let me just start by saying hi dave it's me hal
we did one thing where we stopped people who were
carrying packages and asked them to show us what they had in their
what do package have in your bag here what i got in my bed what's in the bag
what are you want to ask me i'm just curious close what kind of clothing
you want to do oh yeah can we take a look at it show me the idea first
joe friday homicide let's see the problem you're in front of a furrier and the furrier had come
out onto the street and was standing next to me watching this and he said who was that and i
said well that's dave letterman he's the host of the show and he's asking people questions about
what they're carrying and then he looked and he says from this david letterman makes a living
that's right i'm chevy chase nice to see you
did you let me ask you a question did you enjoy fletch did you go see fletch no i didn't see such
how about national lampoon's european vacation did you enjoy that
oh please go see that please welcome mr andy kaufman
but we never could figure out what andy kaufman was well so he would come on
he would say he's going to do this and do that and then of course do none of that
and then he'll also then not show up and a really terrible comedian would show up in his place
but after a while we realized he was he was the comedian there was uh some discussion at that
time that you in fact were andy kaufman uh and that there is no uh tony clifton i don't know
anything about that uh i'm not talking about kaufman's been using my name to get places
and uh so there is no truth to the rumor that uh you're actually andy kaufman there's no truth
everyone whatsoever you look like you're kind of a health nut do you work out yes
lola came on and he was talking about andy cave in very derogatory ways
i could have sued you for everything you're worth and i didn't because that's i'm not
that kind of a guy yeah you know what uh what kind of a guy are you
i looked at the tape afterwards it's interesting we realized that when Andy Kaufman came in to sit
in his chair he took the he adjusted the closer to the edge of the platform and we figured that
he knew they had worked this out before and he wanted to make sure the chair was in the right
position so he would fall and so they were professionals they knew what they were doing
i think uh i think you can use some of those words on tv i meant
but but what you can't do is throw coffee i've said it over and over again
we would have meetings almost every morning in dave's office i would generally button them up
like this in the winter time and then one day i came in it was now first day of summer
and i had unbuttoned it and it was open and then dave he says it's at the top but unbuttoned
what happened and i said it's summer dave that's what i do i i unbutton that top button
and i can get through the summer that way and he insisted on my doing that on the air and people
still remember that how stupid can we be hi hal hi dave how are you fine thank you now
as i understand it this is how you kick off the spring and summer season you do this
every year every year it's sort of a ceremony it's sort of a tradition
something you look forward to something i look forward to and what exactly is it well dave all
i do is unbutton the second button you unbutton the second button anton drum roll play drum roll
one otherwise came up with the idea that every year to do a film festival hollywood people
come on with their little eight nine minute films and we felt we had to do our own film the writers
thought it'd be funny if they fell in love with my wife it looked like another boring friday night
for months paul had been trying to set me up with the right girl
i never dreamed that tonight she would walk into my life
a party for Shaffer hi wendy oh hi hi sorry sorry we're late oh i just got this dave dave
uh wendy this is dave and uh dave this is winnie hey it's hal
i should wonder what he's doing here who's hal oh that's Hal Gurnee he's the director of the
show and one of dave's closest friends come on hi hal having dinner alone dave oh actually i'm
waiting for my wife it's our 25th wedding anniversary oh congratulations thank you
you know uh i i don't think i ever met mrs hal gurney really no here she is now
what a knockout my feet are killing me who picked this place dear i don't think you've ever met dave
no i don't think we've ever met the perfect woman nobly planned
to warm to comfort and command what was that dave wordsworth ode to a woman with a rose
oh you must be interested in flowers has hal talk to you about our garden uh no he hasn't
uh let me join you for dinner and and you can tell me about the garden but dave what about
paul and your friend shut up hal aphids red spiders japanese beetles slugs we had them all
the slugs got into the corn not the golden bantam but the butter corn the corn turned
out fine though but you know what i'm proudest of my tomatoes oh please please
tell me about the tomatoes dave's really interested in this gardening yes
i've never seen him this way before beautifully well the tomatoes came in bigger this year than
ever before and there wasn't a single slug on them the only problem is i had to give
most of them away because my husband won't eat anything with tomatoes in it your husband yes hell
oh right hal says he can't eat tomatoes because of a sensitive stomach but i
think he just doesn't like my cooking doesn't like your cooking doesn't like your cooking
i better go talk to him
waiter
but dave what has gotten into you what's the matter with you are you blind
how is no good for that woman i love her love her she's already married to hell they've been married
25 years to me they look pretty happy oh yeah well hal gurney does not have a monopoly on happiness
i want my share and i'll tell you something else i don't care what it takes
i'm going to make that woman mine
and have acknowledged your consent before us now
by virtue of the authority vested in me by the laws of the state of new york
i pronounce you man or wife you may kiss the bride all right i did it i married mrs hal gurney
yeah yeah you did but at what cost by stealing hal's wife you have alienated everyone on the show
why do you think that nobody came to your wedding paul that's not true look here's biff
henderson one of our stage managers hi biv dave here's a little gift from everyone on the crew
look i don't care what you people think for once in my life i'm happy come on honey
welcome to the program hey wake up the show's on
i'm about to do something really funny you're not going to sleep through the honeymoon are
you come on wake up oh look see what i did here i pretended like the joke
didn't work and then i made a really goofy face and i got a huge laugh that was pretty good huh
you know now that you're my wife you'll learn all the tricks that i use to make the show a big hit
he said doesn't the director have a lot to do with it
what is the deal you've been talking about hal all night just relax and watch the show
please ladies and gentlemen as you all know i was married today to mrs hal gurney who uh divorced
our director so she could run off with me uh can can we get a shot of hal now in the control room
hell you know i i think we've seen enough this is not gonna work i know what you're thinking
i should leave right now and go back to hell oh no no no what i was thinking is tomorrow when i
get to work i'll fire hal no i think my idea is better goodbye dave oh no no just no no please
after mrs Gurnee left me i couldn't get her out of my mind i was a wreck
i felt like i would never laugh again
then one day i happened to pass a movie theater i saw what was playing chaplin city lights good
old charlie he was my idol and he was there to cheer me up when i needed him most i had to go in
of course i'd already seen city lights so i went to see what was playing in cinema 2.
it was porky's 5. let me tell you i never laughed harder in my life the movie put
the world back in perspective for me i felt good about myself again i could go on living
i got to know the woman who played my wife and she was milton berle's girlfriend for years and
years and years and i said what was it like all those years with burl i thought he was very funny
oh funny yeah but what you get out of he says all i got out of it was some really not very good sex
and a set of matched luggage
and i'm sure she used that line over but i i fell down
with the set of match luggage but she was wonderful