>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> HI, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE WILL DEPLOY MORE THAN
15,000 TROOPS TO THE U.S./MEXICO BORDER TO STOP A MIGRANT CARAVAN
FROM ENTERING THE COUNTRY. MEAN WHILE A SECOND MIGRANT
CARAVAN JUST PULLED UP TO LANDSCAPE MIR-A-LAGO.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEY'RE CALLING THIS MISSION TO
THE BORDER OPERATION FAITHFUL PATRIOT,
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A COMPANY THAT SELLS REVERSE MORTGAGES AND
CATHETERS. [ LAUGHTER ]
UNFUN FACT, -- AND FUN FACT, FAITHFUL PATRIOT IS WHAT HE
YELLS OUT DURING SEX. >> YOU KNOW WHO'S GETTING OFF
WAY TOO EASY ON THIS? IT'S CANADA.
THERE ARE TWO BORDERS IN THIS COUNTRY BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS
STOPPING MEXICANS. MEANWHILE, YOU KNOW HOW EASY IT
IS TO GET IN THIS COUNTRY FROM WHITE-ASA CANADIANS?
I BET HE HAS A MEXICAN CARD. OF ALL OF THE THINGS THAT SCARE
THEM, SALT, STAIRS, JOEL OSTEEN. IF ANYTHING, WHY ARE YOU AFRAID,
YOU NEED TO SKOP YOUR KIDS FROM STEALING ALL OF THE PAIN PILLS.
>> MEANWHILE, TRUMP HAS LAUNCHED AN AD SAYING THINGS ARE GETTING
BETTER. WE CAN'T GO BACK.
IN MY EXPERIENCE, THE WAY YOU KNOW THINGS ARE NOT GETTING
BETTER IS WHEN PEOPLE ARE TELLING YOU THINGS ARE GETTING
BETTER. FOR EXAMPLE, THE SUBWAY.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE SUBWAY IS FULL OF ADS ABOUT HOW THE SUBWAY IS
IMPROVING. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
AND -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH. I KNOW ABOUT THESE ADS, BECAUSE
I READ THEM WHEN I'M TRYING NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A GUY
TAKING A DUMP IN A McDONALD'S BAG.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT SAID, IT'S STILL BETTER
THAN THE DEMOCRATS' MIDTERM SLOGAN, "OH, MAN, ARE WE GOING
TO BLOW THIS AGAIN?" [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> MIDTERMS ARE THIS TUESDAY AND THIS ELECTION WILL PROBABLY
COME DOWN TO THE PEOPLE WHO NEVER VOTE.
LIKE ME. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
PERSONALLY, I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T THINK EVERYBODY'S VOTE
SHOULD COUNT THE SAME THOUGH. YOU KNOW?
LIKE, THERE'S NO WAY MY VOTE SHOULD COUNT AS MUCH AS OBAMA'S.
IF TWO DOCTORS DISAGREE ON A DIAGNOSIS, THEY DON'T TURN TO
THE JANITOR AND SAY, YOU WANT TO BREAK THE TIE, CARL?
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M GOING TO VOTE THIS TIME
BECAUSE PEOPLE TELL ME THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE.
BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME LAST TIME.
YOU KNOW? IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GET THOSE
BILLS THAT SAY FINAL NOTICE. IT'S NEVER THE FINAL NOTICE.
[ LAUGHTER ] IF IT WERE, YOU WOULD BE LIKE
GOOD, I GUESS I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR FREE THEN, BITCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] I KNOW A LOT OF WHITE LIBERALS
ARE PROBABLY ARE BLAMING ME NOW FOR
NOT VOTING. BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I MEAN, THEY'RE THE ONES WASTING THEIR VOTES IN NEW YORK AND
NOT EVEN FROM HERE. IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A
DIFFERENCE, WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO OHIO, MEGHAN!
OR WHEREVER YOUR PARENTS ARE PAYING YOUR RENT FROM AND VOTE
THERE. YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW HOW THOSE RED STATES STAY RED?
BY SENDING ALL OF THEIR LIBERAL KIDS TO COASTAL CITIES TO STUDY
IMPROV. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> OPRAH WINFREY WENT DOOR TO
DOOR IN GEORGIA TO CAMPAIGN FOR DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE
STACEY ABRAMS, WHICH IS GREAT. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW
DISAPPOINTED YOU'D BE IF OPRAH SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR AND IT
WAS JUST TO DISCUSS POLITICS? [ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS WOMAN IN GEORGIA OPENING HER DOOR FOR
OPRAH. SHE DEFINITELY THINKS SHE'S
GETTING A NEW CAR. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND NOT A PAMPHLET ABOUT STACEY ABRAMS.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE IF YOU WERE A KID AND SANTA CAME DOWN THE
CHIMNEY ON CHRISTMAS WITH NO PRESENTS, JUST A PAMPHLET ABOUT
STACEY ABRAMS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS IN FLORIDA THURSDAY PREACHING A
MESSAGE OF HOPE AND UNITY. OKAY, BUT DID HE KNOW THAT HE
WAS SPEAKING IN FLORIDA? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IN FLORIDA, HOPE IS JUST THE NAME OF A STRIPPER WHO TOOK BATH
SALTS AND BIT OFF HER NEIGHBOR'S FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE WHOLE IDEA OF UNITY WENT OUT
THE WINDOW TWO YEARS AGO. I MEAN, BEN & JERRY'S IS
RELEASING A NEW FLAVOR CALLED PECAN RESIST TO HONOR PEOPLE WHO
PROTEST THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
IT'S NEVER A GREAT SIGN FOR DEMOCRACY
WHEN ICE CREAM IS TAKING SIDES. [ LAUGHTER ]