-Our next guest is a fantastic comedian.
You may know her
from her wonderful podcast "Self Helpless."
Please welcome Kelsey Cook!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, guys. Oh, I'm so happy to be here.
Something cool just happened to me.
I actually just got married.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
My husband's also a comedian, so our wedding budget was $42.
[ Laughter ]
So nice.
It's great to finally find that person, though,
'cause dating is exhausting, right?
-Yeah. -Guys are like hairstyles.
In your 20s, you try a bunch of different ones.
And by your 30s you're like,
"Ugh, this is the one I'll be buried with."
[ Laughter ]
Get some soccer mom bangs and call it a day.
[ Laughter ] I'm tired.
My husband's been sober for two years, which is great.
[ Cheers and applause ] Wow. Thanks. It's awesome.
But if you take the AA quiz,
it makes everybody sound like they have a drinking problem.
The first question is,
"Have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood?"
[ Laughter ]
Is there any other reason to drink alcohol?
Like no, I'm in it for the acne and diarrhea.
[ Laughter ]
The second question is, "After consuming alcohol,
have you ever done something you've regretted?"
[ Laughter ]
Do you mean literally every time I've had alcohol?
Who is getting drunk and doing the Lord's work?
[ Laughter ]
I've never had five margaritas and been like,
"Alright, time to donate blood.
Got to pass this party to someone in need."
[ Laughter ]
My biggest regrets stem from alcohol.
I used to take shots of gin and chase them with deli meat.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
You know you're white trash when your cocktails involve ham.
[ Laughter ]
But if you're broke, you form weird habits like that.
Like if you don't have a dishwasher,
you try and cook using as few dishes as possible.
I want to know if you guys do this.
If you want banana on your cereal
but you don't want to get a knife dirty,
do you ever just tear pieces off with your teeth and then --
[ Laughter ]
Ah, some of you did that today.
I didn't even know that was weird until my husband
caught me doing it and was like, "Are you mama-birding yourself?"
[ Laughter ]
"We're poor, not Amish. Please stop."
[ Laughter ] "Get some help."
I keep trying to get him to go do a couples massage
with me and he refuses.
And I think it's because straight guys
get a little weird about massages.
Because if you get a female masseuse,
you're worried you'll get turned on.
And if you get a male masseuse,
you're really worried you'll get turned on.
[ Laughter ]
"Well, I came here to relax. Now I got questions for myself."
[ Laughter ]
"Shoot." [ Laughter ]
I've learned I get turned on
at every massage regardless of who is doing it.
I'm so creepy.
Like, I love when you go and they massage your hand.
I always just want to slowly close my fingers.
[ Laughter ]
And just whisper, "I need this."
What? [ Laughter ]
And really ruin the hour for both of us.
We really want to see the play "Hamilton,"
but tickets are too expensive.
But I found out that people
have been uploading the play onto Pornhub.
[ Laughter ] Yeah. I swear.
It was in the news.
People are sneaking it online that way.
They're calling it "Hamiltoe."
[ Laughter ]
Ah, beautiful.
I just hope that some meathead guy out there, like,
cracked open his laptop feeling horny, clicked on that link,
and then 20 minutes in was just like...
[ Laughter ]
"This is a lot of character development."
[ Laughter ]
"Where are all the boobies?"
My friend Brad actually told me that my celebrity look-alike
is this porn star named Jessie Rogers.
So I Googled her, and the first picture
that popped up was her doing hard-core anal.
[ Audience ohhs ]
And I got a little creeped out
realizing that my friend Brad saw that and thought...
[ Laughter ]
"You know who this reminds me of?"
[ Laughter ]
"Old gaping butthole Kelseroo!"
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah. Old backdoor Cook, look at her go."
A-plus."
What the hell, Brad?
I am starting to worry a little bit about the passion
in my relationship because my husband just called me bud.
[ Audience ohs ] Yeah, it's not a good sign.
My stomach hurt and I groaned, and he was like,
"Hey, how you feeling, bud?"
[ Laughter ]
Uh, worse.
Now that I became your son.
[ Laughter ]
It really bothered me. I could not stop thinking about it.
So the next time that we had sex...
[ Audience ohs ]
...right as he was about to finish,
I whispered in his ear...
[ Deep voice ] "Make it a good one, chief."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Yeah, I have never seen a man
hate an orgasm before. [ Laughter ]
Alright, I'm Kelsey Cook. You guys have been so much fun.