MY NEXT GUEST'S NEW COMEDY SPECIAL PREMIERED TODAY ON EPIX.
PLEASE WELCOME TOM PAPA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.
GOOD JOB, EVERYBODY!
GOOD JOB!
YOU DID IT!
YOU'RE ALIVE!
ANOTHER DAY!
YOU MADE IT!
NOT A SMALL THING.
IT'S HARD BEING A PERSON, ISN'T IT?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S HARD.
ALL THE STUFF YOU'VE GOT TO DO JUST TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, JUST
THE PHYSICAL MAINTENANCE OF YOU.
ALL THE BRUSHING AND THE CLEANING AND THE WIPING OF YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE YOU'RE YOUR OWN PET.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SOME PEOPLE DON'T TAKE CARE
OF THEIR PET VERY WELL.
THEY'RE WALKING AROUND.
THEIR HAIR'S MESSED UP.
THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE THEY EAT RIGHT.
JUST THE CHECKLIST OF STUFF YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET OUT OF THE
HOUSE TO LOOK SOMEWHAT DECENT.
I SAW A GUY WALKING DOWN 6th AVENUE THISSING SUMMER, I'M
WALKING THE OTHER WAY, BUSINESSMAN, PERFECT-- SUIT,
TIE, LEATHER SHOES, BRIEFCASE, PERFECT GLASSES, PERFECT HAIR,
FLY OPEN, ONE TESTICLE OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST DIDN'T CHECK THAT ONE BOX.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST ON HIS WAY TO A MEETING.
PROBABLY ON HIS WAY BACK FROM A MEETING.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
THAT'S THE OTHER THING-- AS AN ADULT, NO ONE TELLS YOU.
THEY PROBABLY LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYE IN THAT MEETING.
"LOOK AT THIS GUY.
HE HAS NO IDEA.
I'M NOT GOING TO TELL HIM.
I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS.
I DON'T KNOW IF I PUT ON DEODORANT TODAY."
NO ONE TELLS YOU.
YOU'RE COMPLETELY ALONE.
WHEN YOU'RE LITTLE THEY TELL YOU,"HEY, ZIP UP YOUR FLY.
PUT ON CODE RANT.
BRUSH YOUR TEETH."
NO, YOU'RE TOTALLY ON YOUR OWN.
EVEN YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND WON'T TELL YOU.
YOU HAVE TO TALK TO YOURSELF ALL DAY LONG, GIVE YOURSELF LITTLE
PEP TALKS LUKE A CRAZY PERSON.
"I GOT MY WALLET, GOT MY CELL PHONE.
OKAY, I GOT MY KEYS.
OKAY, GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY."
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND A CRAZY PERSON IS THEY SAY
IT OUT LOUD ON THE STREET.
"I GOT MY WALLET!
GOT MY CELL PHONE!
IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY!" ( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM, "THIS GUY'S NUTS.
WE DON'T YELL LIKE THAT.
NO, WE DON'T.
WE'VE GOT OUR ACT TOGETHER.
WE SHOULD GET SOME ICE CREAM."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S HARD.
IT'S HARD BEING A PERSON.
EVEN MY iPHONE TURNED ON ME.
MY iPHONE, MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND IN THE WORLD IS NOW CAT
GEORGIZING PHOTOS ON ITS OWN.
IT CONSIDERS MY NORMAL FACE AND MY FAT FACE TO BE TWO DIFFERENT
PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY JUST TO
COUNT HOW MANY CHINS I HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A MESS.
MY FAMILY A MESS.
I HAVE A MEAN GIRL.
YEAR, I MADE A MEAN GIRL.
YEAH.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY EXISTED.
I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO MAKE ONE.
I FEEL GUILTY, YOU KNOW.
I'M FEEDING IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M KEEPING IT ALIVE.
I GIVE IT MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WHAT DO I DO, JUST CUT HER
OFF LIKE SHE'S A TERRORIST?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
SHE'S MY KID.
HOW DO I EVEN KNOW HOW BAD SHE REALLY IS.
SHE'S MY KID.
I'M SURE AT SOME POINT HITLER'S PARENTS MUST HAVE TURNED TO EACH
OTHER LIKE, "HE'S A LITTLE WEIRD, RIGHT?"
"YEAH, HE'S WEIRD.
HE'S SIX.
WHO HAS THAT MUSTACHE AT SIX."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S HARD.
AND, LOOK, YOU'RE DOING FINE.
DON'T THINK BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS HARD THAT YOU'RE STRUGGLING AND
IT'S GOING TO GET BETTER.
NO.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET BETTER.
NO.
I HAVEN'T EVEN MET YOU, AND I KNOW YOU'RE DOING FINE.
THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS.
BE CONTENT.
RIGHT, YOU SEE PEOPLE ON TV, FAME AND MONEY AND THINK, "OH,
IF I COULD GET LIKE THAT, THEN MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER."
NO, YOU'LL BE WORSE.
LOOK AT THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE IT.
THEY'RE NOT HAPPY.
BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA BREAKING UP.
THEY'RE BREAKING UP.
GOOD, THEY DESERVE IT.
THAT WAS ARROGANCE.
YOU DON'T PUT TWO PERFECT PEOPLE IN ONE MARRIAGE AND THINK IT'S
GOING TO WORK.
THAT IS ARROGANCE!
TOO MANY OPTIONS.
YOU COULD BE WITH ANYONE ON THE PLANET.
YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO LAST, YOU NEED A LITTLE FUNNY LOOKING
IN IT.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU NEED TO LOOK ACROSS THE
TABLE AND THINK, "WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO GO?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SERIOUSLY.
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND STUPID YOU THINK YOU WANT A SUPER MODEL.
NO, YOU MORON.
YOU DON'T WANT SOME BEAUTIFUL GIRL ASKING TO BE TAKEN TO
EUROPE.
YOU WANT A GIRL WITH A CROOKED EYE ASKING IF YOU'VE GOT JUMPER
CABLES.
YEAH, THAT'S A KEEPER.
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HIS SPECIAL, "HUMAN
MULE," IS AVAILABLE AT epix.com.
TOM PAPA, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.