♪♪♪ >> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST. >> WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS ABOUT
KIM JUNG UNWHO IS THE HARRY STYLES OF NORTH KOREA.
THE MISSILE LAUNCH AS IT TOOK OFF IMMEDIATELY EXPLODED.
THE FAILED LAUNCH WAS A TRIBUTE TO DONALD TRUMP'S FIRST 100 DAYS
IN OFFICE. AS TENSIONS MOUNTED, VICE 39
MIKE PENCE WAS SENT TO SOUTH KOREA EVEN THOUGH GOING SOUTH IS
A SIN. MEANWHILE DONALD TRUMP SPENT THE
WEEKEND ON THE ONE PENINSULA, FLORIDA.
>> IN AN INTERVIEW, PRESIDENT TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT NORTH KOREA
CHANGED AFTER MEETING WITH CHINA'S PRESIDENT.
AFTER LISTENING FOR 10 MINUTES, I REALIZED IT'S NOT SO EASY.
THE NORTH KOREA PART OR THE LISTENING FOR 10 MINUTES.
NOTHING SAID I WASN'T LISTENED MORE THAN I LISTENED FOR 10
MINUTES. YOU CAN'T JUST ASK HIM TO CHECK
OUT A NEW MIX TAPE. >> THIS WEEK THE MILITARY
DROPPED THE MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS IN AFGHANISTAN.
IT COST TOOK OUT 94 MEMBERS OF ISIS.
FOX NEWS SPENT $13 MILLION TO GET RID OF FIVE WOMEN.
THE BOMB HIT ISIS-K, A REGIONAL DIVISION OF ISIS AND KELLOGGS'S
LEAST POPULAR BREAKFAST CEREAL. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP GAVE AN
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW TO FOX BUSINESS RECOUNTING THE MEETING
WITH THE CHINESE PRESIDENT. TAKE A LOOK.
>> I WAS SITTING AT THE TABLE AND WE FINISHED DINNER AND
HAVING DESSERT. WE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE
OF CHOCOLATE CAKE THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.
>> FIRST OF ALL, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO CAKES I HAVE SEEN.
AND SECOND, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE IT EASY ON THE CAKE.
YOU ALREADY HAVE A BUTT LIKE AN ATLANTA STRIPPER.
TRUMP GOT BACK ON TRACK AND GAVE US THE SPECIFIC DETAILS.
>> WHAT HAPPENS IS I SAID WE JUST LAUNCHED 59 MISSILES
HEADING TO IRAQ. >> HEADING TO SYRIA.
>> YES. HEADING TOWARDS SYRIA.
>> YOU SURE, BRO? THAT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT.
TRUMP RUNS THE COUNTRY LIKE HOMER SIMPSON RUNS THE POWER
PLANT. THEY ARE ASKING ABOUT MISSILE
STRIKES AND HE IS THINKING MMM, CAKE.
>> FLORIDA HEALTH INSPECTORS ISSUED 13 VIOLATIONS AGAINST
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S MAR A LAGO RESORT.
TRUMP IS NOT WORRIED SINCE HE BUILT UP IMMUNITY TO DISEASES
FROM A TIME OF WAITERS SPITTING IN HIS FOOD.
THEY REQUESTED A $60 MILLION BUDGET INCREASE ON TOP OF WHAT
IS SET ASIDE PROTECTING TRUMP AND HIS FAMILY.
$134 MILLION FOR PROTECTION. ARE YOU GETTING IRON MAN SUITS?
NO FAMILY IS IN THAT MUCH DANGER.
I GREW UP IN NEW YORK IN THE PROJECTS DURING THE CRACK 80s
AND ALL WE HAD WAS A PIT BULL AND A PRAYING GRANDMOTHER.
IF ONE OF US GOT HURT, THAT WAS JUST GOD'S PLAN, BABY.
YOU PUT DOWN CANDLES ON THE BASKETBALL COURT AND MOVE ON.
>> BEN CARSON CORE THE HOUSING COMPLEX AND SPENT 45 MINUTES
TRYING TO DIAL 911 ON THE 4 BUTTON.
>> DR. CARSON SAID IT WAS ALMOST AS EMBARRASSING AS THE TIME HE
GOT STUCK ON THIS ESCALATOR. AND SHOCKING NEWS THIS WEEK,
UNITED IS POSSIBLY NOT A GREAT AIRLINE.
ON THURSDAY, A PASSENGER ON ONE OF THEIR FLIGHT WAS STUNG BY A
SCORPION THAT FELL FROM AN OVERHEAD BIN AND THAT WAS THE
BEST THING THAT HAPPENED ON A UNITED AIRLINES THIS WEEK.
THE WORST THING IS THIS POOR DOCTOR WAS DRAGGED OFF OF AN
OVERSOLD FLIGHT TO MAKE ROOM FOR UNITED EMPLOYEES.
YOUR SLOGAN IS FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING LESS APPROPRIATE.
LIKE IF CHIPOTLE'S SLOGAN WAS YOU WILL HAVE AN EASY TIME ON
THE TOILET. I WILL SAY IN FAIRNESS, UNITED
ONLY PROMISES TO BE FRIENDLY IN THE SKIES.
ON THE GROUND THEIR SLOGAN IS DON'T EVEN LOOK AT US.
AFTER ALL OF THIS, I WILL NEVER FLY UNITED EVER AGAIN.
UNLESS THEY HAVE A CHEAP FLIGHT TO WHEREVER I'M GOING.
IN WHICH CASE, I WILL DEFINITELY FLY UNITED.