- I'm here to make an emotional video
and cry on camera for five minutes.
- [Dan] Five?
- 10, oh yeah,
'cause they don't get the ads.
- [Dan] 50, come on!
- 55 minutes.
How long was yours?
One hour and 37 minutes.
- [Dan] How day you compare me to people that make videos.
- Sorry.
- [Dan] Once more with feeling, like ham up that you're sad.
You're sad, you're sad.
- Guys, I've got some terrible news.
I can't do it.
- [Dan] You are the worst actor in the world.
- I can't do it!
Just come and sit down.
Hi.
- About God damn time.
- Look who it is.
- Why do I always have to have some convoluted entrance
when I do a video on your channel.
- I was thinking we could just put
a towel over you and be like, look who it is!
He's still here!
Not for long.
- Do you even know what you're saying?
- No.
So for the first time ever in our lives,
me and Dan are not--
- I mean, prior to when we met,
because you did have a whole long life before we met.
- Not that you knew about.
I was just watching through the birth room like, I'm ready.
As a five year old.
- I have literally been here for about 15 seconds.
What do you mean you were looking through the birth room?
- I don't know!
- Jesus Christ.
- I don't know what I'm saying.
We're not gonna be in the same place for a long time.
How long?
- Gesticulation bubble, bubble,
sphere, sphere,
space, space, space.
- My sphere goes over your sphere.
- This is the Venn diagram of collaboration.
You went right over here, okay?
- Okay.
- Since 2009,
I think the longest we have ever been apart
is actually two and a half weeks when you went to Florida.
- No, is that it?
- This is about to be dramatic, 'cause guys,
I am about to go on a bus to go on tour to America,
and I am gone for two and a half months.
- That's a lot of months.
- It's literally not a lot of months.
If you're talking months plural, it's two.
So it's technically the least amount of months.
- It's a lot of seconds.
- It's several seconds.
This is a truly cataclysmic moment in our lives,
Phil, what's gonna happen?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna get a tattoo on my face.
I'm either gonna have a rejuvenation,
and you're gonna come back--
- Are you saying you're gonna get Botox?
- No, no.
- I'm gonna come back and Phil's gonna have lip fillers.
- I'm gonna have a tattoo,
I'm gonna be blonde, and I'm gonna have--
- Oh God, total midlife crisis.
- Swag, I'm gonna have a swag about me.
- No Phil, don't do the 30 year old Gay,
I'm gonna blonde my hair and get tattoos thing.
Oh God!
- I said I want to try the crisis twink life.
- Which explains why we are living
the straight experience right now,
because we are filming in front of my closet.
- Dan and Phil are back in the closet.
- Literally.
We're actually just in front of the closet.
- In the edge of it.
- Dan and Phil are just about out of the closet.
- Yeah.
We're get, we're get...
- Basically, I'm get...
- Coming out.
- This is a bi-curious location in the house.
- I'm feeling curious.
- Because I'm packing!
Look, there's my suitcase.
What?
- I said where's the breast, because I'm bi-curious.
Dan was packing and I brought the tripod in,
and I was like,
we should actually commemorate this moment with a video,
because I might never see you again.
- It is like 1:00 AM right now.
Basically every meaningful Dan
and Phil video on the internet,
all those Phil is on Fire's,
were filmed at about 2:00 AM.
- There's a certain time.
- There's a certain energy.
- Where things just shift.
- You know when you're really tired,
and then you just go all the way through to the other side
and you just discover a whole new kind of energy?
That's what we are working with.
- I'm feeling that energy inside me right now.
So packing.
- Not in a gay way, 'cause we're out,
we're half in the closet.
- Breast curious.
- Does my hair look horrible?
- [Phil] No, it looks nice.
- I mean, so far I've packed some freaking manga,
and a stripy shirt and some pajamas.
Which is all you need.
- Are you gonna take this?
- No. - Why?
- Why would I want the sequin jacket?
- This is like the best thing you own,
hit the disco in Toronto.
- Hit the disco in Toronto?
- I don't know!
Color, hello?
- Exactly, leave me alone.
- That's got some blue on it.
This is blue, Dan.
This is the color blue.
(Dan screaming)
What is this, it looks like a wetsuit?
- Oh yeah, one day.
It's quite skin tight.
- That is like for a seven year old boy.
- Eventually it'll be a look.
- I thought this is like some lacy underwear then.
I was like, what is this?
