- In this wedge, what would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Man In Crowd] Asparagus!
- Okay, asparagus is a food, and
(crowd laughs).
But, that's okay, ay!
It's late, we're not all paying attention.
(crowd laughs)
Luckily, before this person said asparagus,
a quiet voice in the back said, 'Popemobile',
which, who was that?
Who said that?
- He's not even on that side.
He's on that side.
- What, oh was he?
Oh, I'm sorry, its uh.
Well, sorry, fuck your suggestion mate.
(crowd laughs)
You got ratted out over there.
Someone like, 'nope, if we're gonna do it,
we're gonna do it properly Chris'.
(crowd laughs)
Popemobile's a good suggestion,
but it's not from that section.
Yes?
- [Women] Abby Road.
- Abby Road?
Feels like a very British-based heckle, just like,
'he's from there, I'll say it'.
Okay, Abby Road.
That's a very valid suggestion.
I like that suggestion.
Abby Road, thank you very much.
Sorry asparagus, and thank you very much
for keeping our community safe over there.
(crowd laughs)
Really, we can't have this.
And hey, I like Popemobile's suggestion,
but you know to be fair, you did transgress.
So,
(crowd laughs)
Abby Road from over there.
I'm gonna come to you guys.
Not you guys.
You guys over here.
Do you have a suggestion?
- [Woman In Crowd] Houndstooth clothing.
- Houndstooth clothing?
My gosh, you were shouting at Maronzio weren't you,
and I was like, 'she's very drunk'.
[Crowd Laughs]
She's probably gonna suggest something,
and you know what, I was not expecting
Houndstooth clothing.
That was great.
That's a great suggestion, Houndstooth clothing,
if you're not familiar, it's that clothing
which has the houndstooth pattern,
which I'm very familiar with.
So, Houndstooth clothing, Abby Road.
We'll come to the back of the room.
Back of the room, what would you like a rap about?
(people shouting)
Well you're not in the back of the room are you?
So, what was, wait, what?
- [Man In Crowd] Ohio!
(crowd shouting)
- [Man] Popemobile!
- Okay, the popemobile is creeping back in.
(crowd laughs)
It was like, 'it's my time to shine'.
Because there's a lot of shouting at the same time,
it's hard to pick one, so,
let's try and go one at a time.
What were they?
- [Woman] Monkey!
- [Woman In Crowd] Mulatto man.
- Mula... isn't that a very offensive term?
(crowd laughs)
- [Woman In Crowd] Sam's birthday!
- I mean I don't know who Sam is
and I don't really care.
(crowd laughs)
People like suggesting birthdays.
They're like, 'ooh, it's my special moment',
but then for that bit of the rap,
everyone else in here is like, 'I hate Sam.
I hate Sam so much'.
- [Man In Crowd] Yeah, baby!
- Okay, an aggressive man saying 'yeah, baby'.
It's a pretty good suggestion.
(crowd laughing)
And I hope that that was Sam who said that.
Okay, so, Houndstooth clothing, Abby Road,
a terrifying 'yeah, baby'.
Cause it's not like the Austin Powers voice
that you did it in.
It was like a, please don't come after me at home.
(crowd laughs)
Ok, middle of the room, you guys here, it includes the front.
I'm gonna divide you up into left and right.
Left hand side, what's the right gonna be about?
- [Woman In Crowd] Rainbows and leprechauns.
- Rainbows and leprechauns is again,
very stereotypical towards the Irish people,
and I don't like that.
(crowd laughs)
What'd you say?
- [Woman] Cognitive dissonance.
- Cognitive dissonance.
That is holding two conflicting ideas
in your head at the same time, is that right?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Yeah, okay, cool.
No one likes that suggestion either.
(crowd laughs)
But, it's valid.
Okay, cool.
Guys over here.
So far, the suggestions have been of variable quality.
I'm hoping that you guys can really nail it with this.
What's it gonna be?
- [Woman] Shmegma.
- [Woman In Crowd] Sherlock Holmes.
- I feel, again, so that came from this side,
but you did say shmegma.
