Farts weren't always a laughing matter in antiquity.
Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks believed beans were "an emblem of death."
By extension, that made farts a death knell.
Back in the days when people took toots seriously, farting could indeed mean you were about to
breathe your last breath.
For something that the human race tries so hard not to laugh at, the gravity associated
with flatulence throughout history may surprise you.
[Farting]
One time, though, that gravity dragged thousands of people down to the grave during Passover.
Admittedly, it's difficult not to crack a fart joke here, but for now, let's just hold
it in and get to the bottom of what happened.
As recounted in Who Cut the Cheese?
A Cultural History of the Fart, the deadly flatulence happened in 44 AD, not long after
the death of King Herod.
While Jews partook in a Passover feast, a Roman soldier standing guard decided this
was the time to make a statement, assumed the tooting position, and, quote, "spoke such
words as you might expect upon such a posture."
“(toot)”
"Did somebody step on a duck?"
In a modern context, you might expect the soldier's cheeky speech to resemble that lighthearted
scene in Ace Ventura where the pet detective pretends to talk through his backside.
“Excuse me - I'd like to ass you a few questions.”
But the Roman's act reeked of malice.
The gigantic gathering erupted into a riot as the younger people among the crowd began
throwing stones at the Romans.
Roman reinforcements arrived, prompting the congregation to flee.
Amid the bedlam, people trampled and crushed each other.
The Jewish Historian Josephus wrote that 10,000 people perished in the process.
Centuries earlier, a Greek comedian may have helped kill a great philosopher by farting
with words.
“I actually knew a (toot) in grad school.”
“Well thank you, but it's actually pronounced (toot).”
In 419 B.C. the comic playwright Aristophanes published The Clouds, which mocked Socrates
in flatulent fashion.
In the play, the philosopher dishonors Zeus by claiming that it was not the god of thunder
who made the sky rumble.
Instead, Socrates says swollen clouds are cutting the cheese and compares it to when
someone eats too much stew and has to release gas.
The fictional Socrates also claims that gnats buzz through their trumpet-like butts.
“All we are is dust in the wind dude.”
The Clouds concludes with the sacrilegious philosopher lighting a torch and appearing
to suffocate himself to death, after which he's chided for slighting the gods.
One might interpret his demise as a morbid fart joke.
But in The Death of Socrates, Emily R. Wilson argues
"Suffocation seems, within the play, an appropriate death for one who has relied on so many various
forms of hot air.
Socrates, who spouts windy nonsense, who worships the Air and Clouds themselves, and who explains
thunder as a cosmic fart, finally gets the death he deserves."
Per the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, in 399 B.C., Socrates was convicted and executed
for religious irreverence.
According to Plato's Apology, the Athenians who called for the philosopher's death grew
up believing The Clouds' depiction of Socrates.
The real-life philosopher allegedly held Aristophanes more responsible for his fate than the actual
accusers at his trial, who condemned Socrates to die by drinking poison.
In the past, a fart not only had the power to end lives; it could upend them and take
down powerful people.
“It's uncontradicted that the president used taxpayer dollars to ask the Ukrainians
to help him cheat (toot) in election.”
For instance, Historic UK recounts how during the reign of England's Elizabeth I, the Earl
of Oxford farted while bowing before the Queen.
He was so utterly ashamed of himself that he left the county for seven years.
“(toot)”
“Oh God…
“Sorry…
I farted.
Upon his return, Elizabeth quipped "My lord, I had forgotten the fart!"
Not every monarch has responded so kindly to butt burps, though.
In fact, an ancient Egyptian king responded to a fart so harshly that it cost him his
kingdom.
According to Mental Floss, in 570 B.C., King Apries sent his general, Amasis, to quell
a rebellion, but Amasis found himself siding with the dissidents, who suggested he try
to overthrow Apries.
The pharaoh sent a messenger, Patarbemis, to retrieve the general.
At this point, all hell - AND smell - broke loose.
Rather than obey the Apries, Amasis, who was mounted on a horse, raised his derriere and
unleashed a fart for the messenger to take to Apries along with the warning that Amasis
would return to fight.
Apries didn't kill the messenger, but he mutilated him Patarbemis had his nose and ears chopped
off.
This was a grievous misstep, because the public loved Patarbemis.
Now they hated Apries - and as a result, Apries was soundly routed, cast down by Amasis, who
seized the throne.
"Smelled like… victory.”
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