- It's a shirt, Phil.
It's a lacy shirt.
Get out!
- I feel like you wear that every single day of your life.
- Don't come for the stripy jumper.
- That's all you wear.
- I like looking like a Parisian twink, thank you.
- Whenever I picture you in my head,
you're wearing a stripy jumper,
and I think it's 'cause you wear it so much.
- Okay, well,
I'm sure it smells lovely.
- So where are you going?
What's happening for those who don't know?
- I am about to go on a tour bus
across America for 10 and a half weeks.
I am going hither to thither.
- Thither! - Wither, plither,
and quiver.
- If you're in quiver, it's gonna be a spicy one.
- I'm gonna be in your town.
- Are you excited to be on a tour bus?
- I liked tour bus life.
There is something about being nestled in a dark hole,
whoa, that I like.
- How did you fall asleep so easily?
I was just like (humming).
- If the driver breaks,
all of your bones get crushed and you instantly die.
That's reassuring to me.
It's just like, find a little peace.
I think it's time for a good sleep.
- Delicious long sleep.
(phone pinging)
- Who the hell is texting you?
- I've got a friend.
- This is the moment, right?
This is the moment.
What am I gonna forget?
- What are you gonna forget? - What am I gonna forget?
- Hair straighteners.
Dan, 2013.
Return him.
- No, it's the one thing that I'm not gonna pack.
- Pillow.
You need a pillow.
- Oh my God, my pillow.
If I don't sleep on my own pillow, I don't sleep.
- I took pillow everywhere.
Yeah, you can't have that.
- I take pillow?
Did you just personify your pillow?
Hello pillow.
Did you personify your fricking pillow and call it Pillow?
- It's actually like an anime body pillow.
That's what it is.
- You wish it was.
That would make it make sense, you're just weird.
- I don't wanna sound like I'm just
sponning Dan 'cause it's Dan,
but I went to see his tour and it is (bleep) amazing.
I'm gonna bleep it.
(laughs quickly)
That's how I felt, it is so good!
It made me wanna swear.
- You just shook me with that, Phil.
You really caught me off guard.
- I only use them when they're important, and that was it,
- 13 years, you're still keeping it fresh.
I'm about to leave you.
- I know.
- But just at the last second
when I think I know everything you got,
you drop an F bomb.
- If you need a sign to go and get some tickets
to Dan's show, this is your sign.
(ethereal music)
- God is telling you to make a career change.
- No, it is!
There's like, it was epic.
Very relatable.
It might make you cry, but also it'll make you laugh.
A laugh cry.
Also, it was more adult than I thought it was gonna be.
Like you sometimes--
- You thought it was more adult?
- No, like your mouth--
- I am a 31 year old depressed homosexual
that is angry about the world,
and I've got opinions, okay?
- It's spicy.
- The year is 2022, it's spicy.
- Sum it up for people on the fence.
- It is the Dan Comedy Show good night out,
we're all gonna die,
but maybe we can do something about it experience.
- I would say it's the best thing you've ever done.
- You're coming for Basically I'm Gay like that?
- Yeah.
- How dare you.
- Not the best thing you've ever done without me, obviously.
I mean, no one's arrived there.
They're better!
- Dan's magnum oppa standup show.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't have a giant microwave.
- It doesn't.
The merch is amazing.
I went for the only one that felt Phil appropriate.
It's got a nice back as well.
- A lot of people say they're ashamed
to walk around in t-shirts with my name on it,
so I got one of those black metal band logos.
- And if you're not, you can just wear the prawnhub one.
Honestly, I never see that.
(Dan laughing loudly)
I look like an egg.
Why do I just like an egg?
- This is such a terrible advert for my tour merch.
I promise it's cool.
- It makes me realize that my hair
is the thing that sells my face the most.
- Really?
- If you get rid of the hair, I look so eggy.
You don't wanna be sat at home with FOMO
and then see people in New York,
or LA, or Salt Lake City having the best time ever,
and thinking, oh,
I wish I'd gone.
- I'm basically going into every single place in America.
So if you are on that entire continent,
yeah, I'm probably outside your house on a bus right now.
- So go, how do they go?
I should know this.
Danielhowell.com
- That's my name.com.
Thank you for remembering, Phil.
- Grab a tic.
I've heard you're gonna be gone for like six months.
- No, I am home for Christmas.
- Good.
- I've gotta prioritize Christmas, oh my God.
