IT'S A FUN VIBE IN THE ROOM,
CAN'T DENY IT. >> Reggie: IT'S A FIBE.
>> James: A FOOB. >> Reggie: WHAT'S THAT?
>> James: A MIX OF A FUN VIBE. >> Reggie: WHAT ABOUT A FUB.
>> James: IT'S NOT A VIBE OR A FIB IT'S A FUN VIBE.
SO I'VE GOT THE B AND THE E AND THE F AND THE U.
WE'RE SPENDING MORE TIME ON THIS THAN I THOUGHT.
>> Reggie: THIS IS A LOT OF FUN DOING THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: YOU KNOW THE ACTOR
DOMINIC COOPER, WE USED TO LIVE TOGETHER FOR A FEW YEARS, AND AT
ONE POINT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MAYBE STARTING A COMPANY
TOGETHER, AND WE WERE, LIKE, WHAT SHOULD WE CALL IT?
AND HIS NAME IS OBVIOUSLY DOMINIC COOPER.
AND IT TOOK HIM, I PROMISE YOU TWO DAYS TO FIGURE IT OUT WHEN I
SAID WHY DON'T WE TAKE THE FIRST TWO LETTERS OF YOUR SECOND NAME
AND LIKE THE LAST FOUR LETTERS OF MY SECOND NAME, AND JUST CALL
IT THAT. AND HE WAS, LIKE, YEAH, YEAH,
GOOD IDEA. SO IT WAS JUST GOING TO BE
CALLED CORDEN PRODUCTIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I WAS, LIKE, YOU'RE GOOD WITH THIS NAME THING, RIGHT?
AND HE SAID, YEAH, YEAH. AND HE SAID, HANG ON IN A
MINUTE. IT WAS IN THAT MOMENT I THOUGHT
THIS IS NOT ANYONE I SHOULD EVER START A COMPANY WITH.
I'M EXCITED JOHN KNOXVILLE'S HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SMASHING FELLOW!
I BET YOU WERE QUITE THE AMATEUR JACKASS WHEN YOU WERE -- DID YOU
DO ANY OF THAT TO TRY TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH DANGEROUS
STUNTS? >> Reggie: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW
THAT WE WERE TRYING TO IMPRESS EACH OTHER BUT WE DID EXTREMELY
STUPID THINGS. >> James: LIKE WHAT?
>> Reggie: ME AND MY FRIENDS GOT IN ROMAN CANDLE FIGHTS.
SO WE WOULD STAND MAYBE TEN A YARDS APART AND JUST LAUNCH
ROMAN CANDLES AT EACH OTHER. >> James: I CANNOT STRESS
ENOUGH THAT YOU SHOULDN'T EVER DO THAT.
I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH. >> UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING TO HAVE
A GREAT TIME. >> James: NOT TRUE AT ALL.
NEVER DO IT. NEVER DO IT.
NEVER DO IT -- >> Reggie: YEAH.
-- UNLESS YOU WANT TO CREATE A LIFELONG MEMORY WITH SOME
PALS. >> Reggie: TRUE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. >> James: DID YOU EVER DO
THIS, LOUIE -- WELL, YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T DO THIS AT YOUR
SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU WERE PROBABLY IN CHOIR PRACTICE.
BUT WE USED TO DO A THING WHERE WE'D GO HEDGE HOPPING WHERE YOU
WOULD BASICALLY WALK AROUND OUR LOCAL AREA AND JUMP AS HIGH AS
YOU COULD INTO PEOPLE'S HEDGES. FOR ABOUT A PERIOD OF THREE
MONTHS, ALL OF THE ROADS AROUND MY SCHOOL WERE JUST THESE
BEAUTIFUL HEDGES WITH MASSIVE HUMAN BODY SHAPES IN THE HEDGES.
IT WAS MENTIONED IN ASSEMBLY. LIKE THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WAS,
LIKE, WE HAVE GOT TO STOP HEDGE HOPPING.
>> WE DID THAT EXCEPT WE DIDN'T JUMP OURSELVES INTO THEM.
WE WOULD SHOVE OUR FRIENDS INTO THEM.
WE DIDN'T CALL IT HEDGE HOPPING. WE CALLED IT BULLYING.
