(CAMERA FLASHES)
How's it goin'?
Look, Saturday was obviously not the result we wanted.
Ah, I've got a short statement I'd like to read
from the heart.
And then I'm happy to take questions.
I love this club.
(OFF-CAMERA) Yeah, Coach... Nah... Stu, there's more.
Just wait.
When I was a boy,
kicking legislation in the backyard with Dad,
I never dreamed I would one day be the coach
of the The Mighty Blue Ties.
To serve this club has been an honour and a privilege.
But we just got our arses handed to us,
which is why it is with a heavy heart I announce
I'm benching myself and resigning as coach,
effective immediately.
(OFF-CAMERA) On you, Coach!
I'd like to thank the club sponsors:
Rupert Murdoch, all the boys at News Limited –
you guys do a great job –
ah, the mining industry, and of course,
the Australian taxpayers for funding our
non-disclosure agreements and out-of-court settlements.
I want to thank the players, in particular,
the three captains I've had the pleasure of coaching:
Onion, Big Mal, and of course ScoMo,
without whom I would not be here today resigning.
To my wife, Trish, and our two boys,
Jobs and Growth, you're everything to me.
And Jobs, if you're watching,
Daddy's coming home.
I'd also like to thank everybody behind the scenes,
from Trev and his medical staff to the volunteers who
colour-coded our spreadsheets
to the empathy consultant who helped me write this speech.
Cry now. Oh, sorry.
You are the lifeblood of this club.
(PRETENDS TO CRY)
And finally and most importantly,
I want to thank the fans.
You know, we did our best to duck, weave, wedge,
rort, snort and pork barrel.
But I'm sorry we couldn't get it done for you.
Any questions?
(OFF-CAMERA) Yeah, Coach, where did it all go wrong?
Oh, look,
probably drilling a defenseless child to the ground
two days before the big match wasn't ideal.
But, yeah, I'll leave that to the match review.
(OFF-CAMERA) You definitely took a hit on climate.
Yeah, you could take that view.
I mean, looking back, we probably underestimated
how much people care about having a planet that sustains
human life.
So that's a key learning for us moving forward.
(OFF-CAMERA) So can we expect a change of direction
at the club?
Nup.
Well, you know, we lost all the players who
believe that stuff, and that's on you.
(OFF-CAMERA) Is it worrying that women have deserted
the club?
Yeah, well, sure.
But, you know, you gotta remember,
this loss really started in 1902 with universal suffrage.
(OFF-CAMERA) What?
Well, if you took women out of the voting bloc,
I think you'll find we did very well.
(OFF-CAMERA) Well, do you think your partisan attacks
on the states cost you out west?
Oh, look, I gotta to be careful what I say here.
Um, but... I hate WA.
Like, I was never a fan of them joining the
Federation to begin with.
I mean, if you remove WA and women from the voting bloc,
we blitzed it.
(OFF-CAMERA) What about younger voters?
OK, if you take millennials, women, WA, all of Victoria...
Like, if you took everyone who didn't vote for us
out of the picture, we were still in this game.
(OFF-CAMERA) So do you think you'll go into commentary?
What, and be one of you mongrels?
Yeah, no thanks.
No, but look, there is... there is somebody I think
I forgot to thank, and that is, um, Democracy,
you know, especially here in Australia.
'Cause after all that's said and done,
at the end of the match we meet in the middle,
we shake hands, and we say,
"Good game, mate."
And we don't say it was rigged.
We don't try and overturn the result.
We don't march on the capital.
I mean, there's just too many roundabouts.
You know, you'd just go in circles.
It's impractical anyway.
So to the Labor Rats can I say,
look after the country for me. She's a good one.
If there's no further questions,
for the final time, good hustle.
(CAMERA FLASHES AND CLAPPING)