(upbeat music)
- As you may know, and as you should know,
today was a very special day for the Queen.
And no, I'm not talking about Beyonce.
I'm talking about the original Queen,
the crown-wearing, Range Rover driving
96 year old five foot giant whose face has been on money
longer than any of us losers have even been alive.
Long live the Queen!
(crowd cheering)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Every one of us from the colonies,
we just get so excited when we talk about the Queen.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, they whipped it into us when we were kids.
It's not my fault.
Where was I?
Oh yes, yes.
Queen Elizabeth II has now officially been on the throne
for 70 years, which means it's time to throw a little party.
- [News Announcer] Four days of parades and pageantry
underway in London this morning
to celebrate the historic 70 year reign of Queen Elizabeth.
Hundreds of thousands gathering
outside of Buckingham Palace.
(crowd cheering)
Tens of millions watching around the world.
An event filled with royal tradition and ceremony.
- [News Announcer] 1,500 troops, 350 horses.
This pageantry is the envy of the world.
- [News Announcer] At Stonehenge, they have been
showing pictures of the queen from different decades.
- [News Announcer] The jubilee's official dessert,
a seven layer lemon trifle in honor of the Queen's
seven decades of service.
- The queen has given us her life, really.
- I love her.
She's beautiful.
- God save the queen.
- The incredible composure of the Queen herself
standing on that balcony.
Just how glamorous Kate looked.
I mean, she is becoming an icon.
And then little Prince Louis who looked,
frankly bored and a little unimpressed by the whole thing.
- Yeah, of course he's bored.
Don't forget, he's a prince, okay?
So to him, she's not the Queen of England in her palace,
she's just Granny in her house
with the grandma smell, all right?
(audience laughing)
It doesn't matter what the spectacle is,
at the end of the day, he is still a little kid
at a family party.
If you want to hold his interest,
do you know what you've got to do?
You've got to give him an iPad, yeah.
That's what I do with four year olds
whenever I look after them, yeah?
I put YouTube on auto play, and then boom,
they sit for like 10 hours straight.
Yeah, I'm the world's best babysitter,
and they come away understanding that Bush did 9/11.
(audience laughing)
But seriously, this looked like so much fun.
Four days of parties.
It's like a Burning Man where nobody's pretending
to be poor.
They've got 1,500 troops, hundreds of horses,
seven layer desserts.
The only part I didn't enjoy
was when they projected the Queen onto Stonehenge.
Yeah, that felt kind of like an age thing, you know?
It was like, hey, you two know each other, don't you?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, Queen, say hi to the stone faces.
And while this extravaganza may seem excessive to people,
you've got to admit, 70 years on the throne is impressive.
In fact, it's impressive for any job.
Who else has held onto a job for that long, huh?
I mean, if you think about it,
in fact maybe it's time for the Queen to try something new.
(audience laughing)
I mean, with the skills she's learned at this job,
she could try something else.
She would be an incredible Walmart greeter, you know?
(audience laughing)
It's like plasma screens in aisle five.
(audience laughing)
She could be a consultant on the next season
of "Bridgerton", you know, just being like, it's not bad,
but I wish we had this many chocolate hunks in my day.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, or the best role of all.
She could be a rapper.
Yeah, the Queen would be seamless in that.
She's got the body guards, she's got the bling,
she just went platinum.
All she needs now is to start a beef with another monarch.
Yeah, you want some of this emperor, Naruhito?
Didn't think so, bitch.
(percussive music)
After two days of excruciating waiting,
the royal baby finally has a name.
- Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have announced
the name of the newest member of the royal family,
their son Archie Harrison Mountbatten Windsor.
Earlier today, the joyous new parents
spoke to the press at Windsor Castle.
- It's magic.
It's pretty amazing.
I mean, I have the two best guys in the world,
so I'm really happy.
- We're just so thrilled to have
our own little bundle of joy.
We hope to spend some precious times with him
as he slowly starts to grow up.
- Oh, they're so sweet.
(audience laughing)
Although I do have to admit this, right?
I always find it weird when people introduce a new baby,
because if you think about it, there's such a big contrast
between the end product and how it was made, you know?