Which,
'cause also,
it is not pronounced with an 'sh' usually,
but it came at the same time
as someone who said 'Sherlock Holmes'.
And so, I feel like you kinda teamed up.
Like Sherlock and Watson and were like,
'if we say Sherlock Holmes and shmegma,
he's gonna take the suggestion
Sherlock Holmes' shmegma'.
And yes, I am.
Jesus, I apologize for these suggestions,
but on your own heads be it.
This, lovely people of the Comedy and Magic Club,
is gonna be a freestyle rap.
As I said a rap made up on the spot
based entirely on those suggestions.
The suggestions once more for your delectation
and reminder, are: cognitive dissonance,
Houndstooth clothing, Abby Road,
Sherlock Holmes' Smegma, and a scary man
saying, 'yeah, baby'.
(crowd laughs)
(chuckles) Don't worry, it won't be anywhere near
as atrociously embarrassingly bad as you're expecting
a privately educated middle class white boy to be.
(crowd laughs)
Let's drop that beat good sir.
Let's have some fun.
- [Man In Crowd] Chug it, whoo!
- Don't say 'chug it', mate.
It's alcohol free as well.
A British accent, who would've thunk it.
You're trying to get me binge drinking man,
shoutin' out, 'chug it', knock it back.
Lift the tip of the glass.
Up so high now.
I'm more a wise and a sober guy
but I arrive at my destination.
How do you feel?
I was carried here, not
in the popemobile,
because you got snitched out yeah,
on you got told.
I walked here on the zebra crossing Abbey Road,
see four guys, their heights are not equal.
George, Ringo, John, Paul are the Beatles
standing there, on the pedestrian crossing.
If you're in London,
you will be tossin' all the V's
at the people who take the photos,
cause the tourists hold up the traffic slow,
down it goes outside the Abbey Roads Studios.
They actually renovated them.
Yeah, y'all, you can visit there,
maybe cut a brand new track.
Let me put a little thought in my head to the back.
Cognitive dissonance I say it again,
it's like a combat in your brain
it's hard to intend and engage those things.
Since I was born, I had an admiration
for the leprechauns and there's no dissonance
to put them with a rainbow.
But if you are Irish, it's painful, and shameful
to look at those guys on the island
and say they're all small green men
with gold in their hand.
Yeah, I'm moving and I'm saying it.
I'm like Sherlock Holmes,
I'm displayin' it: a Houndstooth pattern
and on my cap, deerstalker,
walkin' down Baker street.
You know I ought to look a haberdasher in the window.
I see a nice bit of fabric I say bro.
Watson come in, now what's on display.
I take a bit of Houndstooth and I walk away.
But now, Sherlock is the criminal.
He wears Houndstooth much better
than all of ya'll.
It's better then pinstripes
or any other fabric.
If I see a satin houndstooth I have it
I store right up there in my attic
if I saw a man in the dark
I'd never attack it, unless he came
up to me, a lady in this situation, said
yeah baby
(crowd cheers and applauds)
I'd run away or maybe stab him in the face.
I'm reaching in my handbag pulling out mace
spraying it, why are you saying it to me
I'm not an infant, he tries to hide
but I get him right in front, of his eyes
yeah, this is a quiz you should only say
that in maternity ward when you're positive.
Yeah baby, get the link.
I see an infant is born now and its still
linked to its mother by an umbilical cord.
If you see Sherlock in the bedroom
be sure that he keeps his foreskin mighty clean.
He's got a toothbrush there, he's proud and preening
in front of the mirror,
he's really really clever, high IQ
Sherlock Holmes' displaying no smegma
He pulls the foreskin, retracts it back
has a little scrub, has a little scratch
And none in there,
we all agree its more
preferable when there's no dick cheese.
I don't want that
(Crowd cheering)
that's my wish, but one problem
if there's smegma when you piss
if it smells bad
kicking up a lot of fuss
Is it smegma or is it cause you recently
ate asparagus.
Thank you very much for watching,
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all those things, shouting!
Bye.