That's right. America is sending thousands of troops
back to the Middle East, which is a big deal,
and not just because you have to pay that E-Z Pass again.
No, it's also because this could lead to war.
So when America says Iran is responsible,
they better have some solid proof.
MAN: The U.S. military released this surveillance footage,
which American officials tell NBC News shows
Iranian sailors removing an unexploded mine from the side
of one of the tankers after it was attacked.
MAN 2: Fragments of mines,
and the magnets used to attach them,
made by Iran, says the U.S.,
to attack oil tankers last week.
More proof, say U.S. officials, of Iranian guilt.
Iranian fingerprints apparently all over an attack
that Iran denies carrying out.
Iranian fingerprints?
(laughter)
Honestly, I, uh...
I don't really know what that last part means.
How... how you can tell that fingerprints are Iranian?
Was the detective like...
(sniffs) "I knew it.
Hummus."
(laughter)
"Wait, wait. Hummus isn't Iranian."
"I know, but if i said sabzi, you wouldn't have got the joke."
So the U.S. claims that they have enough evidence
to prove this attack was carried out by Iran, right?
But because America has a history of crying wolf
in the Middle East, some of the U.S.'s allies have said
that they need a little bit more than hummus fingers
to be convinced.
WOMAN: U.S. allies remain split
about the allegations against Iran.
Japan expressing skepticism,
while Germany's foreign minister stating,
the video provided by the U.S. is not sufficient proof.
That's right. Japan--
whose ship was attacked, by the way--
isn't sure that it was Iran.
And Germany doesn't want to rush into any decisions.
And I get it. Both of those countries
have a bad history with war, especially Germany.
Yeah, they know how they get when there's a war.
The Germans are like, "I think we all should proceed carefully
and think about..."
"No, Germany, you need to get angry."
"Please, nein.
"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
"Last time this happened,
I woke up in Argentina with a Spanish wife."
(laughter)
Now, after some convincing, Germany eventually accepted
America's conclusion blaming Iran.
And because of the whole weapons of mass destruction thing,
you can't blame America's allies for being a little cautious
when taking America's word for it, all right?
'Cause America's done this before.
Imagine if your friend told you, "Oh, my God,
you got to get down to this party. Rihanna's here."
But then when you got to the party, instead of Rihanna,
you just found some middle-aged guy named Ryan.
Yeah. You'd be like, "What? That-That's not Rihanna.
This guy's just standing in the corner."
He's like, "Yeah, all I do is work, work, work, work, work.
That's all I do."
If that happened to you, you wouldn't trust
your celebrity-sighting friends ever again.
And there is a growing agreement.
There is a growing agreement that this looks
like it was an attack conducted by Iran,
but people are also preaching caution
because maybe it was Iran's government,
or maybe it was a rogue element within Iran,
or maybe it was someone trying to frame Iran,
like a jealous ex. Who knows?
So, despite Mike Pompeo's hawkishness
and John Bolton's walrusness,
most foreign governments aren't in a hurry to go to war.
But there's another person
who also doesn't like the idea of war,
and you'll never guess who it is.
NEWSMAN: President Trump is now playing down the attacks,
telling Time magazine...
(reading):
We'll see what happens.
They are a much different country today
than they were two and a half years ago
when I came into office.
When President Obama signed that horrible deal,
they were screaming, "Death to America."
I haven't been hearing that lately.
NEWSWOMAN: President Trump has said
he doesn't want to go to war.
I love how the press
is just, like, waiting outside of his house, as well.
"Are you in a fight with Iran?"
"I hope not!"
(laughter)
But, yes, it turns out,
President Trump is not keen on a war with Iran,
which I am all for.
I mean, maybe he thinks that this is a bad idea,
or maybe he's just worried
that the military might try and draft him again, you know?
It's like, "Mr. President, we recommend a war against Iran."
"Ow, my bone spurs are back. They're back.
They come back every 50 years."
So, the good news is despite his Twitter fingers,
Trump is not a fan of trigger fingers.
But don't get too comfortable yet
because, unfortunately, there are lots of people around him
trying to change his mind.
NEWSMAN: The hawks continue to circle this president,
urging him toward action.
They're in his ear making the case
for possible intervention.
NEWSWOMAN: You have Secretary of State Mike Pompeo,
National Security Advisor John Bolton,
who are a lot more hawkish,
who want to be more aggressive
in their stance toward the Iranians.
NEWSMAN 2: Last week, Pompeo went to Congress
and delivered a presentation
arguing that this administration could use
the same authorization of force the Bush White House used
in the fight against al-Qaeda after 9/11.
Wow.
Did-did you pick up what they just said there?
18 years later, Mike Pompeo and his friends
are trying to use 9/11 as an excuse
to go to war with another country
that had nothing to do with 9/11.
That's what they want. Yeah.
And, I mean, haven't the troops spent enough time
in the Middle East? Just bring them home.
They deserve it. Yeah.
Just bring them home.
(cheering and applause)
They deserve to come home.
And we deserve to see more
of those adorable dog reunion videos. Yeah.
Which, by the way, like,
you know there's got to be one dog
who just doesn't give a shit, right?
There's probably one dog where the guy's like, "I'm home,"
and he's like, "Hey.
"Larry, right?
"Oh, yeah, I guess you used to live here.
"All right, well, uh, I'm gonna go look at a bird,
but thank you for your service, I guess?"
Look, man, here's the thing.
I'm not saying America should never fight wars.
Right? That's who you are. I get it.
But do you really think now is the time to start another war?
'Cause it almost feels like...
it almost feels like America does war
the same way people do Netflix, you know?
Yeah, we start a bunch of things,
but we never really commit, you know?
People just hang out. "Oh, my God,
"You know what I heard could be great?
This new war, Iran."
People are like, "Yeah. Oh, but wait.
"We still need to finish Iraq.
"Yeah. Yeah, we still need to finish that.
"Oh, and aren't we still in the middle of Syria?
"Whatever happened there? Yeah, I couldn't follow the plot.
"There were so many bad guys.
"By the way, who started Niger?
"Is someone using our account? What is that?
"Oh, my God, I just realized
"we never even finished Afghanistan.
"We started that, like, 20 years ago.
So, what are we gonna pick?"
"Actually, I'm tired. Let's just go to bed."
(laughter)
All I'm saying is this. All I'm saying is this.
I'm saying I understand America can't not fight a war,
but instead of going with a streaming model,
maybe America should switch back
to the old-school DVD plan, all right?
You can start a new war
as soon as you finish the ones you already have.