Hey there, this is Clay with RelationshipInnerGame.com And this video is for people out there who
are going through a breakup who maybe want to get back together with their ex.
So a long time ago we recorded a series of videos on the five stages that your ex goes
through when you're getting back together and you know, goes from like Wall of Reactance
to Test Drive stage, to Riding the Dragon, to Crisis Point, and New Beginnings, right?
And we go through the whole five stages, but what a lot of people don't realize is that,
it's not just your ex that's going through a journey and getting back together, but you
are also going through a journey and you have your own series of stages that you go through
when it comes to getting back together with your ex.
So we're going to talk about those five stages today in this quick short little video.
Uh, so the first stage is going to be Damage Control Mode.
Now, a lot of people immediately when they come out of a breakup or they come out of
a relationship, they're kind of in this Damage Control Mode, sort of stage.
They're sort of panicked.
They have a lot of these limiting beliefs.
They have a lot of these fears and anxieties and they just want to like get things back
to normal.
But unfortunately this is kind of a bad place to be in when you're interacting with your
ex, when you're trying to connect with your ex, when you're trying to have any sort of
positive interaction.
So you really want to make sure that you're out of Damage Control Mode into maybe in one
of the later stages before you even really try to interact with your ex because it's
just going to go over bad.
Now, the main thing that you can do when you're in Damage Control Mode to help you move to
the next stage is to work on this little thing here in between your ears, right?
Because your brain is going to be telling you all kinds of things.
They're going to tell you I, oh, uh, you know, uh, they broke up with you because you aren't
worth it.
They broke up with you because you're a terrible person.
Uh, you know, they're probably out there cheating on you.
They're probably out there dating other people.
They're probably out there, you know, that new rebound person, like erasing every memory
of the two of you ever had together and all of that stuff, right?
It's just going to make you feel bad.
It's going to cause you to...
And, of course, if you feel bad, it's going to cause you to act out of desperation and
do things that you later regret, like calling somebody maybe 15 times in one day.
Not that I've ever done that, but I totally did that.
So you definitely want to get out of Damage Control Mode.
That's the first thing.
And you want to focus on this thing in between your ears to help you kind of get out of Damage
Control Mode.
Okay?
So after that we have the second stage after damage control mode, which is Attachment Stage.
Okay.
It's the Attachment Stage and here you're really attached to outcome.
You're really attached to things being or looking or seeming a certain way you're attached
to it seeming like really romantic when the two of you are hanging out together.
You're attached to it seeming like the two of you aren't in the friend zone or attached
to having these positive moments together where you're laughing and holding hands and
having a good time and all that stuff.
You're kind of attached to making sure things look a certain way.
But what happens is when you're at this stage is you're kind of walking on eggshells and
it's not a whole lot of fun because you're so attached to things being a certain way
and it's going to make it difficult to connect with your ex because, you're so focused on
trying to make things seem or be, or look a certain way that you aren't really able
to accept your ex wherever they might be at emotionally.
And so that is really where the growing edge is for this stage, for the Attachment Stage.
Okay.
And it's really working on being emotionally okay with things where they're at, learning
how to have empathy towards what your ex might be going through and basically just being
emotionally okay with whatever is happening or not happening right now.
Okay.
So that's the second stage.
After that we have the third stage, which is called the Crossroads.
And this stage, your main challenge is to really own what it is that you want and not
do two main mistakes that are how you really can screw this up here.
Number one is to collapse.
This is sort of like doing the whole doormat thing.
Like, oh, hey, I don't know.
I don't know what I want to do.
Just whatever you want to do is okay.
I'm down for anything.
Let's just go with the flow.
I'm a go with the flow kind of person.
I'm cool, I'm down for anything.
Whatever you want.
It's totally fine.
That's the doormat thing.
And basically what people are doing, when they're doing the doormat thing is they are
afraid to stand up and say what it is that they want to say, and they think that if they
are just really nice and really happy and really accommodating to the other person,
that the other person will like them and be really nice and happy and loving towards them.
But unfortunately this doesn't really work out because the other person can't really
see who you are.
Your ex can't really see who you are, what it is that you want or what your intentions
are.
And so they don't trust you because you're just like this ghost.
They can't grab you, they don't have any sense about what it is that you're really all about.
You're just sort of this wispy thing with like, hey, I'm down for whatever.
I'm okay.
Whatever.
It's cool.
What do you want?
That sounds cool.
I'm down for anything, you know?
