Kumail yeah Mr Batista
hey hi you're going to be taking a lie
detector test today
okay
you guys ready yep yeah I guess so one
of you will be hooked up to the machine
while the other asks questions
and then you'll switch okay
first who wants to be strapped in first
oh just start me up okay I'm just
dropped him
Dave will get drafted first
[Music]
yeah you've done this before lie
detector test yeah no why would you
assume that I've done the line
I can't accept it I'm not wrong
okay are you ready kind of I feel like
I'm set up for failure because it's so
uncomfortable and sorry like the light
just relax
interrogated as long as you're trying to
truth you have nothing to worry about I
only tell the truth okay here we go so
I'm just going to set up a baseline to
make sure the
numbers are good okay is your name Dave
Batista
no
it's David Michael Bautista Junior I
don't know I'm trying to be honest okay
all right were you born born in
Washington DC I was
okay yes are you ready to take this lie
detector test
yes
how many tattoos do you have David
um
six six you have six tattoos yes
six huge ones well these are all
connected so I figure they're just it's
one okay so if that's overlap yeah it's
one have you ever had a tattoo removed
no
would you ever consider getting a
friendship tattoo with me yes
so what is it David Michael Batista Jr
yes
so David Michael Bautista Junior you
collect uh vintage lunch boxes is that
true that is true
do you think that makes you less
intimidating
yes
[Laughter]
yes
a 1967 Green Hornet lunch box okay and
why is that your favorite one because it
has Bruce Lee on it
you're the most adorable
is it true you were once a nightclub
bouncer yes
true 13 years do you think you love me
to the club
yes what if I was wearing flip-flops and
jeans it depends on which club okay
did you see a lot of Ed Hardy when you
were a bouncer no okay it was Ed Hardy
was uh after her husband
so you're the father of a few pit bulls
is that correct two yes would you say
do you think a Pit Bull is your spirit
animal probably not what would it be
what would your spirit animal be
gerbil gerbil
something I don't know something
probably
smaller and a little more lovable
you're very lovable
um what would you say my spirit animal
would be
an eagle okay wow
do you follow an account on Instagram
called pigs on Insta wow if you guys
went through we're following an insta
I'm in trouble
uh yes uh that's correct yes why
because I love pigs okay I love pigs and
I don't believe people should eat pork
Dorney Park
is it true you're you're part of the WWE
for 20 years
just under 20 years yes
you miss it I miss it very much do you
miss wrestling
this guy
uh I will I don't at this point because
it's still very fresh but yes he was the
best you miss wearing the wrestling
outfit
um no
do you still wear a Speedo to swim yes
which is why I don't miss it
stuff your Speedo never
do guys do that
I I don't I'm sure they do okay
do you think I could take on any of the
wrestlers the WWE wrestlers yes
definitely
most of the current roster
uh what do you think my wrestler name
would be we talked about yes
have you ever watched the television
show glow yes
do you know what glow stands for she is
yeah Betty uh glamorous ladies of
wrestling gorgeous gorgeous ladies
firstly would you consider yourself to
be a gorgeous man of wrestling no well
bad news everyone else does
would you say Marvel fans are crazier
than wrestling fans
no not even close okay here's a big
question okay
do you do push-ups on set before the
cameras roll
not regularly just what I have in my
career yes yes when it's a short listing
or something no not even when it's a
shirtlessing but I once was uh
I saw another guy doing push-ups and I
figured him if he's going to do pushes
I'm going to do pushes
who was the other guy
um
I remember the movie it was man with the
iron fist yeah
I don't remember the actor
has he lied so far yet
he has not lied yet I'm an honest person
it's gonna be bad
do you think if I followed your workout
regimen I could be as big as you
no
that wasn't a lie was it
yeah that's the truth
it's it's a matter of structure I am a
gorilla-esque person yeah I have a big
head I have big bones big hands long
arms
so genetically that's correct but you
could be a very muscular person you
could think of stuff
you answered it already who would win in
an arm wrestle Drax or grouped
Groot really yes I think he's stronger
than Drex he's got that tree strike yeah
I think uh Drax is just meaner than
Groot he's more tenacious this is a deaf
one okay what about a wrestling match
between you and this guy an arm
wrestling match
[Laughter]
who would win sorry then he should have
flexed that a chance
I love you buddy
I love you dude but not a chance
uh would I be a good addition to the MCU
yes
uh did you know I'm in the new Men in
Black
the next question is are you jealous and
that depends on whether or not you've
been to Rotten Tomatoes in the last
couple of days I no comment on the
ratings that uh Men In Black is getting
but yes that you are a part of that
franchise is I'm definitely jealous
you are in uh the new movie stuber is
that correct that is correct what was
your first impression of me
I
thought you were a very warm human being
you greeted me with a great big smile
and you were excited to meet me in a
mental
a lot first impressions are everything
do you have a good Uber rating
I don't I I'm not aware of what my Uber
rating is but I imagine it's decent
Wicked Tipper yeah they're quiet
passengers I don't fart in the car I'm a
very polite person very polite passenger
do you think I have a good Uber rating
you know the answer to that you know the
answer
how can anybody give you a bad rating
if acting doesn't work out would you
consider becoming an Uber driver
um maybe you could tell me I just don't
think I'd be a good Uber driver yeah but
but I'm a safe driver right that might
go a long way I'm just not very
conversational person
which might go a long way as well
has he lied yet
no
he has not at any point during this
interview did you lie and we didn't
catch you
yes
and what was that question it was do I
remember who I did the push-ups for and