- You need to see Santa.
- Then I'm gonna go make out with a spider in Australia.
- Hot!
- And a sheep in New Zealand.
- What are you doing with the sheep?
- And maybe a girl in Prague?
I'm not going to Prague.
- Hey, none of that.
And while Dan's doing all that,
I will be here holding the fort,
making sure the house doesn't burn down.
- And here we are, okay.
This is the million dollar question, Phil.
What are you gonna do?
How are you gonna be?
- The thing is,
I've lived alone twice in my life
before I knew who you were,
and I kind of did all right.
It took a bit of getting used to,
but I think you settle into that routine.
- You'll be completely alone.
There's plenty of (bleep) that
hasn't been finished in the house yet.
Sweaty builders everywhere.
- Oh, that sounds nice.
It's not nice, it's really not nice.
Somehow they still haven't finished this house.
We don't have a bath.
How do we still not have a bath?
- We still don't have a bath.
It was my dream to watch Formula One
qualifying in the bath on Saturday,
and I still can't live my dream, Phil.
- We do have shower, by the way.
I have washed.
- Dan does not wash his feet, Phil has not washed at all.
- The only thing I regret is all the tiles.
I just see stuff in the tiles all the time.
- That's a you problem.
- I know, but have you seen--
- I look at it like, that's a tile.
Phil's like, wow,
I can never unsee the cowboy hat on on a dinosaur.
- Have you seen the cat tile over there?
Do you know that gif of the cat that's like.
- The Twitch emos, Cat Jam?
- Cat Jam, it's in the tile.
- [Dan] Where the Cat Jam here?
- [Phil] Imagine you don't have glasses on.
- [Dan] If I don't have glasses on,
any of this looks like anything.
- [Phil] He's here, look,
there's his little face.
- [Dan] Wait a minute.
Oh my God!
(laughs quickly)
No, you've just ruined the bathroom.
How could you do this to me?
- [Phil] You'll never unsee it.
- I'm gonna be showering, and then just being like.
- So I lived alone in university in my fourth year.
- For a year.
- Ran out of friends and just
made some crazy YouTube videos.
- How long before it's just Phil's lonely?
He's licking the walls and he's filming it,
and he's putting it on YouTube.
- I'm just gonna have a beard and be like,
hey guys!
- Help me.
- This is my exact address.
- There's be a plant and you'll just go, hello Dan.
How are you?
Spike the cactus in your eye.
- I'm gonna be talking to my hand.
And then I lived alone in Manchester.
- But you did not live alone in Manchester,
'cause that's when I was at university.
And I realized very, very quickly
that you had a washing machine.
And if I came to your house,
I could just play PlayStation
instead of studying for my seminars.
- True.
That's where that scary man was like, did you,
I can't say the word, but did you?
- Oh my God!
- That man knocked on the door and said,
did you write (bleep).
- On my door.
- No!
It was like 11:00 PM at night.
I'm just sat on a bean bag trying to play Final Fantasy,
mooching off Phil's, you know--
- Washing machine.
- Exactly.
And some burley drunk man knocks on the door and goes,
oi, did you write (bleep) on my door?
- I did not.
- I was just like,
wait, excuse me.
What is going on here?
- Yeah. - Phil.
Did you go upstairs and write (bleep)
on some terrifying man's door?
- I didn't.
He was like, I know you've been complaining about me.
I've had the letters.
I was like, I don't know what these letters are.
- This guy was like,
I'm going to kill you, man with the fringe,
because I think you wrote a very rude word on my door.
And you were like, I don't even know who you are.
- I don't even know what that word means.
- Yeah, that's what you were like.
What, is that gonna happen here?
I'm gonna come back and someone's gonna have killed you?
- Probably.
I mean, I'm not gonna open the door.
- Ever. - Ever.
- How are you going to drink or eat?
- Gonna farm.
- You're gonna catch pigeons on the balcony.
- Farm the Piggies.
- You had so many weird instances at that first apartment.
You being by yourself manifests chaos.
You had the holy mother,
when that person came to the house
and tried to get you to join a cult.
- I should have joined that Cult, man.
- That first apartment was looking at a prison.
- It was. - Classic.
So these are the things that I'm concerned about.
Okay, Phil?
When I go away for 10 weeks,
are you going to remember to water the plants?
- I'm gonna water the plants.
Me and the plants go way back.
- I was away for 10 days when this tour started.