And so, so that's problematic.
But the other side of the spectrum is when you are posturing and there's really two main
ways that people posture.
Number one is when they do the whole indifferent sort of thing where like, you know, whatever,
I'm okay if you.
Sure, yeah, if you want to hang out, that's cool, but you know, whatever, and you know,
it comes from this idea that we have to play hard to get that we have to seem a little
bit aloof that we have to be maybe "cocky and funny" or something like that.
And so that actually makes people trust you less because it's not authentic and people
don't want to spend time with people that aren't emotionally impacting them, impacted
by them.
We want to spend time with people who have an emotional impact on us and who we have
an emotional impact on them.
Those are the kinds of people that we have really tight relationships with.
I think you'll probably agree with me, if you think back to all of your personal relationships,
platonic friendships, best friends, romantic relationships and so on and so forth.
Those are the kinds that are the strongest.
So we don't want to pretend as if we're indifferent.
We don't want to pretend anything like that or the other way that people also do the posturing
thing is that they think they always need to be happy.
They always need to be positive and upbeat and happy and that's not true either because
we don't want to be in a relationship or have a strong relationship with somebody who is
always happy.
I mean, of course we want people to be happy, but it's unrealistic for somebody to be happy
all the time, right?
We want to be in a relationship with somebody who's a full human being who has all of the
emotions, fear, anxiety, sure happiness, but also a hope, dread, sadness, everything.
They have access to all of their emotions.
That's what we really want to have in a romantic partner.
So don't sell yourself short by either collapsing or posturing.
Instead, be completely vulnerable.
Be completely transparent and show your ex what it is that you want, what it is that
you're thinking and feeling.
And of course, because you've already gone through the earlier stage on attachment, you
won't be attached to making it seem to look a certain way, so you won't say, "I want to
get back together with you," right?
Because that's, we can get into the whole metaphysics behind that later.
But, that's, that's an example, bad vulnerability, what we've talked about in our podcasts Love
Talk FM, from time to time.
But instead you'll be able to explicitly say something that actually is important to you.
Like "I want to be able to connect with you again the way that we used to."
See in that way you're owning what it is that you want rather than trying to force them
into something that they may not emotionally ready for.
Okay?
So that is the third stage.
That is the crossroads.
The fourth stage is the Bridge.
And this is where you have made a lot of progress in terms of shutting off the little Gremlin
in your brain, being emotional, okay with whatever is happening or not happening and
all that stuff at the second stage, And learning how to be totally vulnerable and honest at
the third stage and here at the fouth stage, at the Bridge, your challenge is to be able
to communicate clearly and articulately what it is that you want, what it is that you're
feeling, what it is you're experiencing, right?
So you're having these emotional, internal experiences along the way and learning how
to vocalize that in a way that honors both what your truth is, and also honors maybe
what your ex is experiencing, wanting, desiring or whatever, but still also is 100 percent
true to you and is also 100 percent true and kind and compassionate to them.
That's what the challenge of the fourth stage, the Bridge is okay, and once you can make
it through there, you'll end up at the final stage of the fifth stage and this is the Effortless
Connection stage.
This is when it's super ultra easy to just connect and just enjoy being with your ex.
Now, sure, you may not always be happy with each other.
You may not always be laughing and giggling and having tickle fights and everything like
that, but you can be honest, you can have meaningful conversations where you talk about
things like your feelings and emotions.
You can help guide them through their five stages that they're going through and this
is the optimal place to be when it comes to getting back together with your ex.
Okay?
Um, and to the degree possible, I want you to advance through those other five stages
to get as close as you can to this stage, to the Effortless Connection stage.
Okay?
And this is where getting back together with your ex and connecting with them will seem
really, really easy.
Okay?
So I hope I've given you a nice little blueprint there to help you get from Damage Control
Mode to Effortless Connection.
If you want to learn more about how to get back together with your ex and get some advice,
tips, and strategies, please head on over to our website RelationshipInnerGame.com.
You can go ahead and fill out a quick little survey there.
They can tell us a little bit about your relationship and we can start sending you some personalized,
tailored tips, advice, and strategies to help you get back together with the person that
you love.
This has been Clay with the RelationshipInnerGame.com.
If you liked this video, go ahead and give us a thumbs up or go ahead and subscribe to
the channel and please leave a comment down below and of course check us out on RelationshipInnerGame.com.
Until the next video, this has been Clay.
I'll see you around.