(audience laughing)
You know, because if we were honest,
we're really overjoyed to welcome this pure little miracle,
the result of our sweaty night of just
more dogging, hashtag blessed.
(audience laughing)
And it's especially weird because when it's the royals,
it's big news that they did one of humanity's
most basic biological functions,
but that's what having a baby is.
It's just something your body does, something humans do.
It's like if there was a front page news story
and the headline was just, "Gary Farted".
(audience laughing)
But anyway, welcome to the world, little Archie.
And I know some people are disappointed by the name Archie,
but there's one person who's super excited, the Queen.
Yeah, because you know for the last nine months,
she's been like, please don't be Jamal,
please don't be Jamal, please don't be Jamal,
please don't be Jamal.
(percussive music)
The British royal family.
They're like the Kardashians with an occasional beheading.
(audience laughing)
Now, the royal family has had plenty of scandals
in their time, but right now they're going through
an unprecedented crisis.
Last week, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced
that they're no longer going to be
on the family phone plan anymore.
And so today, the Queen called everyone together
for an emergency royal summit.
- We move now, we just mentioned a couple of seconds ago,
the latest drama surrounding the royals.
The Queen, as we speak, holding a crisis summit
with her family in the wake of Prince Harry
and Meghan Markle's stunning decision
to step back from their role.
- Harry and his dad, Charles,
and brother William were there,
and Meghan Markle reportedly called in from Canada.
- Yes, the Queen summoned everyone to a private meeting
at her royal country house, and everyone attended
except Meghan Markle, who conference called in.
And I'll be honest, I don't blame Meghan
for not going, because nothing good happens
when white people invite you to the countryside.
(audience laughing)
We all know.
(audience applauding)
We've all seen it.
We've all seen "Get Out".
We know how this shit ends.
(audience laughing and applauding)
And by the way, how gangster is it
that the queen is 93 years old
and still driving herself, huh?
That is so dope.
93 years old.
She's in a Range Rover like she's in a hip hop video
from the '90s.
(audience laughing)
Like you could throw some biggie under that clip
and it wouldn't look out of place.
(hip hop music)
(audience laughing and applauding)
Anyway, the big question everyone's asking
right now is why?
(audience laughing)
Why would Harry and Meghan want out of a life
that so many people dream of having?
I mean, think about it.
We kiss frogs to try and become royalty, huh?
The only thing I've ever gotten is frog herpes.
(audience laughing)
But for Harry and Meghan in particular,
the reality of being a royal couple
has been far from a fairy tale.
- [News Announcer] Just a few months
into their relationship, British tabloids descended on them
with racially charged headlines and commentary,
like this one from the Daily Mail that read,
"Harry's girl is almost straight out of Compton".
- A British DJ has been fired for a controversial tweet
about the royal baby.
The BBC's Danny Baker posted a photo
showing a couple holding hands with a chimpanzee,
and the caption read, "Royal baby leaves hospital".
- [News Announcer] The wife of one of the Queen's cousins,
Princess Michael of Kent, wore what's called
a Blackamoor brooch to the Queen's annual Christmas lunch
with Harry and Meghan in attendance.
The jewelry is widely viewed as racist
for its depiction of Black people.
- Wow.
Wearing a Blackamoor brooch to meet Meghan's family.
You're meeting Meghan Markle, you're meeting everyone else.
That is next level.
Like I wonder if this woman has a cabinet
full of racist brooches for different occasions.
(audience laughing)
Like who even has that?
Is she just like, Jeeves, I'm off to Korea.
Fetch me my necklace of a dog in a frying pan please.
(audience laughing)
We're going all the way.
But this shows you some of what Meghan was up against,
all right?
To her critics, you've got to understand.
Meghan was everything people didn't want
in the royal family.
She's Black, she's from the middle class, she's a divorcee,
and worst of all, she said the American version
of "The Office" is way better.
(audience laughing)
And the biggest culprits of the Meghan criticism
has been the British tabloid press.
I mean, just look at a few of these stories.
It went viral this weekend, how they covered Meghan
in comparison to Kate Middleton, right?
Direct stories.
