This is probably the hardest video I've had to make.
But also the one I've been wanting to make for the longest time.
Communicating with others in a language that is not my own
has been my biggest struggle and insecurity.
Sometime it's a hurdle that doesn't look that scary.
I can walk around it and be fine.
But other times it gets overwhelmingly big and makes me feel paralyzed.
Speaking with people and being understood is something we take for granted.
It's such a simple thing
Words coming out of your mouth, your thoughts taking shape
giving people a look into who you are,
what you think,
how you feel.
But what happens when those words aren't there?
When you reach and try to detangle the mess that is in your head?
And you're looking for words to tell others how you feel, but you can't find them...
Your brain is bubbling with thoughts and ideas but somehow you fall short of putting them into words.
You question why you're even doing it in the first place.
I have no ties to the English language.
I'm reaching for something that I'm creating myself and trying to hold it in place.
I was born in Portugal.
All of my family is Portuguese.
I spent 20 years of my life figuring out who I am and creating myself in Portuguese.
It's tricky to all of a sudden want that feeling in a different language.
I feel at a disadvantage.
Like others are way ahead of me and I'm just trying to catch up.
I like English.
I like how you can say things a million different ways.
I like how you can play with words and create pretty images in your head.
But sometimes I can't help but feel out of place when people around me are deep into conversations.
I feel like I'm watching things through a lens.
And when I say something it's like the words somehow don't fit me.
I'm not worthy of them.
They're borrowed.
I often find myself contemplating...
Staring at people and soaking in all they're saying.
It all still feels like a novelty to me.
I feel excited when I hear something I have never heard before.
And I make notes of funny words and sayings I hear here and there.
As much as I might feel like I'm lacking the tools to be me in English sometimes.
I enjoy that I get to build new pieces of me with it.
I may not have found my voice in English yet
but maybe that's because I've yet to find my voice, regardless of what language I'm speaking in.
And I look around and see friends who were built from
one, two, three different languages even.
And I might not be my full "me" in English yet.
But it's thanks to that "flawed me" that I can connect.
And be inspired by some of the greatest people I've met.
I would love to hear you thoughts in the comments below.