I came back here and you forgot to water the plants.
- I did, I think I over,
I did, I meant to.
I thought about doing it, but then I didn't do it.
When I have the thought, I thought I'd done it.
- Have you ever actually kept a plant alive?
- I have.
I did that whole spon about keeping plants alive,
and I learned the facts.
I did!
- Pop quiz.
- What?
No, oh God.
- [Dan] What is the thing with this plant, Phil?
- [Phil] Don't lick it.
Don't rub it on a cat or a baby.
- [Dan] Poisonous, naughty.
This plant has gone absolutely crazy.
- [Phil] I feel like I should stop
watering that so it can calm down a bit.
It's about to go inside my nostril.
- [Dan] What's the deal with this little guy?
- [Phil] It looks like a butt.
- [Dan] It looks like a heart.
- [Phil] Butt heart.
- [Dan] And?
- [Phil] Water it once a week.
- [Dan] Once a month, otherwise it dies!
Oh, what's it called?
Peace Lil, filly police.
- [Phil] Stick your finger in and see if it's dry.
- [Dan] Come on Phil, what is going on.
- [Phil] I thought it was a cacti, cacti don't need water.
- [Dan] That's a cactus, that was a plant.
- [Phil] It's like a meerkat dying from grief.
- [Dan] Oh God.
What is the liquid level on all
of these gonna be when I get back?
- [Phil] Empty.
- [Dan] Look at the abundance, Phil.
Abundant Phil.
Walking down the stairs.
That's something that you don't know how to do.
- All of the time Dan is like, Phil,
you're gonna die if you walk down the stairs like that.
- You have never experienced terror
until you've seen this man running,
skipping every other step.
All right Phil, this might be a bit for a video.
It also might be the last moment of your life.
- This is how I walk down the stairs.
I don't think it's not bad.
This is like a normal speed.
- [Dan] You are in socks, and we have a floating staircase.
- [Phil] Look, I got places to be.
- [Dan] Where do you have to be, Phil?
- With my people.
I feel very attacked right now.
- Turn the PS4 off.
That's what you don't know how to do--
- It's happy, it's just buzzing away.
- It's not happy.
It's like a dog in a hot car.
What do you do if there's a fire?
- Scream?
Run around like the sims, set myself on fire?
- Yeah, you just go oh!
All right Phil, how do you turn off a PlayStation 4?
- [Phil] Why are the buttons so small.
- [Dan] They are actually stupidly small.
- [Phil] No, it's not that.
Where is it?
- [Dan] That was eject!
You lose. (laughing)
- [Phil] Oh no.
Oh God, Oh God!
No!
- Get your fire extinguisher now.
Go go, blast in.
Please recycle.
- Recycle!
I do recycle, I'm good at recycling.
- No.
I will come back and you will have turned this room
into a mountain of cardboard boxes,
which you do not wanna take out
because you don't wanna bump into a neighbor.
- You know I attract weirdness.
You go in the recycling room, there's no one there.
I go in,
there's a woman giving birth and I've
gotta help pull the placenta out.
That's what happens.
- I don't care, you still have to do it!
- Fine, I'll do it.
- What else is there?
- What else could there possibly be?
Where is your finger going?
- If you gold pig anything while I'm gone.
- I'll gold everything.
- I'll poo on the floor.
- There's gonna be nine piglets waiting for you.
- Don't even joke about that, I'm not gonna come back.
- You're the one that hasn't lived alone.
I dunno why you're coming for me so hard.
- Because I know you.
Because I know what you're like all the time.
This is what's gonna happen.
- I don't think you're gonna survive being on tour.
Like, you're gonna forget all of
those things that you can't do.
- Oh yeah, those things.
Like what, what's gonna happen without me?
- We left Dan alone for two minutes in America.
He was being questioned by the police.
Do you remember that?
- That was a misunderstanding.
- Oh, a misunderstanding.
They started shouting at you.
- I was taking selfies in an airport toilet.
- Don't do that.
- 'Cause the lighting was lit.
- Yeah.
- And then a cleaner came in and thought
that I was trying to film people (bleep).
- No.
- And I was not.
And I had to stand there while a park ranger
went through through my camera roll.
And they were just flicking through hundreds
of cringe selfies that I took in this toilet.
- You know, I blame America for that.
Why are the stalls so open?
Why do you wanna look at each other on the toilet?
- It's like you walk past and you flash for a second.
