Skippy might be better in some situations than Jif.
I think if you're doing a peanut butter jelly sandwich,
Skippy might be your go-to here
because it's not quite as sweet
so it gives the jelly an opportunity to shine.
But Jif, if you're eatin' just peanut butter on crackers
or peanut butter just a spoon full of it,
or peanut butter sammy, Jif is gon' be your winner.
And so for that reason, beating it in more categories,
Jiffy is first.
Jif is first. Jiffy.
We're friends, so that's my little nickname for it.
(Matt smacking lips)
Here we go.
(tongue sloshing)
Competitor number four.
Creamy Reese's, or Reesee's.
I'm gonna try to do my best to pronounce it the way
that apparently it's supposed to be, which is Reese's.
But, for my entire life in my neck of the woods
it's been called Reesee's.
I don't know how that happened.
I don't know why
in my neck of the woods people say MacDonald's
instead of McDonald's.
Or walmarts, or dollar gentral,
we put a whole 'nother letter.
We put two extra letters in Dollar General for some reason.
And you're gonna go in the comments,
you're gonna be like "Why is that redneck sayin' Reesee's?
That's not how it-" Shut up.
You shut your mouth.
I don't know how long it's been around,
I've only known of it's existence a couple years ago,
but I've never bought it to put on a sandwich with anything.
But I tell you what, this looks good.
Also, I remember it bein' super sweet,
but lookin' at the back of this,
it has the same amount of sugar.
It's the same amount of calories.
Same amount of sodium as Jif.
So I really don't know what's goin' on in my mind.
Ah, Reesee peanut butter.
Mm. This is gonna be good. I know it.
(upbeat goofy music)
Hm.
Actually, not as good as I thought it would be.
I don't know, there's just some kinda aftertaste about it.
Kind of falls flat.
Really sweet in the beginning, but doesn't continue sweet,
the flavor kind of dips down into this weird,
almost like imitation peanut flavor.
Kinda underwhelming.
Now I'm just kinda sad.
I was just really expectin' this
to just knock my old socks off.
Instead the socks are stayin' firmly on my feet.
Yeah. I'm not impressed.
I would definitely not wanna grab this
and make a sandwich out of it.
It's gotta have somethin' else sweet with it.
I don't think by itself that it's fantastic.
I've never seen anybody like,
"I'm gonna make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
and they grab the Reesee peanut butter.
But I'm sure now that I've said that,
someone in the comments is like
"Ooh buddy, I do that every day."
It's just okay.
It's better than Justin's,
but it is not better than Skippy and Jif.
Reesee's peanut butter, best with other sweet things.
Careful if you're doin' it by itself.
(jar thumping)
Third place.
We're roundin' the last corner.
We got two left, here is competitor number five.
Blast from my past.
- [Crew Member] You got about two inches.
- It is Peter Pan peanut butter.
Peter Pan, Peter pair, Peter pa peanut butter.
Peter Pan peanut butter
Peter Pan peanut butter. Peter Pan peanut butter.
It's fun to say.
If I'm rankin' fun things to say on "Bless your Rank,"
Peter Pan peanut butter probably number one
of all the things that ever ranked.
All 753 of 'em.
Peter Pan peanut butter.
Look at, that's a fun little, this is a ranking again,
the tops of the peanut butter.
Look, Peter Pan's all over it.
Isn't that just fun?
This is a little fun.
Let's see if it opens easily.
(paper ripping)
It doesn't.
Same thing happened again.
Why are these so hard to open?
You didn't even think about those
of us who don't have fingernails.
This looks the most oily on top, the most separated,
but not completely separate,
it's not like a pool of oil that I can scrape off
like some of the other ones
Although I don't think you're supposed to,
I think you're supposed to mix it back up.
This is actually 200 calories,
so it is comin' in a little bit higher than Jif
and Skippy and Reesee's.
It's got significantly less sodium.
Same amount of sugar. I'm not sure how it's doin' that.
Nope, more protein. More peanuts. More peanuts in it I bet.
It's gotta be good then. I'm excited.
I'm ready to get back in. It's gon' be like childhood.
It's gon' be little Matt eatin' a PB and J
at grandma's house.
(children laughing) She lived next door to me.
There's a lil' bitty trail you can go through,
like the little bit of the woods that you go
to grandma's house?
That's Walker County right there, baby.
I like the consistency of this.
Feels like perfect consistency of peanut butter.
It's not too thick. It's not too runny.
Just right, said Mattylocks the bear.
We also made up our own stories in Walker County,
'cuz books were banned.
Here we go.
Look, it's not runny, but it's not as thick.
The other stuff was like paste.
This feels like if I held it up here long enough,
maybe in four hours it will separate.
So, that's somethin'.
That's something of note. Here we go.
Peter Pan peanut butter. Here we go.
(angelic music)
I like it.
I like it a lot.
However, I do kinda miss the sweetness that Jif has.
And I actually, now that I'm thinkin' about it,
the runniness of it.
I don't know, this will make a very sloppy PB and J sandwich
because this is runny on top of the jelly that's already
just trying to separate itself into liquid.
