-Now, I'm not sure if you've been keeping up with the news,
but apparently, as Gen Z gets older,
they're waiting longer and longer to have sex.
Yeah. That's a real fact, y'all.
That's right. It's finally okay to be a virgin!
Yas! Yas!
They used to throw virgins into volcanoes.
Now they just throw them into Fortnite tournaments.
I love Fortnite. It explains a lot.
Now, I really don't like how people get pressured about sex.
It's so lame. And it's a lose-lose situation.
If you don't have sex, you're a prude.
If you do, you're easy --
or, worse, a "Bachelor" contestant.
But we really do fetishize the idea of virginity.
We even have movies dedicated to the whole "first time."
"The 40-Year-Old Virgin." "American Pie." "Blockers."
Though the movie title I think most accurately describes
what your first time will be like is "Superbad."
Followed by "Gone in Sixty Seconds."
Followed by "Get Out"!
Growing up, I didn't talk to anyone about sex.
Not my friends. Especially not my parents.
My parents and I, we're on the same page about sex.
We're both 100% sure neither of us has ever had it.
[ Laughter ]
And when the day comes,
I hope my kids feel comfortable telling me about sex.
I mean, look, not telling me too much,
but I'm down to, like, talk about condoms and stuff.
But I don't want to hear about what freaky hologram stuff
they're doing with their A.I. boyfriend.
My kid will just be like straight-up,
"Mom, I love Skynet. Okay?
And I think I'm ready to put his USB drive in my port."
And I'll be like, "Not listening! I'm not listening!"
[ Laughter ]
I feel like our society
is obsessed with virginity, especially parents.
Remember that story from a while back when T.I.
said he goes to the gynecologist with his daughter
to make sure her hymen is still intact?
That was a real thing. I'm still not over it.
I mean, first of all, it's medically wrong.
Hymens don't correspond to virginity.
If that were true, a ton of girls
have lost their virginity at a spin class.
[ Laughter ] Straight up.
And why would T.I. even invade her privacy like that?
He is terrorizing his daughter's downstairs so much,
she's going to start calling him U.T.I.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
The whole idea of virginity is hetero-normative.
It's based on one kind of sex -- P and V.
What about gay and lesbian and everything in between?
There are folks who would be classified as virgins
even though they're the LeBron James
of having orgasms out here!
Y'all, there's more than one way to drive it to the hole.
You know what I mean? You know what I mean?!
People talk about a woman's virginity
like it's something fragile and helpless.
But no one's like, "David had sex?
Ugh! I hope he doesn't break his little heart.
Or snap his dainty, little penis."
[ Laughter ]
It's a total double standard. Now, this is a true story.
I once heard a guy explain this by saying,
"A good key opens a lot of locks,
but a good lock can only be opened by one key."
What kind of B.S. is that?!
First of all, it's 2020.
Who the F uses keys?
The only thing I need to open my lock
is something that I can charge or put batteries in.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
There are actually a lot of perks to being a virgin.
You don't have to worry about STDs,
there's no chance of you making a baby,
and you never have to maintain eye contact with someone
after your vagina makes a noise
that neither of you were expecting.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just going to maintain eye contact with you right now.
As you laugh at that vagina joke.
So don't stress out if you feel like
it's taking a long time to lose your virginity.
Once you're in a long-term relationship,
you stop having sex anyway,
so, if anything, you're ahead of the curve!