You make eye contact with someone
fully dumping a load in the toilet.
- You can look straight in.
- No thank you.
- Weird.
I mean, they almost took his passport.
I was on my UK tour.
- To be fair, that is a Dan moment.
- That was very Dan.
What else is Dan gonna flop at?
Where are you not gonna shower?
- What do you mean, where am I not gonna shower?
- You failed, you died.
- What?
- In the tour bus, you can't shower in the tour bus.
- Oh, you and the freaking amoebas.
- Amoebas!
They will go into your brain.
- Phil, the iconic hypochondriac.
is like, if you go in a shower
anywhere that has a tank of water,
it is infested with brain eating parasites
that will instantly kill you.
- If the water gets hot enough
and it's just sat there in the bus.
- You've seen how gross these backstages in theaters are!
- Yeah, I know,
but you gotta go in that--
- Shower in the bus!
- No, don't shower in the bus.
Also, don't poop on the bus.
- You do have to remember that.
You can do number ones, you can't do number twos.
- No, it's so awkward.
If it's four in the morning and you're like,
can we stop at to service station?
It's so like mortifying.
It's really horrible.
- It's a different lifestyle.
- Yeah, no one is gonna hear.
Right, Dan has this tone.
Right?
Whenever he speaks in a public setting,
for some reason--
- Phil, you don't have to come for me like this.
- For some reason, the volume or
the wavelength of Dan's voice.
- I actually have a problem that I was given at birth,
and you shouldn't make fun of it, okay?
My voice just happens to be a tone
in everyday conversation where you just can't hear it.
It just fades into a room.
- So Dan will say a whole thing and no one will look at him.
And then I've gotta say,
Dan, you're doing the tone.
- I will be sat at a dinner table,
in a circle with six people.
I'll go, and yeah,
that's what I thought when I went there last week!
What do you think, Phil?
And then everyone in the table
will just be looking down at their bread.
- They're not hearing him.
- And they'll just start talking over me,
and I will be like, am I (beep) dirt?
Imagine like an ambient room right now.
Let's do some like.
(Phil and Dan muttering)
Phil actually has to make a point
out of saving me and getting me to repeat.
- I go, what did you just say Dan?
- Oh, Dan!
I think Dan just had something to say.
Everybody look at Dan!
And I'll be like, I was just,
I was just saying a funny thing about opinion.
Am I right?
I feel like I need a moment away from you
so I can learn to just be a normal person.
- You're gonna learn it's worse.
Also, I feel like we enable all the good stuff as well.
Like creativity, bouncing around ideas.
- Eating pizza three nights a week and playing Mario Kart.
- That's also a thing--
- Instead of filming content.
- We're filming this now!
You should probably finish packing.
- Yeah, no.
This is literally the last thing I should be doing.
- You are leaving me.
This literally isn't click bait.
- It wasn't, no.
But also after Dan and Phil finally tell the truth,
we were in a post click bait world.
- It is weird that you're back on YouTube though.
- It's weird.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, right.
I really have been pouring my heart
and soul to this Dystopia Daily thing.
Phil's review, weird.
- Dan's really made a whole show.
- I was just thinking, like,
what is this post burnout meta content I can make?
I just wanna do something that makes me laugh.
- I know!
But yeah, subscribe to this new YouTuber,
if you've not heard of him.
Do not give yourself FOMO.
If it is the last thing you do.
- Which it might be, 'cause the world's ending.
- Go see Dan on tour, Danielhowell.com.
I might come again.
You might see me in the audience.
- Hashtag Ad, do you mind?
Well, you said that you were gonna
invite yourself to Australia and some of the Europe shows,
'cause you just want a free holiday.
That's not how that works.
No, I'm gonna be touring America to do a show,
and then Europe and Australia.
You can't just be like, hello,
I'm here for a holiday, thank you.
Okay.
Are we gonna survive this?
- I don't know.
Stay tuned!
- This is the ultimate YouTube experiment.
You're about to see a spectacular meltdown
in two completely opposite directions.
- If you're excited for that meltdown, give us a thumbs up.
(Dan laughing)
Subscribe to me, subscribe to this guy.
- What a brave new world.
You've been on the internet for so long, this is a first.
- Ding our bell.
My bell, both bells.
Ding both of our bells.
- Tickle those bells.
- Have a good life, hope you're doing well.
I'll see you when I'm alone.
Goodbye. - Get out.