- I am not pleased your boyfriend is meeting us
for the first time to disrupt this delicate
house of cards that is our friendship.
- I am 80% happy for you and the other 20%
is depressed jealousy because I'm so alone.
- Oh, I am so nervous for my boyfriend
to meet you two disasters.
- Oh, something I read on the internet
that I don't have quite all the details for,
but if true, I find outrageous.
- Wow.
(phone buzzes)
- Oh, ah, going to meet my boyfriend outside
so he's less intimidated.
I am so disappointed that you're late.
- Oh, making up excuses about parking
and traffic that aren't true at all.
- 15 second summaries about my friends
and their backgrounds and words of encouragement
because I need to believe them myself.
- Oh, aggressive intimacy!
- If you impress me, I will be your biggest asset
in this relationship.
- Uh, we have nothing to talk about.
- Umm.
- Internally comparing you to all her ex-boyfriends.
- Oh, uh, politely asking what you do for work,
but I'm really checking to see if you're a deadbeat or not.
- Oversimplifying my job to the point of inaccuracy
just so you understand.
I know people like to talk about themselves.
- Oh, yeah.
Playing myself up.
Talking about all the activities I do
to distract from the gaping hole that is my life.
Launching into a detailed explanation of something
that nobody--
- Interrupting you because I feel like
a mediator and you tend to go on and on.
Robbie, cry me about something you love
'cause I need you to smile
and not look like such an asshole.
- Yeah, if you hurt her, I will kill you.
- Relating that to something I know about Kelsey
so you guys know I listen.
- Oh, positive things about Kelsey.
- Positive things about Kelsey.
- Ah, she's what we all have in common.
- Okay.
- Maneuvering into a conversation
about something I just read--
- [Together] On the internet.
- I was just talking about that.
- Well, then I'll try out a potentially offensive joke.
(laughing)
- Trying not to be a stick in the mud,
but definitely offended.
- I like you better now that I know you're a hater, too.
- Okay, defending Chris's joke.
- Trying not to seem to emotionally overworked by politics.
- Apologizing even though I totally don't mean it.
Oh, I'd like to get drunk in the morning.
- Joke at Kelsey's expense.
- I mean, joke at Kelsey's expense.
(laughing)
- Wondering why I hate you all.
- Negative things about Kelsey.
- No, negative things about Kelsey.
- Negative things about Kelsey.
(laughing)
- Trying not to seem outraged.
Glad you guys are all getting along.
- Alcohol.
- [All] Alcohol makes us friends.