Carter is sitting at a restaurant with a large group of people—some friends, others strangers.
Everyone’s eating, talking, laughing, and having a good time, but Carter doesn’t feel
connected with them.
He feels lonely.
He wishes he was back home working on his business, because that would make him feel
less lonely than the people he’s surrounded by.
So what’s going on here?
What is the cause of Carter’s loneliness?
Carter’s loneliness didn’t arise due to a lack of company.
It arose due to a lack of connection with the world around him.
And if Carter understands this idea deeply, he can rid his mind of loneliness forever.
So what can Carter do to overcome loneliness and feel connected?
Carter can try getting the others to take an interest in him.
“Has anyone seen the new Marvel movie,” he asks.
He loves Marvel, and so he knows that if others share this interest with him, then he will
feel connected to them.
We feel connected to others when they take an interest in our interests.
We feel seen, heard, and understood.
Everyone shakes their heads.
No one’s seen it.
“Marvel movies are lame,” says one of the strangers at the table, a friend of a
friend of his.
“Yeah, I don’t like them either,” says his friend.
“Me neither,” says another stranger.
And suddenly, it seems like everyone around the table is in agreement: Marvel movies are
lame.
At first, this makes Carter feel even lonelier.
Not only does no one at the table share his interest, but they actively dislike what he
likes.
But then, Carter decides to flip his attitude.
Rather than getting them to take an interest in him, he decides to take an interest in
them.
“Why do you guys hate Marvel movies,” he asks.
“Because they’re all the same,” says the guy who initially called them lame.
“Why do you think that,” says Carter.
The guy goes on, giving his reasons.
“Well, what movies do you think are worth watching,” says Carter, interested in discovering
what movies a person could like more than Marvel ones.
And now the guy excitedly goes on, talking about all the movies he likes.
And as this conversation goes on, Carter stops feeling lonely, because he feels connected,
and he feels connected because he’s taking an interest in the world around him.
Where there’s interest, there’s connection, and where there’s connection, there’s
no loneliness.
And connection can come from two sources: from the world taking an interest in us or
by us taking an interest in the world.
Waiting for the world to take an interest in us is the root cause of loneliness.
If Carter waited for someone to ask him about Marvel movies or about some other interest
of his, he would probably end up feeling lonely for the entire dinner party.
On the other hand, taking an active interest in the world ends loneliness and creates connection.
As soon as Carter started taking an interest in the people around him, he got engaged in
the conversation and got them engaged too.
This allowed him to connect to the world and bring his loneliness to an end.
And by becoming someone who took an interest in the world around him, rather than passively
waiting for people to take an interest in him, Carter never felt lonely again, not even
when he was completely alone.
Because when he was alone, Carter would take an interest in other aspects of the world.
He would pay complete attention to something, like a painting, his work, or a piece of music,
and by taking complete interest in something, his mind never created a space for loneliness
to enter.
And taking an interest in the world around him was something that was always within his
control.
And truth be told, most people have a stronger need to receive interest from the world than
they do to give it.
So by becoming someone who found joy in taking an interest in the world around him, Carter
became incredibly rare but valuable.
He never felt lonely because he was always interested in something, and no one ever felt
lonely around him because he took an interest in them.
And on top of that, he had the added benefit of being in a constant state of
learning
and growing.