-Welcome to "The Tonight Show." I'm happy you're here.
Thank you for watching.
Guys, I'm very excited about this.
It is Fleet Week here in New York City.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Yeah, it's that special time of year when
3,000 members of the military tell their Uber driver,
"Thank you for your service."
And this is great.
Tonight, our entire audience is filled with
service members of the U.S. military.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
That's exa-- Looking good.
This is a very interesting crowd.
You're the only people who watched Tom Cruise
fly upside down at 1,000 miles per hour and go, "Boring."
I remember telling my dad I thought I could be
a good soldier, and to this day, it's still the hardest
I've ever made him laugh.
Yeah.
But this is cool.
For Fleet Week, the public can actually take tours of
some of the Navy ships in the Hudson River.
New Yorkers are the only people who see
six beds crammed in a tiny room and go, "Ooh, spacious.
That's $3,000 a month here, yeah."
Yeah. It is Fleet Week, and tonight's audience
is made up of active-duty service members
from the Army...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...the Navy... [ Cheers and applause ]
...the Air Force... [ Cheers and applause ]
...Marines. [ Cheers and applause ]
...and Coast Guard. [ Cheers and applause ]
We are so grateful for your service.
We can't thank you enough.
I'm sorry, sir. Do you have a question?
-Yeah, you forgot about one of the branches.
-I did?
-Yeah, you forgot to mention Space Force.
-Oh, right. Are you with them?
-Yep. -Well, I'm sorry.
Thank you for your service.
-Oh, you don't have to thank us. We haven't done anything yet.
-What have you been doing?
-Mostly setting up our office, doing lots of Staples runs,
setting up printers, buying notepads.
You know, that kind of stuff.
Oh, and Zoom. So many Zoom calls.
-Who are you Zooming with?
-Like, other people in the Space Force.
-What do you talk about?
-Like, what to do if someone attacked us from space
and then what we're going to get at Chipotle.
-Yeah.
Got it. Got it.
And just out of curiosity, what would you do
if someone did attack us from space?
-I'd call in the experts.
-Like the top people in Space Force?
-No way.
I'd call the Army, the Navy, the Air Force,
the Marines, the Coast Guard.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Smart man.
Give it up for the Space Force, everybody.
Space Force. [ Cheers and applause ]
Guys, let's get to some news here.
Today, a Carnival cruise ship was visiting Turks and Caicos
when it caught on fire.
On the plus side, for the first time ever,
the ship is sterilized.
Yeah, usually, when you feel a burning sensation on a cruise,
it's right after you spend an hour
with a stranger in the hot tub.
Switching gears.
Today, Disney released a first look at
"Indiana Jones 5," starring Harrison Ford.
Check this out.
Hmm. Yeah, "Indiana Jones 5."
Although, based on the photo,
it looks more like the sequel to "Hamilton."
Of course, you can tell Indiana Jones is getting older
because before cracking his whip, he has to take a pill.
Some more entertainment news.
Guys, tomorrow, the new "Star Wars" series,
"Obi-Wan Kenobi" drops on Disney+.
I am pretty pumped. [ Cheers and applause ]
I'm excited about this.
Tariq, you excited?
-I guess, sure. Obi-Wan Kenobi's okay.
-Oh, you're not really a "Star Wars" fan?
-No, I love "Star Wars."
What I'm saying is that there are other members of
Obi-Wan Kenobi's family
that I'd probably rather watch a show about.
-Other members of his family? Like who?
-Like, well -- You know, I did some digging
on Wookieepedia.
And he's got lots of cool relatives,
Like his brothers, the Opie-Wan Kenobi
and Tobey-Wan Maguire.
And then there's his sisters,
Obi-Wanda Sykes and Oprah-Wan Kenofrey.
-Oprah-Wan Kenofrey?
Interesting, I've never heard of those.
-Yeah, yeah.
Well, then there are his cousins, Abra-Wan Cadabra,
Oba-Barbara Ann,
ABBA Mamma Mia,
and O-Bologna Burrito.
-Okay.
-Oh, then you got the twins,
Yabba-Dabba and Scooby-Dooby-Doo.
And then there's O-Bebop-and-Rocksteady.
O-Baby-Boss-Bumps-A-Baba.
-Okay, okay. You okay, bud?
-Oh, there's also
O-Barack-Obama-in-da-Bahamas- wearing-llama-pajamas.
And, of course, O-bawitdaba-Da-Bang-Da-Bang-
Diggy-diggy-Diggy- to-the-Boogie-Said-Up-Jump-the-
Kenobi.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Is that it?
-I'm just kidding. I've never seen "Star Wars."
-Alright. Tariq Trotter, everyone.
Tariq Trotter.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Well, guys, listen to this.
A recent study found that men who post shirtless photos
on dating apps are viewed as
less competent and more promiscuous.
I like the idea of people looking at dating profiles like,
"Well, he must be competent.
He has a shirt."
Well, get this.
A new poll found that Trader Joe's
is the most reputable brand in the country.
Yeah, at Trader Joe's,
you know exactly what you're going to get --
hummus from a white guy in dreadlocks.
I love Trader Joe's.
It's like Whole Foods if it took a gap year
to travel before college.