You throw this in the mix,
and that's PB and J that definitely gets on your shirt.
This might be the go-to peanut butter
for dipping crackers in.
Your cracker's not gonna break in this peanut butter.
This is tough.
I don't know, I feel like I like Skippy better,
I feel like I gotta put this in third place.
But it has a use, and that's for binging.
When you reach your lows
and you just wanna dig into a jar
of peanut butter with whatever.
Don't stop at crackers, stick a banana
in a jar of peanut butter and see what happens.
Stick your hand in there.
Get wild with it. It's America, baby.
And honestly, I think that's one of the things
that makes America great;
freedom to put whatever you want in peanut butter.
If that don't make you wanna stand up and salute an eagle,
then I dunno what will.
Also, where are the eagles?
I haven't seen an eagle in a long time.
Used to be everywhere.
Peter Pan peanut butter, third place, or third pla.
I feel like that's probably more representative
of how I feel the divide is right here.
(Matt squeaking)
(Matt mocking pit stop)
(Matt beeping)
(Matt rolling tongue) Bop. Bop. Bop.
(table thumping)
And lastly, competitor number six is.
(stool squeaking)
Ah.
(stool squeaking)
- Smucker's Natural.
- [Crew Member] Smacked.
Especially when you made that face.
(Matt laughing) Exceptional.
- Don't do anything weird with that on the internet.
(Crew member laughing)
I trust y'all.
(sensual music)
Smucker's. I have never had this.
It's also the only one that is a natural type,
but not the organic, 'cause there was two,
they were side by side
and I don't know what the difference would be.
Here's the absolute best part,
and this would be the only ASMR channel
I would ever subscribe to.
And that is lid poppin'.
Y'all ready for this? This is gonna be so satisfying.
This is the reward for waiting so long. You ready?
It's comin. It's comin, I promise.
It didn't actually pop.
- [Crew Member] Awe.
- Has this been tampered with? Why didn't you pop?
Why didn't you pop? That's all I wanted was a pop.
All right, down hatch. Peanut butter juice.
That would be awful. I wonder what it's like.
Should I? No? Don't do it.
But. No.
Eh, no. Alright, here we go.
Gotta mix it together 'cause that's what you have to do
when you buy a natural peanut butter.
They don't actually do the job for you,
but yet you pay more for it
and you have to finish the process at home.
This looks like what I just did in that bath-
(color bar beeping)
(crew member laughing)
(Matt blowing raspberries)
We'll be here a while.
(soft music)
We're almost there folks. Don't worry.
The magic of the internet I'm sure this
is speeding it up for you,
but just know that in real time I've been stirring this
for six days.
Should not be this difficult to eat peanut butter.
Just wanna open a jar and eat peanut butter.
(Matt muttering statickly)
(Matt sighing)
(Matt muttering statickly)
Still is.
(Matt groaning)
Let's just eat it.
Competitor number six; Smucker's peanut juice.
(plane whining)
(plane crashing)
Who eats this stuff?
Alright, Smucker's peanut butter.
You know there's the three states of matter;
gas, liquid, solid, but there's the fourth
which is what, jello?
Plasma. This is peanut butter plasma.
Here we go.
Oh. That was gritty. Why is it? Uh uh.
Alright, last place Smucker's natural peanut butter.
(jar thudding)
(straw slurping)
Okay, explain this to me real quick.
Who's buyin' this?
You think you're tryin' to be healthier?
This has got 190 calories.
That's the same as most of these.
Congrats, you played yourself. You got fooled by marketing.
Instead of gettin' good peanut butter,
you ate peanut butter slop.
(jar thudding)
Last place.
I hope this bankrupts the Smucker's company,
unless they're based out of the south.
Nope, Ohio. Death to Smucker's.
What did we learned today?
Well, we learned that Jif is fantastic.
I kind of already knew that,
but also learned that Skippy is pretty dad gum great too.
I mean, it is really close between Jif and Skippy.
Peter pan, good in some areas,
probably not the best in others.
Again, I would stick with the Reesee's
as something you use in desserts.
If you're making a sandwich,
ah, any of these would be better.
I don't think this should exist.
And I feel like this should not exist,
but also be illegal to possess, purchase, and just exist.
Yeah, this is pretty good.
Also, (Matt smacking lips)
I can still talk it.
It didn't cement my mouth shut. Fun times.
(soft upbeat music)
Hey!
Hey you, thanks for watchin' this video.
If you enjoyed this make sure
to click subscribe to our channel
so you can see even more episodes of "Bless your Rank."
And if you really, really like this,
then you should join the Potluck,
it's "It's a Southern Thing's" membership program
that gets you all kindsa cool stuff
like exclusive swag, discounts on merch,
behind the scenes looks at sketches we're makin',
you can even decide what I will be ranking
on the next episode of "Bless your Rank,"
like this right here, peanut butter,
was chosen by the members of the Potluck.
And you can decide what I'll eat next
as long as you promise that it's not salad, 'cuz I'll quit,
I will just straight up quit this job
and I'll go back to workin' for the government.
I won't, I'll never do that again. Never.