who was it I don't I don't want to say
because I love and respect this person
very much
hold on hold on one second okay
hold on we're going to continue this
okay real quick was it the Reza it was
the result yeah he was doing curls we
were getting ready to do our fight scene
he was doing curls
like you
all right well you did great thanks
I didn't do it
get it admit it
all right
first question this we're just gonna
start caging this make sure it's
accurate is your name Kamel najiani
Kamala Lena and Gianni yes and were you
born in Karachi Pakistan I was
have you ever taken a lie detector test
before I have
really cool yeah for one
it was for a comedy showed a lie
detector test while doing stand-up you
weren't accused of a crime no I've never
been accused of a crime okay okay let's
get started so you moved the United
States and you were 18 is that correct
18 or 19 yes I'm around there and did
you do very cliche American activities
when you first moved here
such as what
eating apple pie and going to baseball
games I did not go to baseball games but
I do love apple pie
um did you buy any I heart New York New
York gear no the only I heart thing I
have is an i heart Singapore t-shirt got
you
and you moved here to go to college this
is correct
and would you say you had a true
American college experience
I mean I wasn't like partying or I
wasn't in a frat or anything like that
but I had a great answer is no answer is
no
would you say your experience was more
Revenge of the Nerds or Animal House
oh
I would say more Revenge of the Nerds if
what they're getting at is that I was a
nerd yes I was a nerd I was not an
animal
if those are the two options
in order animals some of us are nerds
and some of us are animals yeah you're
an actual animal it worked out right
yeah yeah it worked out
do you think we would have been friends
in college
I would like to think so me too
do you think you would have helped me
get good grades
you wouldn't need my help to get good
grades yes I would then I would help you
would you let me cheat off your test yes
you would yeah so yeah I love you too I
used to help people cheat all the time
is it true you first flirted with your
now wife by writing her name and Urdu
that's correct correct slick dude you
got game
I have no game did I ever tell you that
what are you talking about zero game I
don't buy that I swear to God I've I
know things
do you still use that move to get people
to like you no no just with Emily no
it's in the movie everyone knows
all right uh
why have you never written my name or do
I can do it today
that's my tattoo yeah
do you speak word too you might
pronounce that right or do you yeah yeah
can you teach me a phrase yeah what
phrase do you want
suck my balls into Urdu I use that a lot
on Twitter yeah so now I can use it
without you sir I made it to teach you
something that's right all right that
means translated
all right before you married your wife
did you ever use dating apps
no no
I tried but I never went on a date with
when it was like before that it was
early on so go on and look around but I
didn't have around with the idea yeah
yeah I think I might have met someone on
like
Myspace or Friendster or something like
that right
that's great uh do you think modern
technology is ruining Romance
no
no if I were on Tinder what would you
write in my bio
oh really see I don't because I never
did it I don't know what's good to write
I would just say I'm Dave Batista
what more do you want
that's that's pretty much the amount of
my game
would you swipe right on me yes yes
all right your wife was a therapist and
your father is a psychiatrist is that
correct that
she doesn't practice anymore gotcha
so would you call yourself emotionally
intelligent
sometimes I think all the time I think
you're super emotionally intelligent
you're super in touch all right would
you say you have more emotional
intelligence than intellectual
intelligence
I don't know I'm trying to have more
emotional intelligence but I do think I
I do consider myself smart
but in Marshall intelligence it's
something I'm trying to work on
would you say your wife uses the phrase
and how does that make you feel alive
she does not she basically gets that
across without saying that phrase
because she knows I'm looking out for
that phrase she's got my number she
knows what to do
all right would you call me emotionally
intelligent yes
if I started to cry right now would you
handle it would be able to handle it
yeah yeah
what would you do
I whatever I listen to you put my arm
around your shoulder I get a step stool
and then put my arm around your shoulder
you are super emotionally intelligent
dude
all right what about this man
Judd Apatow yeah
what about him I think he's great
he is great I'd love to work with him
again he was a he was a producer on big
sick do you think he's funny yes
do you think he's do you think he's
funnier than me
is it funnier than you it's different
kinds of funny
did he ever crack a joke that wasn't
funny but you but you left anyway just
to be nice yeah
I don't blame you I would have done the
same thing this is why we get along we
get each other man
okay you play an Uber driver and our new
movie stuber
and you played a part-time Uber driver
in the big sick
but you've never been an Uber driver in
real life is that correct this is
correct ah did you do ride alongs with
the Uber drivers to to prep for this
movie now
oh
do you have Uber Elite status
I don't know what that is I don't know
yet no either what Uber
and now I know there's a thing called
like a Subway black card where you get
like free sandwiches every day or
something they have Nando's black too oh
do you have that I don't have one do you
have any any of these no I just kind of
go and pay like everybody else yeah me
too I always feel like if they give you
something then you owe them something
right that's right that's exactly right
yeah
so but I do love Nando's
um sorry I'm not thinking about food at
any point during this interview did you
lie and we didn't catch you
I didn't mean to
is that a yes it's I don't think I lied
I don't think you did either sir
did he lie did I lie no
you're not a liar
you're an honest man