>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EXTREMELY FUNNY WRITER WHO HAS SOLD OVER
10 MILLION BOOKS WORLDWIDE.
BUT BEFORE ALL THAT, I KNEW HIM AS MY FRIEND AMY'S OLDER
BROTHER.
PLEASE WELCOME DAVID SEDARIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?
>> FANTASTIC.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
YOU HAVE NOT SEEN YOU IN A LONG, LONG TIME.
>> I THINK THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU WAS AT LaGUARDIA AIRPORT
AND YOU HAD JUST STARTED DOING "THE DAILY SHOW."
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO BE IN FRANCE.
AND YOU WERE AT THE -- >> Stephen: I REMEMBER SEEING
THRU.
THAT WAS IN 1997, DAVID.
THAT MEANS IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS SINCE YOU AND I HAVE SEEN EACH
OTHER?
>> I THINK SO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S CRAZY.
>> BUT I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOUR PROGRESS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S BEEN --
>> Stephen: I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOUR PROGRESS, TOO.
>> AND I GOTTA SAY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU, TOO.
THE FUNNY THING ABOUT YOU, I'VE KNOWN VERY FEW PEOPLE LIKE YOU
IN THAT I KNEW YOU A LONG TIME AGO WHEN YOU WERE AMY'S OLDER,
QUIET BROTHER.
AND SINCE THEN, YOU'VE BECOME THIS-- WELL, YOU ALWAYS WERE,
BUT I HAVE GOTTEN KNOW YOU, LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD, AS THIS
BRILLIANT WRITER.
AND I'M A LITTLE BIT IN AWE OF YOU?
>> REALLY.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.
I LOVE YOUR WORK SO MUCH THAT TALKING TO YOU NOW IS NOT LIKE
TALKING TO AMY'S BROTHER.
IT'S A FAMOUS AUTHOR WHO LOOKS LIKE AMY'S BROTHER.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> BECAUSE WE KNEW EACH ENERGY CHICAGO.
YOU WERE AT SECOND CITY.
>> Stephen: CHICAGO IS A GREAT LEVELER.
>> IT WAS INTERESTING BACK THEN, WITH YOU AT SECOND CITY AND I
WAS AT THE ART INSTITUTE, AND YOU WOULD KIND OF LOOK AROUND
AND THINK, "SOMEBODY'S GOING TO MAKE IT, BUT WHO?"
>> Stephen: RIGHT, RIGHT.
>> BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.
THERE WERE PEOPLEY WOULD THINK, "OH, THAT PERSON IS GOING TO BE
HUGE," AND I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
BEING IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.
LUCK, I GUESS.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'VE WORKED REALLY HARD, HAVEN'T YOU?
>> YEAH, BUT SO ARE YOU.
>> Stephen: AND WE BOTH MADE IT, SO I GUESS THAT'S IT.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
CONGRATULATIONS TO US.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I USED TO LIKE--
>> IT COULDN'T HAPPEN TO BETTER PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: NO.
WE ARE LOVELY FOLKS.
I USED TO LOVE TO HEAR THE STORIES THAT AMY WOULD TELL
ABOUT YOUR FAMILY GOING TO YOUR BEACH HOUSE IN NORTH CAROLINA.
YOU'D HAVE, LIKE, YOUR TANNING CONTESTS.
AND YOU HAVE YOUR EMOLLIENTS-- >> WE ALWAYS HAD A MISS
EMOLLIENT PAGEANT.
WE WOULD GO TO THE BEACH FAIR WEEK, AND YOU HAVE A TAN-- A
COMPETITION TO SEE WHO HAS THE DARKEST TAN.
AND MY SISTER GRETCHEN WINS.
IT WAS-- WE WOULD RENT PLACES.
BUT THEN WE GOT-- WE BOUGHT A PLACE.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU ARE HAVE ONE THERE NOW?
>> YES, BUT THE HOUSES THERE, YOU KNOW, THEY ALL HAVE BEACHY
NAMES LIKE "CLAM-A-LOT."
AND "DUNE-OUR-THING" AND THE "SCHLITZ."
THE ONE WE GOT HAD A DUMB NAME, SO WE NAMED IT TO THE "SEE
SECTION."
I'M GOING TO GET A BOAT AND CALL IT "ROW V.WAVE."
I'M GOING TO PAINT ON THE SIDE, "SEMEN GOT YOU INTO THIS."