When Kate was pregnant, the Daily Mail said,
"Pregnant Kate tenderly cradles her baby bump".
But when Meghan did the exact same thing,
the headline was, "Why can't Meghan Markle
keep her hands off her bump?
Is it pride, vanity, acting?"
The press did this with everything.
When Kate was pregnant, the Express said
that she was eating avocados for her morning sickness cure.
But then then when Meghan at them,
suddenly Meghan's beloved avocados
were linked to human rights abuse and droughts.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, and I mean, think about it.
Prince Andrew's over here having sleepovers
at Jeffrey Epstein's house, and the British press
is like, Meghan Markle ordered guacamole.
(audience laughing)
So it's completely understandable that Harry and Meghan
would want to step away from all of this hate in the UK.
But now everyone is wondering what they'll do
to support themselves without any of that royal cash.
Well, good news.
Meghan's already got herself a job.
- Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex, is reportedly working
on a deal to record a voiceover for Disney.
Meghan and Prince Harry met with Disney's CEO
at the London premiere of "The Lion King" in July,
where Harry appeared to discuss possible future projects.
(crowd talking)
- Okay, wait.
Prince Harry really did that at a movie premiere last year?
He asked the CEO of Disney
to hook his wife up with voiceovers.
And I mean, don't get me wrong.
On the one hand, husband goals.
(audience laughing)
On the other hand, you've got to admit
the monarchy has fallen off, right?
Because back in the day, it used to be like
if you marry my daughter, I'll give you Burgundy.
And now it's like, my wife actually does
a pretty good Timon.
You should hear her.
(audience laughing)
Come on, baby, do the thing.
Hakuna matata, do the thing.
And you know what's funny is whenever you see
the world's most powerful people talking,
we always assume that they're talking
about important things like climate change
or world peace or the next illuminati orgy.
But it turns out they're all just hustling.
Yeah, it's like, oh, did I mention I started selling fudge?
Take my card with my website on it.
It's billgatesfudge.com.
(audience laughing)
But that's where we are right now.
Meghan and Harry are on their way to a new life,
the press is losing one of their favorite targets,
and the Queen is so angry about it
that she's about to go do some drive-bys.
(percussive music)
The royal family.
They're like the Kardashians,
but less welcoming to Black people.
(audience laughing)
It's been a month since Harry and Meghan announced
that they wanted to leave the family,
and now they've been told that they're free to go,
but they've got to leave their name tags behind.
- [News Announcer] Harry and Meghan will soon be
royal no more, at least publicly.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex released new details
about their plan to step down from formal royal duties,
including an agreement with the Queen
to not use the word royal in any future
philanthropic or commercial pursuits.
Though they will formally retain
their royal highness titles, they will no longer be able
to use them after the transition takes place on March 31st.
- Damn, Harry and Meghan are losing their titles?
That's the most embarrassing royal loss
since William's hairline.
(audience laughing)
But yes, the Queen has announced that Harry and Meghan
can no longer describe themselves as royal.
And I won't lie, if I was Harry and Meghan,
I'd be like, fine, then we'll be known as royale.
(audience laughing)
It's actually pretty funny how petty the Queen is being.
Because basically, you know what she's doing.
She's trying to turn Harry and Meghan
from the official royals to the store brand.
That's what she's doing.
Like you know how the store brand
is kind of like the brand name, but just off slightly,
like Frosted Flakes will have Tony the Tiger,
but then the store brand is a weird polar bear?
(audience laughing)
So then every morning you have to look at the box
while you're eating cereal, and you're like,
I wish my mom didn't buy you.
(audience laughing)
But I'll be honest, I don't think the Queen
is gonna win this one, because it's not like
Harry and Meghan need those titles
for us to know who they are.
No one hears names like Harry and Meghan
and they're like, which Harry and Meghan?
The ones from Nashville?
Is that them?
(percussive music)
The British royal family, aka England's 1,200 year
genetics experiments.
When Prince Harry and Meghan Markle quit the family business
a year ago, many people wondered why they would leave
an institution with such awesome wealth and prestige.
But now it looks like they've found something
almost as good, podcasting.