>> James: RIGHT. THAT'S A VERY DIFFERENT THING.
>> WE LOVED THAT. >> James: VERY DIFFERENT
THING. >> I RECOMMENDED THAT, TOO.
>> James: YOU RECOMMEND BULLYING.
>> BULLYING AND ROMAN CANDLE FIGHTS.
>> James: WE CAN'T PUT IT OFF ANY LONGER.
IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ ♪♪
>> James: YEAH. YES!
YES, STEVE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S OFFICIAL. THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN THE
HISTORY OF THE N.F.L. IS RETIRING.
TOM BRADY MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT THIS MORNING ON INSTAGRAM.
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT A CAREER.
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE CAREER. I SAW THAT MESSAGE, I WAS, LIKE,
THAT'S IT, THAT'S MY OPENING. THAT'S MY OPENING.
I'M FULLY VAXXED, WHEN DOES THE TRAINING CAMP START?
( LAUGHTER ) THE TIMING IS A LITTLE SUSPECT.
I THINK TOM BRADY WANTS TO BE ON THE SUPREME COURT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS NICE, RIGHT AFTER
THE ANNOUNCEMENT BRADY TOOK GRONK OUTSIDE, TOLD HIM HE WAS
FREE, AND STOOD THERE, WIPING A TEAR FROM HIS EYE AS GRONK
BOUNDED INTO THE WOODS. ( LAUGHTER )
BRADY'S NOW IN HIS MID -FORTIES, JOBLESS, AND HAS NO REAL
TRADITIONAL WORK EXPERIENCE. SO HE SHOULD FIT RIGHT IN, IN
FLORIDA. ( LAUGHTER )
MADE FOR HIM. IN OTHER NEWS, PRESIDENT BIDEN
SAYS THE UNITED STATES IS READY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS AS RUSSIA
CONTINUES TO BUILD UP TROOPS ON THE UKRAINIAN BORDER.
BIDEN, THE U.S. IS READY, NO MATTER WHAT.
NO MATTER. IS WHAT HE SAID, UNLESS CONGRESS
HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT AND IT WILL TAKE MONTHS AND NOTHING
WILL REALLY HAPPEN. ACCORDING TO BIDEN, THE UNITED
STATES AND UKRAINE HAVE BEEN ENGAGED IN
NON-STOP DIPLOMACY. WHICH IS IMPRESSIVE FOR A MAN OF
BIDEN'S AGE. I IMAGINE HE HAD TO POP A
-- WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED AS LONG AS I HAVE IT'S LET'S HAVE A
DIPLOMACY BREAK AND REMEMBER HOW THE SUPREME
COURT RULED THAT DONALD TRUMP HAD TO TURN OVER WHITE HOUSE
DOCUMENTS TO THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE?
WELL, APPARENTLY SOME OF THE RECORDS HANDED OVER TO THE
COMMITTEE HAD TO BE TAPED BACK TOGETHER, BECAUSE THEY HAD BEEN
RIPPED UP. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN DONALD
TRUMP WOULD COME UP WITH, DOESN'T IT.
I'M GOING TO PRINT OUT ALL OF MY EMAILS, THAT WAY I CAN RIP THEM
UP AND NOBODY WILL KNOW THEY EXISTED.
( LAUGHTER ) IN TRUMP'S DEFENSE, HIS HANDS
NATURALLY GO LIKE THIS WITH HIS HANDS ALL THE TIME.
SO IF YOU'RE HOLDING DOCUMENTS, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM NOT TO
TEAR THEM APART. MOVING ON, RESEARCHERS SAY THEY
HAVE FOUND THE SAFEST SONG TO LISTEN TO WHILE DRIVING.
ANY GUESSES? GUILLERMO, ANY GUESSES?
THE SAFEST SONG TO DRIVE A CAR TO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? >> FERERRA JAKA.
>> James: THAT'S A SAFE SONG TO DRIVE TO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, IAN? >> I HELPED WRITE JOKES ON THIS
STORY SO I KNOW THE ANSWER AND I FEEL LIKE COMING TO ME IT'S,
LIKE, I CAN ONLY THINK OF WHAT THE RIGHT ANSWER IS.
>> James: ( BLEEP ). I KNOW.
