(drums)
- Junior, senior year I lived in an
apartment building with six other guys.
One day one of my roommates,
whose name I am going to make up,
we'll call him Maximilian,
was buying illegal drugs from his illegal drug dealer.
And Maximilian was a very awkward dude,
and we all made fun of him for it.
Today was no different, he was being
super awkward with this dealer.
Now I had just gotten out of the shower,
and I'm wearing a towel but I couldn't waste a moment
getting downstairs to make fun of Maximilian.
He gets tired of it, so he's over
by the front door and he says,
Ha ha ha, oh Grant there's a package over here for you.
And so I go over to the door and Maximilian
grabs the towel, pulls it off,
pushes me out of the apartment, and locks the door.
So now I'm standing in the hallway
of the apartment building, just totally naked.
Cue the elevator door opening,
there's the drug dealer who just left.
He says, oh shit man I'm sorry, I left my book inside.
I had been pounding on the door,
and listening to everybody laugh,
and then I started really pounding on the door.
They eventually open the door.
I sprint in, and I hear the drug dealer come in,
get his book, and say, aw man, you guys are crazy.
And then he stopped selling us weed.
- My worst roommate experience was with a woman,
who had a dog, and she told me when I moved in that
the dog knew how to use the bathroom.
Reality of what that meant is that the dog would piss
on wee wee pads she left in the bathroom
and take a shit near and around the toilet.
- When I was in college I had two roommates,
one of which was Shelby.
When she initially moved in I told Shelby,
hey we can't have any animals here.
And she was like, aw but I want pets.
And I was like, cool story, no pets.
So one day when I was coming back from school
I came into the apartment and there was no one there.
I remember just being like hearing
this like squeaking noise, like meep meep meep, meep.
And I started yelling like, Shelby, Myra?
Like asking if anyone's home.
No one's home, and I was like oh shit,
it's coming from Shelby's room.
Unannounced I just open the door,
and when I opened the door it like reeked
of some shit, it was like awful,
and there was a kitten on the ground,
and it was like running at me,
and I screamed cause I was so nervous,
and I look in the corner and there's a fucking parrot.
I was freaking out, and I closed the door, and I was like,
I need to find a new roommate.
- My worst roommate experience happened
one of the summers when I was in college,
and I was interning in New York City.
I lived with two Yale girls, Kristen, and Sam.
They were just like the most
privileged people I had ever met.
It was very different for me,
I was not used to people living like that.
Around this time I started realizing
I wanted to be a comedy writer, so I started writing a blog.
I was mentioning them quite a lot in the blog.
It was basically Kristen and Sam themed.
But the stories were like all made up,
very clearly like exaggerations.
They found them and they did not see them as comedy posts.
I was a mean monster.
We had a confrontation and there was a lot of yelling,
but then it seemed like it was gonna be cool.
I went back to my desk, they went back to their things.
So I decided to write a status
about the situation on Facebook,
about how awkward it was, and then I hear, Katie.
And I turn and Kristen is standing right behind me,
reading what I've written, and that
resulted in this like, enormous fight.
She ended up crying and going to the RA.
I remember my explanation for why I didn't get along
with her was like so immature.
I was just like, she's a bitch I don't like her.
She told her side of the story, but she was like crying,
so she got like sympathy points.
It turns out that I was their worst roommate.
They sent me to my own dorm room,
which was like for the bad girls, that had rats in it.
I don't want them seeing me like,
and thinking I'm apologizing,
'cause I'm absolutely not apologizing.
Cool.