- Britain's Prince Harry and his wife Meghan
are becoming podcasters.
In an audio announcement, the couple said
that they will host and produce podcasts for Spotify
in conjunction with their company, Archewell Audio.
Spotify says the couple's first podcast
will be a holiday special this month,
featuring stories of hope and compassion
to celebrate the new year.
The first complete series is expected next year.
- (laughing) Yo guys.
Meghan Markle has completely flipped
the royal family on its head.
Five years ago, they were like, Meghan Markle is now
the Duchess of Sussex and must be addressed as such.
Now they're like, Prince Harry is offering 20% off
Caspar mattresses with promo code blue blood 2020.
But still guys, podcasting?
I mean, it's good to see that even though they've left
the royal family, Harry and Meghan are carrying on
the tradition of not having real jobs.
Now, I'm joking man, no hate, no hate.
I'm glad that Harry's living his best life now.
And it's gonna be so hilarious
when he explains this to the Queen.
So what is it that you do exactly, Harry?
What is it that you do exactly, Grandma?
Ah, touche.
(percussive music)
The British royal family, aka the world's
number one exporter of Black daughters-in-law.
The royals have gotten a lot of criticism
for some old-fashioned racist attitudes,
but now they're committing to making a major step
into the 20th century.
- This morning, in the aftermath of disturbing claims
of racism made by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex,
there are now reports that the royal family
will soon appoint a diversity chief.
Yeah, it was during an interview with Oprah
that Harry and Meghan said that an unnamed member
of the royal family raised the issue
of how dark their child would be potentially.
A Buckingham Palace source says that plans have been
in the works for a so-called diversity czar
prior to the explosive interview.
- Okay, I think it's great that the royal family
is hiring a diversity czar,
but you guys don't have to pretend
that you were already planning on doing this.
I mean, this isn't a family that cares about diversity.
The Queen has been in power for what, 70 years,
and she's only ever had one kind of dog.
So clearly the royal family could use some help
from a diversity czar, you know?
They can teach the Queen why it was wrong
for the one Black Spice Girl to be called scary.
They can teach her what BBC really stands for.
Hell, the only thing they don't need to teach the Queen
is how to dress for Black church.
But the big question is how exactly will the diversity czar
carry out all these changes?
Well, to find out, I'm really excited to announce
that we have been granted an exclusive interview
with the new diversity czar for the royal family.
I think we actually have him on now.
Hello.
- Hello Trevor.
Yeah.
Or should I say, hello Trevor?
- Michael Costa?
You're the Queen's diversity czar?
How did you get the job?
- Prince William and I go way back.
The Windsors used to hire me to lose to him in tennis.
- No, I mean, you're a white guy.
Why wouldn't the royal family hire somebody more diverse
for the diversity job?
- Well, you know, they thought about it but then
people were so angry after the whole Archie controversy,
they just decided to make Black people happy
and pick a white guy.
- No, I don't think.
You know, whatever.
Okay, let's just get into it.
What is your plan to make the royal family
more accepting of diversity?
- Well, first off Trevor, people underestimate
how diverse the royal family already is.
You know, we have Welsh people,
we have Scottish people, we have zombies.
It's a rainbow over here.
- Costa, none of those actually count.
The royal family needs to do a better job
of promoting inclusivity among Black and brown people.
- Way ahead of you, Trevor.
And we've got a great idea for how to do that.
You see, the problem with the British
is that too many of them are white,
so our new idea is for the British to reach out
to non-white countries and make them British.
Boom, instant diversity.
- Costa, that sounds like colonization.
- What?
No, I'm describing partnership.
Britain's partners give Britain their diversity,
and also their raw materials, and in return,
Britain will teach them cricket
the world's most exciting sport.
This is a win-win for everyone.
- Costa, that is definitely colonization.
You're talking about re-starting the British empire.
- Look, call it whatever you want, Trevor,
but the fact is this is the only way
the royal family's gonna survive.
Now look, do you want more seasons of "The Crown" or not?
- Oh.
All right, good luck with your colonization, Costa.
- Thank you.
- I really want to see season five.
(upbeat music)