>> Stephen: YOUR NEW BOOK IS CALLED "THEFT AND FINDING:
DIARIES, 1977-2002."
FIRST QUESTION, OBVIOUSLY-- DO I APPEAR IN YOUR DIARY?
>> YOU'RE NOT IN THE BOOK, BUT YOU'RE IN MY DIARY.
>> Stephen: SO I'M NOT IN THIS.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU AFRAID I WOULD COME
AFTER YOU WITH A LAWYER OR SOMETHING, DAVID?
>> I SPENT, I DON'T KNOW,IC LIKE THE LAST TWO YEARS GOING THROUGH
MY DIARIES.
I HAD 164 BOOKS THAT ARE ALL BIGGER THAN THAT.
>> Stephen: LIKE YOUR ACTUAL DIARIES IS 164 OF THESE.
>> YEAH.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S LEAK A CRAZY PERSON.
IT'S LIKE TINY HANDWRITING ON THE FRONT AND THE BACK OF THE
PAGE.
SO THAT'S ALL-- THAT'S, LIKE, JUST A TINY FRACTION OF.
>-- >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID IT
TAKE YOU TO WHITTLE THIS DOWN TO THIS RIGHT HERE IF YOU HAVE 164
OF THESE.
WHAT WAS THE LAST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE?
>> WHAT WAS THE LAST YEAR OF MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: WAS IT JUST READING THIS?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE TIME TO WRITE IN YOUR NEW DIARY OR
WAS IT READING THE OLD DIARIES EVERY DAY.
>> THAT'S THING.
AND YOU'RE UNDER NO OBLIGATION, BUT YOU COULD READ THAT BOOK AND
THEN YOU GET TO BE YOURSELF.
YOU PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND YOU GET TO BE YOURSELF.
BUT I HAD TO READ THE BOOK AND THEN STILL BE THE PERSON IN THE
BOOK.
SO IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH OF THAT PERSON.
>> Stephen: WELL WHAT, DID YOU THINK-- WHAT DID YOU THINK--
AFTER READING ABOUT YOURSELF, YOUR OWN THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF
AND YOUR LIFE FROM '77 TO 2002 WHAT, DID YOU THINK OF YOU?
>> I WAS SURPRISED HOW LITTLE I HAD CHANGED, I SUPPOSE.
BUT DO YOU THINK YOU'VE CHANGED A LOT?
I MEAN, MAYBE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHANGED, BUT FUNDAMENTALLY,
DO YOU THINK YOU'VE CHANGED IN 30 YEARS?
>> Stephen: I'VE GAINED WEIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO PEA WHAT'S
HAPPENING, BEFORE I SHOW THIS PHOTO, AND THEN WE HAVE TO GO.
>> SURE.
WHERE WE LIVE NOW, I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ALL ENGLISH PEOPLE
BUT A LOT OF ENGLISH PEOPLE, THEY'LL READ A NEWSPAPER, FINISH
THE McDONALD'S, AND THEY THROW IT OUT THE CAR WINDOW.
SO THE ROADSIDES -- WHERE WE LIVE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND THE
ROADSIDES ARE CARPETED WITH LITTER.
SO I STARTED PICKING IT UP.
AND I SPEND, I DON'T KNOW, BETWEEN FOUR AND NINE HOURS A
DAY PICKING UP TRASH ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
AND I'VE PICKED UP TONS AND TONS AND TONS.
AND SO MY LOCAL COUNCIL NAMED A GARBAGE TRUCK AFTER ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT'S A FORM OF IMMORTALITY.
WELL, IT WAS NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
I CERTAINLY HOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER 20 YEARS BEFORE I SEE
YOU AGAIN.
AND I DON'T BELIEVE THAT, BY THE WAY.
I THINK I'VE SEEN YOU INDEPENDENT LAST 20 YEARS.
>> NOPE.
>> Stephen: A PLAY THAT AIMY AND PAUL HAVE DONE.
LIKE AT LA MAMA, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
GOD I HAVE TO HAVE SEEN YOU.
>> BUT THAT WAS MORE THAN 20 YEARS?
>> WAS THAT MORE THAN 20 YEARS.
>> MORE THAN 20 YEARS AGO.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> WE HAVE MAKEUP ON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: "THEFT BY FINDING" IS OUT ON TUESDAY.
DAVID SEDARIS, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WAY