>> James: ( BLEEP ). I KNOW, MAN.
>> James: JUST PRETEND! YOU WANT ME TO COME UP WITH
ANY SONG? I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, LIGHTNING BY METALLICA!
( LAUGHTER ) >> JAMES: THE SAFEST SONG TO
DRIVE TO IS BILLIE EILISH'S "BAD GUY."
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS STUDY MAKES
ME? A GLAD GUY.
SAFETY FIRST DUH. ( LAUGHTER )
IS IT THE SAFEST SONG TO DRIVE TO?
>> Reggie: NO. >> James: IT MAKES ME WANT TO
PUT THE FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW ( SINGING )
>> Reggie: SOUNDS LIKE SPY MUSIC.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: PULL UP RIGHT
ALONGSIDE SOMEONE, WINDOW DOWN, DUH -- DO-DO-DO-DO --
♪♪ ♪♪
( APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU EVER HAD THAT WHEN
YOU'RE DRIVING THE CAR, HEY, YOU CUT ME OFF!
YOU GET TO THE LIGHTS AND THEY PULL UP ALONGSIDE YOU AND THEY
LOOK AT YOU IN THE CAR AND YOU'RE LIKE --
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
OH, MY GOD. AND THIS IS TRUE, OUTKAST'S
"HEY YA" WAS NAMED THE MOST DISTRACTING SONG WHILE DRIVING.
IT MAKES SENSE TO ME, VERY DIFFICULT TO NOT VEER OFF THE
ROAD WHEN YOU SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE.
AND HERE'S A TIP, THEY SAY THE BEST THING TO LISTEN TO IF YOU
GET PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE, IS SHAGGY.
THE POLICE WILL SAY, SIR, WE CLOCKED YOU GOING 180.
IT WASN'T ME. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU TOOK A RIGHT THERE, YOU DIDN'T USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
IT WASN'T ME. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: THE WORLD'S FIRST ALL-ELECTRIC PASSENGER AIRCRAFT
COULD BE TAKING FLIGHT IN JUST A FEW WEEKS.
THE PLANE USES SIMILAR BATTERY TECHNOLOGY AS A CELL PHONE, AND
CAN FLY NINE PASSENGERS BUT ONLY FOR AN HOUR.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FIND AN OUTLET AT AN
AIRPORT? IT'S TOUGH.
THE PLANE IS CALLED, ALICE. AS IN, "NO THANK YOU, ALICE, I'M
GOING TO DRIVE." ( LAUGHTER )
THE PLANE GETS ONE HOUR OF FLIGHT TIME PER CHARGE.
ALTHOUGH IT CAN GO EVEN LONGER IF YOU USE ONE OF THOSE PORTABLE
CHARGERS, LIKE THIS: ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND FINALLY, VALENTINE'S DAY IS
COMING UP. AND FOR THE SPECIAL DAY, K .F.C.
IS RELEASING A LIMITED -EDITION, THREE-FOOT-TALL PILLOW THAT'S
SHAPED, LIKE THEIR FRIED CHICKEN SANDWICH.
THEY'RE CALLING IT THE CHICKEN SANDWICH SNUGGLER.
THERE IT IS THERE: LOOK AT THAT.
I WILL SAY, IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT THE WORLD'S SUPPLY CHAIN
ISSUES AREN'T AFFECTING GIANT NOVELTY PLUSH PILLOWS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT INDUSTRY IS CLEARLY HUMMING
ALONG JUST FINE. CAN I SEE THAT PHOTO AGAIN?
I CONSIDER THAT TO BE FALSE ADVERTISING.
NO ONE WHO BUYS A GIANT CHICKEN SANDWICH PILLOW WOULD EVER SMILE
THAT MUCH. ( LAUGHTER )
THE MOST YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IS SORT OF LIKE --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MAYBE A THREE-FOOT-TALL PILLOW OF A K.F.C. CHICKEN
SANDWICH ISN'T THE BEST GIFT FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
BUT AT LEAST IT'S MORE ROMANTIC THAN THE, COLONEL SANDERS
BLOW-UP DOLL. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, WE DID IT. WE DID IT.
AND WE'RE SELLING 'EM. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
"THE LATE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )