- Just don't be one of these people that surprised
that black folks got issues.
Them the people I can't deal with.
I'd rather talk to somebody that don't agree with me
than somebody that's had they're eyes closed.
How did you know black people, why are black people angry?
We been angry (audience laughing)
this ain't new.
You think this just happened the last couple of years?
Black folks been trying to tell ya'll forever
that they've had some issues, we invented the Blues.
(audience laughing)
What more of a sign did you need?
We literally invented an entire genre of music
based on sadness, that's how sad we--
The Blues was created here, that is an American art form,
that is not Native African, go listen to old African music,
the shit is happy 'cause we was free.
(audience laughing)
Every old African, we are freedom in Africa,
freedom in Africa, freedom.
Soon as we got off the slave ship.
(mimicking Blues music)
We been sad.
How the hell are you surprised?
They're not patriotic, the black people don't like
the National Anthem anymore.
(audience laughing)
Ain't no shock to you man.
You wanna know what Black folks feelin' just listen
to they're music.
Our music tell you everything
that's going on in the Black psyche.
It's a beautiful telegram,
and no where in the history
of Black music is there a hit patriotic song.
(audience laughing)
It ain't what we do.
I mean we'll cover a song but we don't write no original
patriotic song, Black artists ain't never
'cause we got a conflicted relationship with the country.
You can't write no honest patriotic song,
you gotta leave that to white artists, they had a good time.
(audience laughing)
Yeah the good time in America, you damn right you should be
writing a patriotic, saying
♪ I'm proud to be an American ♪
♪ where I least I know I'm free ♪
Are you serious?
You couldn't possibly expect that level of patriotism
from a race of people that has so many issues, you can't.
It's not realistic.
Black people we don't sing about America,
we sing about specific cities where you can have
a good ass time.
(audience cheering)
That's what we do.
We don't talk about the country, we can tell you
where to party at though, we can do that.
Look I can't tell you nothing about America,
but let me tell you about the city where the heat is on,
all night on the beach, to the early morn.
Welcome to Miami, that's where you got to go.
Ever been to California, oh my God, well you gotta go
down to California boy.
Well California knows how to party,
the city of L.A., the city of good ol' Watts,
and the city of Compton, they keep it rockin'.
Write that shit down, tryin to tell you, keep it rockin.
(audience clapping)
Black people don't do patriotism.
Maybe "Georgia on My Mind",
that's the closest we probably come.
Maybe that one, that's a good song, it's warm,
it's about the country, Ray Charles, "Georgia on My Mind",
good song, but they key word in that song is on my mind.
(audience laughing)
Ray Charles was just thinking about Georgia.
He didn't tell you to go there.
Georgia's like every other part of the South,
it's got some pockets you should not be in after dark
if you're to ask Ray Charles to be more specific
on where in Georgia to go, he'd a say go to Atlanta,
where the players play and they ride on them things
like everyday. (audience cheering)
- If you haven't noticed, I'm a Black woman, you're welcome.
And it's interesting 'cause when I'm talking
to these white girls and they're trying to talk to me,
we're all women, we're all women need to come together,
I'm like listen girl, I'm black first.
I'm a Black woman, I'm Black first, it's literally
in the name of being human.
And there's so much oppression to deal with,
with being Black and being a woman, that what I have to do
is I have to break my oppression down,
to make it manageable.
So I'm Black Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
(audience laughing)
I'm a woman, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday.
I'm fat on Sunday, even God rested.
(audience clapping)
I'm exhausted.
When doing stand up I got to talk to a lot of white girls,
'cause you know they be around and they always want to talk
to me about feminism and I'm like girl why?
What you want?
I mean there's just so many issues,
equal pay for equal work, equal pay for equal work,
I'm like cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
I don't wanna work.
(audience laughing)
Ever!
I wanna be a trophy wife.
I wanna kick people off my yacht 'cause they brought me
the wrong wine.
(audience laughing)
I said Riesling, ocean.
(audience laughing)
And then I gotta hire somebody to fish them out the water
now I'm creating jobs.
(audience laughing)
I do sleep with a lot of White dudes
'cause the cops keep killing Black men.
I'm trying to create allies.
(audience laughing)
But there are people that ask me,
so you don't date Black dudes?
I'm from Atlanta, I've dated every edition
of Black men they make.
Of course I date Black dudes.
Thing is when you're dating a Black man is that you are
always in a struggle competition.
As a Black woman, who has it worse, Black dude, Black woman.
It's always a back and forth, if you just come home
be like babe, I gotta tell you this racial shit
that Karen said at work, he's like you don't know
what it's like to be a Black man in America.
Hey man we wasn't talkin' about that.
I just wanna say what Karen said.
You know what it's like to be a Black man in America,
I get shot by the police.
I can't say nothin' after shot by the police.
What am I supposed to say, what do you want for dinner,
what am I supposed to say after that.
Then Sandra Bland happened and that's when I found out
that Black women also get killed by police
and we been getting killed by the police the entire time
and nobody's been talkin' about it.
Nobody ain't said a word.
(audience clapping)
So the next time he comes at me with you don't know
what it's like to be a Black man I get shot by the police.
Yeah nigger I get shot by the police too,
now sit your ass down we talkin' about Karen.
(audience laughing)
- Here I am in my car on the side of the road
in a random street in Los Angeles and the whole time
I was just like, I don't want to die, I don't want to die,
I don't want to die, and the policeman gets out of his car
and he starts walking towards me and his hand
was by his side and it's doing this.
(audience laughing)
And I've watched Westerns.
(audience laughing)
I know what this means.
This is never good.
This never turns into friendship.
(audience laughing)
So now I'm starting to stress and I'm looking at him
in the side mirror of my car and I'm panicking
because objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
So he's gonna get there at any moment
and I don't know why I did this as soon as he,
I panicked, I completely panicked and I launched myself
out the window.
I took my body and I threw it out the window and I fell
onto the side of the car, just like boof
and onto the side of the car.
I basically went back to nature, I thought of a predator
you don't make eye contact and you play dead.
That's all I did, I just laid on the side of the car.
Which freaked him out, he was completely,
he was like "hey, hey, what's going on?"
I said "I'm sorry officer, I'm sorry."
He's like, "Sir, what are you sorry for?"
I said "Whatever it is that's gonna make you shoot me,
I'm sorry."
I'm sorry officer.
He said "sir get back in the car, get back in the car"
I said "No, I don't wanna die, please I'm not falling
for that trick, please officer, sorry."
He's like "Sir you're not, I'm not gonna kill you,
just get back in the car."
I mean this guy was just as freaked out as I was,
I'm not gonna lie.
Cause when I put myself in his shoes,
I mean what does he do, imagine standing
on the side of the road, a guy jumps out of his own car,
what does he, he can't even call for back up,
what does he say, 10-4 I need back up,
what do you need, I got a Black guy killed himself.
10-4 you gotta make something up better than that,
we'll back you up don't worry.
Like what do you say, it's just like the guys freaking out,
I'm freaking out and I'm lying there and this guy,
he approaches slowly, he finally gets to me
and lifts my arms and he's like get back in the car, sir,
get back, he stuffs me back into my window.
I'm like no, I don't want to die, please I don't wanna die.
He's like "sir, sir, calm down, calm down."
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
He's like "Sir, have you been drinking?"
I said "No sir, I haven't been drinking."
He said "okay calm down."
"Do you know why I pulled you over sir?"
Is it because I'm Black?
(audience laughing)
Now I wasn't being an ass, nor was I joking,
I'd just been informed that as a Black person in America
if you drive a really nice car, there's a good chance
you're gonna get pulled over by the police.
So in my world, he was doing his job as I'd been told.
Yeah I wasn't judging him in fact I was a little flattered,
I was like thank you very much mister officer.
For noticing this bad boy right here, that's right.
2015 baby.
I was really excited.
He was more freaked out though, 'cause I said to him
is it because I'm Black.
And then he did this thing that I've come to learn
is the reaction of white people in America.
Who, when they hear information
they can't process fast enough, have this thing
where they smile on the outside but on the inside
it's almost as if they short circuiting.
He looks at me and he said "I'm sorry what?"
I said because I'm Black, that's why you pulled me over.
He goes, No, hey, no, hey we, no that is not, no, hey,
no, no, no that is not, (short circuiting noises)
I felt so bad for him.
I think we both learned a lot that day, the two of us.
Grew from that experience.
I was speeding, that's why he pulled me over.
(audience laughing)
But he let me go, fear.
(audience laughing)
(beeping noise)